(Closed) Much older fiancé

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 31
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee

Demi-chan:  it sounds like the issue is YOUR father, not the age difference. And to group all relationships into one boat because of your father, is ridiculous. It’s like saying “my father was a blond  , and he was an ass, so I will never date a blond.” I’ve dated guys my own age; they were all immature, self-absorbed, or Controling. (Not all younger guys are like this). I’ve bumped into older men who just wanted a young women for the sake of it: I never dated them. My age difference with husband is 13.5 years: and he is the sweetest, most loving man I have ever know. I didn’t date/marry him because of the age difference, but out of love. He is a protector, a sweetie, a provider, and just amazing. shame on you for shaming all relationships based on yours. My friends father had her at 50 while her mom was 30, followed by 3 other siblings: she said this has kept him motivated to stay healthy to live longer for all of them. Health issues happen to everybody, my friend is a widow at 29, she didn’t get to grow old with him. I have another acquaitain and he became a widower at 32. Just because you are the same age, it does not mean you will get to grow old together. Men statistically live 10 years earlier than women, and then you add the age difference: I know statistically, I will probably outlive him by 20 years. This does not make me happy, but why should I not be happy NOW? If lives to be 80, I was able to spend 25-67 with him: that’s 42 years of happiness. He waited 38 years for me Waiting for the one. So if I outlive him for another 20 years, that would average out for me, living without him, the same amount of time he had to live without me. He might be an older dad when we have kids (probably 45) but I’ve met shitty dads in their 20s and 30s. I rather them have an older dad that is responsible, loving and providing vs just getting someone younger out of fear that I will be alone when I’m 70. I wouldn’t trade my time with him: which is why I plan to retire at 50, so I can enjoy his retirement with him while he is still in good shape. (He jogs, lifts weights, surfs ext) he is in better shape than some of my friends boyfriends who are in their 20s.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  BookTea.
Post # 32
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

rosecut:  Some people just don’t focus so much on chronological age and don’t spend much time thinking about it. For some people it is very important. There are many people who won’t marry outside their religion and many who just don’t care. This is no different

Post # 33
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

FutureMrsCaldwell:  I was always called an old soul, but the relationship I had with a man who was 24 years older didn’t work out.  And for me, I’m glad it didn’t.  I think if you’re in love with your Fiance, than so be it.  Don’t worry about what others think.  If people care, they will be happy for you, even if they don’t like the age difference.  My husband’s only 8 years older than me, and for me, it’s a much more suitable age difference.

Post # 34
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My only piece of advice is to seriously consider whether you want children or not and how you (and your SO) would feel about having children with that age gap.

My Darling Husband is 7.5 years older than me and we couldn’t have pushed the age gap much further for that reason.  We both want children, but Darling Husband doesn’t want to be an “old dad”.  I am 25, he is 33, and he really wants his first child by the age of 35 so that we can at least (hopefully, assuming we don’t have complications) have all our children born before he’s 40.  It will be hard enough for him being in his mid-50’s (while I am in my late 40’s) with teenagers running around.

Good luck to you, but to say you should live in the present and worry about the future later is really not wise.

Post # 35
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - country club in Michigan

My Fiance is 12 years older than me. I’m 29, he’s 41. He acts young, but physically, he has his issues (bad back, etc). He still somehow is healthier and gets sick less than I do. I don’t notice our age unless something comes up in conversation (e.g. where he was when a certain song got released or was popular, or a movie). My favorite was when discussing the movie “the gremlins” with a neighbor last night, the my Fiance asked “How haven’t you seen that movie yet? It’s my favorite and was really popular!” my response: “Um, I wasn’t born yet when it came out…”. That got him laughing. 

The downfall of dating an older man is when we get married this year, we’ll immediately move into TTC, even though I’d prefer waiting a year to save up money and enjoy being a newlywed. But my doctor told me to move to TTC asap—men’s fertility also decreases with age, and there is also a lot of new studies showing an increase in birth defects caused by the man’s DNA. I don’t want my children to only have a brief time with their dad because we waited, and I want him to be in good enough physical shape to play sports with them. My father’s last kid was born when he and my mom were 38, and I can see how my dad’s age has made some things tougher for him now (e.g. my dad moved me and my older brother into college, but 10 yrs later when the youngest went to college, he had to pay some cousins to do the heavy lifting). 

