- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2018
I’ll try to keep this brief but it probably won’t be. I’ve posted about my mum before but in short, she’s a narcissist.
It’s started causing some friction with Fiance. Nothing serious, just not something I want to escalate. Fiance gets frustrated when I speak with her, she drags me down and upsets me and Fiance doesn’t like seeing me like that. So I’ve been practising saying no and ignoring her calls. As is her MO if she can’t get hold of me she’ll use other people before eventually threatening suicide.* Fiance says he doesn’t think it’s fair to be put in the position where she’s calling him and he has to ignore her. I’ve said he doesn’t but I realise that in practise he does. So I explained that I’m between a rock and a hard place. That I don’t want to speak to her and have nothing to say. And if I do she’ll bring me down (I’m using EFT to overcome how I feel). He knows this is the usual pattern.
She was a complete psycho last week, I offered to see her for an afternoon (yesterday) but because it was inconvenient for her she tried to reschedule. When I couldn’t do the day she wanted she had a tantrum that I don’t care. I know this is manipulation and like a fool I fell for it, rearranging my week so I could see her. This escalated into her inviting herself to ours overnight (midweek, to our one bed, we only have a couch for her to sleep on). She also made an incovenient wedding related appointment with someone who is doing us a favour for today.
I put my foot down. Cancelled citing that she’d changed to goalposts from one afternoon to two nights and that her method of doing so (feigning she’d stay elsewhere before saying I’d “forgotten” that she was staying on the couch – seriously?! – again usual MO) is totally unacceptable.
Not wanting to let down the person she made the appointment with (it’s not his fault) I still plan to see him. And likely, I will see my mum because it makes sense to drop some wedding things off with her as I’ve had to rent a car and need to make it worth it. She’s been texting me constantly, not because she cares how I am, just because she needs to know in order to text this guy apparently. I have his number, it’s sorted. And I messaged her so. Now, in order to behave in the way I wish to be treated by her I do need to ask to drop by and not just assume it’s ok.
I don’t even know if this makes sense anymore. It’s such a complex situation. I’m not sure where me reclaiming my independence ends and my being stubborn begins. My “everything is in hand” text was followed up by a barrage of questions asking how. I want to say “can I pop in this afternoon?” But I know I’ll get questions about how I’m getting there, what time, and she’ll cook dinner without asking if I want it and make me feel guilty for leaving (again, usual MO). I know she’ll criticise me for hiring a car. Because she always gets her nose in how we spend our money. I just feel sick thinking about it.
Any ideas on how to deal with this would be great. But words of support qould be so so welcome.
*please don’t think I’m taking this lightly. She’s clearly in a bad place to even suggest it but this is on repeat, I’ve called her out on it and suggested councelling but she doesn’t believe in mental health services. It’s exhausting. I always keep tabs on her. I know bees have suggested intervention in the past and I did look into. I’ve basically been told that because it’s a threat and she’s not a genuine harm to herself there’s nothing that can be done.