- 6 years ago
long time lurker here, first time poster. I will try to keep this brief, but I just need advice right now. I am 22, SO is 23, and we both just graduated last June from undergrad and are taking a gap year living at home with our parents until we go to our respective graduate programs this fall. I have been accepted to law schools and he is waiting to hear back from medical schools. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now and have extensively discussed getting married and even have gone ring shopping!
Now the confusing part – he has always talked so openly about marriage and wanting to be with me. The past few months, many of our friends have been getting engaged/starting their lives and now suddenly he is clammed up about it. When he brings it up, it almost sounds like he is joking about it. He is worried about getting into medical school and being near me, as well as loans and finances, which is completely understandable. I have point blank told him I do not want a large fancy wedding or a diamond. I would be happy with a small ring and just having the commitment. We have both also discussed in the past wanting to be engaged for closer to two years in order to plan/save while in school. Additionally, I have never set a timeline. All I have said is that I do not want to wait until we are completely done with school to be ENGAGED (not even married), because that would be an additional ~4 years of dating, and I beleive marriage is a very deep and different commitment than just dating. I am not morally opposed to living together before marriage per se, but I would like the commitment of engagement. What scares me is how he suddenly is so unsure – he says it’s money, school, nerves… I have tried to be understanding but I am starting to feel like it is always a different reason and maybe he just doesnt want to marry ME. His “timeline” has changed numerous times, and I’m starting to lose hope for the light at the end of the tunnel 🙁 He used to talk about getting engaged and now it’s a subject that is garunteed to start an argument. Last night he told me point blank he had no idea when he would be ready to be engaged.
I guess I just need some words of wisdom/encouragement. I feel very alone in this whole process – watching my friends get engaged definitely doesnt help. I dont understand why their SO’s wanted to propose to them, and mine is so overwhelmingly hesitant suddenly (and 2 of my friend’s are marrying guys who are currently in medical school, so I know it can be done!!). I just am sort of feeling like my SO didnt mean all of those things he has been saying to me for years. I didnt demand a huge ring or a fancy wedding, I just wanted the promise and commitment, and I wanted to start taking steps forward in our lives. And even now, i feel ike when/if he did propose it wont be because he wanted it, but because i pushed him to do it.
Am i being totally insane about this??? Does anyone else understand this weird feeling?? :/ Help a bee out!