Post # 36
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

No offense, but I became a “widow” with two children (at the time,ages 2 months and 19 months ) at the age of 19! So anything can happen regardless of age!  

 

Mi have a great relationship with my dad so I don’t need a “father figure” ..  

 

I dont one see age differences as creepy, I could see if he or she only did it because of looks and or money, but it’s not fair to base us and our relationship because of an age gap, we love just like you love. 

Post # 37
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think there are way more important things to worry about in this world than some couple’s age difference. If you love each other, you make each other happy and you can’t imagine your life with anyone else, go for it. 

Post # 39
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

I for one am tired of ppl telling me I need to consider things down the road and think about big things like children and what we’ll want in 20 years and how we’ll look. You think I haven’t thought about all of this and more in the past 3 years? im sure OP has done the same. Ppl like to jump on the advice wagon whenever you bring up this kinda relationship. They just don’t a expect a 20-something year old to be that thoughtful or something. It’s frustrating because everytime I mention the age  diff online, ppl ask “are you sure?” “have you Considered…” c’mon now…it’s really just condescending

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  rosecut.
Post # 40
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Whitetail Ridge

 

rosecut:  So let it roll off your back, then. It shouldn’t bother you if you’re confident in it.

Post # 41
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My Future Mother-In-Law and her husband are 11-12 years apart.  My father is dating someone who is 14 years his junior (lucky him!).  Im 18 months older than my fiancee.  Age aint nuthing but a number.

Post # 42
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

CEM16:  I’m saying I don’t think OP needs the advice some of you are giving. That kinda advice is appropriate at the start of a relationship not after they’re engaged because its safe to assume they’ve thought things through by that point 

Post # 43
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Haha, I love how when a child of a relationship like this tells what the end of life crap is actually like, people just want to write me off as having ‘issues’ with my father. It’s possible to to be a grown up and see your parents with clear eyes, you know? I had a good childhood with him. He couldn’t play with me or take me out to do sports etc, but he communicated with me in other ways. Of course, being from the same generation as my grandfather on my mothers side meant that he had a lot more attitudes that clashed with my more modern outlook. This meant when I was old enough to start having my own opinions we pretty much never agreed about anything. Yet another downside of such a gap. Imagine being brought up by your grandfather in the role of your father and his morals and ideals and tastes in books/film/art/music and his basic point of reference and really think about how that might have worked out for you.

 

Everyone who has posted here with the lived experience of a generational age gap are still living in the easy part of the relationship. Once your man becomes an OAP while you still want to go out, have holidays, see friends, go for dinners, see the world, eventually enjoy your own retirement…all those things go out the window if you have an elderly husband to care for. Sure, maybe there’s a chance that he’ll encourage you to do all those things without him but do you a) want to do all of that while your husband sits at home waiting for death and b) really think he’d be so selfless when he’s an old man? 

I don’t understand why people are pointing out that guys their age are just after sex. There’s lots of men who are only after that or a status symbol – with generational age gaps it’s just so much more obvious and more likely. And creepy. You can push and pry all you like but a man aged 40-50 who is dating a woman in her 20s will not admit to this, not if he wants to keep her. And he probably knows all the right things he needs to say, based on, you know, the whole life of experience he has on her. 

Post # 44
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

i once met a guy whose parents were 40 years apart. so when his mom was 40, his dad was 80. a bit unusual, but the dad was also a super wealthy dude and the mom was the second wife. 

Post # 45
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

Demi-chan:  Unfortunately sometimes being honest can cause conflict here on the weddingbee. 

My father was older than my mother by 15 years.  He passed early and my mother was a widow at age 30. When my father was alive he wasn’t very active due to health issues.  I didn’t get to play with him the way other kids with younger fathers did. This is one of the main reasons I wouldn’t want an much older spouse. 

However,  I do believe it’s not for everyone,  but if it works for you, good. 

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