(Closed) Much older fiancé

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 16
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

It does seem questionable from an outsider’a perspective, but it’s all about context – how you met and fell in love

Post # 17
Member
11112 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Unfortunately, this is a reality that should be considered–how will you cope with the age gap when you’re older?  When you’re middle aged, your dh will be elderly.

It’s probably nearly impossible to imagine when you’re a twenty something, though.

Post # 18
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m 32 in a couple of weeks and Fiance is 52. We have been together almost 10 years…moved in after 6 months, bought a house together about 6/7 years ago, got engeged in Feb and we’ll be getting married next summer.

Neither of us went out looking for an age gap relationship although I admit i have always preferred older men (previous boyfriends were 8 and 10 years older). In fact, we have always been very realistic about our future from the start and didnt want to rush into marriage as we knew there was a chance I would change through my 20’s and we might grow apart. 

As it happens, we actually grew closer together and our relationship is now stronger than ever. We get on so well and love and respect each other very much…We are equals. I can’t imagine ending what we have just because we were born 2 decades apart. I know its hard for people who don’t know us to understand how it can possibly work but it just does…and, tellingly, we both get on great with each others families. They are very supportive as they can see how happy we are and 65 of them will be coming out to Italy with us to watch us say our vows! If we don’t have a problem with it and our close friends and families don’t,  why should it be of any concern to total strangers? 

We will not be having children so that wasn’t a factor in our relationship but I read a previous reply from a child’s perspective and do agree it’s something to consider. That’s one story though and it’s not always that way…i have a close friend who’s parents are also 20 years apart. My friend is in her 30’s now and her parents are still together and still happy. She certainly doesn’t think of her own dad as ‘creepy’…I think there’s probably a few more issues going on with that Bee and her father aside from just an age gap between her parents.

FWIW, I have a great relationship with my dad so not looking for a father figure and we both have good careers so I’m not after his money as i have my own lol. I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as ‘arm candy’ either. Yes those things can be true for many age gap relationships but if people think these clichés apply every single time then they are very much mistaken…and thoughts like that say more about that individual than it does about the couple! 

Having said all of this, there are of course issues with marrying someone so much older: as others have said, they’ll be elderly when you’re middle aged; you may end up being their carer; you’re likely to be widowed ar a younger age etc etc. That’s where the vows will really come into play ’till death us do part’ ‘in sickness and in health’ ‘for better or for worse’. Only you can say if your age gap relationship is truly worth all of this but i know mine is  

Post # 19
Member
11112 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

SellyJo:  

Sounds like you have thought this through thoroughly.  I wish you all the best.

Post # 20
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I have never dated anyone that much older than me. In face, my ex was only 3 months older than me and my current SO is only 4 months older than me. I tend to stay within a 2 year age difference.

I realize that any kind of relationship can work if both people are in it for the right reasons. So I can’t say one way or another if yours will work or not.

I will say this though, I have never seen this kind of thing end well. Even if they stay together and the relationship itself doesn’t end. The younger partner usually outlives the older one (naturally) and it can be a challenge to take care of an “elderly” spouse when you aren’t very elderly yourself. You will always be in two different life stages and face being a widow much earlier than most. I realize taht can happen to anyone but if we are speaking in terms of the natural and expected progression of life, it can be assumed that the spouse that is 20 years older will most likely pass first. I personally wouldn’t be ok going into a relationship like this.

I also find it kind of creepy. I just can’t seem to figure out what a 40-50 year old could possibly have in common with a 20 something year old. I can’t help but feel like an older man who dates a younger woman with this kind of age gap is only in it for physical reasons or for appearances. My fear would be that once I wasn’t a 20 something anymore my much older husband would continue to try and replace me with someoen younger. Especially if he’s been divorced before. I wouldn’t be able to shake the feeling that his ex wife got to be “too old” and so he found me and my fate would be the same.

Maybe im paranoid :\

Post # 21
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

stardustintheeyes:  Someone will always outlive the other in a  marriage unless they die together in a car crash. Also, there is no guarantee that both spouses will remain healthy for the exact same period of time and someone will end up taking care of the other person. I would ignore statistics, they are no guarantee of anything and backfire more often than not

Post # 22
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

nycsa:  Clearly.   Which is why I pointed out that it’s an assumed natural progression (barring accidents, unexpected illnesses, etc) And since we all hope for a long healthy life, I personally wouldn’t want to go into a marriage knwoing that if we did get a long healthy life, that would most likely mean that he would still go well before I was even close. It’s just not for me. I still think it’s odd and would be creeped out by the possibility that I was either a sexual fantasy or that I would possibly be replaced by a younger woman in the future once I got “too old”.

Post # 24
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

stardustintheeyes:   “I still think it’s odd and would be creeped out by the possibility that I was either a sexual fantasy or that I would possibly be replaced by a younger woman in the future once I got “too old”.”

I’d be creeped out by that too! Thank goodness that’s just a stereotype and not the case in every relationship with an age gap! LOL

Honestly, we have a very normal relationship with lots in common and plenty of shared interests…We are just the same as any other couple! And yes, Fiance was married once before, but that ended 8 years before I met him so it certainly wasn’t a case of him leaving his wife for a younger woman! 

We are together DESPITE the age difference, not BECAUSE of it 😉 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  SellyJo.
Post # 25
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Gorse Hill, Surrey, UK

My Fiance just turned 40 and I’m 27. I love our age gap,  it makes things more interesting sometimes 

Post # 26
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

Also, last month I met someone who’s parents were 20 years apart. Dad was 24 and mom was in her 40s. Their kid is 20 now. He says he never really thought it was weird or anything….it’s just how it always was. They go together really well.

Post # 27
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

Also, I am certain I’m not some sexual fantasy or anything. For instance, when my boyfriend was 25 he dated a 50 year old. A lot of younger women are drawn to him because he is attractive. He’s like those 40-something movie stars.

It’s unfair for people to judge these types of relationships and make assumptions that the older man is the creep and the younger woman is the gold digger. It just hurts a lot when people describe us like that because it’s simply not true. 

 

And it makes me sad that I likely won’t get to spend the rest of my life with him. Very very sad. But I figure I’d rather be with him for a short period of time than not at all.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  rosecut.
Post # 28
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

SellyJo:  She certainly doesn’t think of her own dad as ‘creepy’…I think there’s probably a few more issues going on with that Bee and her father aside from just an age gap between her parents.”

I absolutely agree. She has a very negative view of her dad and her parents relationship. I rarely hear people talk about their parents like that. Maybe her dad really isn’t a good guy. 

Post # 29
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

FutureMrsCaldwell:  My husband is only 6 years older than me but I do know couples with comparable age differences (my mom and her husband are 16 yrs apart). A close friend of mine is dating a man more than 20 yrs her senior and I think she is struggling with the same things as you. She is 25 and I beleive he is 42. She is scared to introduce him to her family and friends. I absolutely believe you can make it work and the people who are really worth your effort will have your back always! 

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