- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
My son is in pre primary (5yrs old)… dont know what you u.s bees call that. Anyway, last year in kindy, he had a bit of a struggle making friends because he is so little, and well, does not think of himself as a kid.. He was born at 24 weeks and as a result he has a few sensory things going on and is quite particuilar in things being a certain way.
Anyway, finally this year, he has made himself a friend. I will call him Jack. Jack is a great little kid, but he comes from a family that has a lot of issues. His mum as nice as she is has her hands full. She has four kids, one older than Jack and two still in nappies. anyway. The older child (ill call him Josh) has some full on behavioral issues. Some of which are the result of ADHD, others from what I beieve is PTSD (his mum was in a violent relationship with his father up untill 3) years ago) and the rest is I believe from her parenting style.
You see, this mother is very…. abrupt with her kids. She doesnt talk to them, she talks/yells at them. She seems to be always angry with them when she picks them up and seems to wig out at the smallest things the boys do.. some of it is innocent enough. they are little kids. Often I see Jack jump and look like a little startled deer when she yells. He really is the cutest kid.
Just about every afternoon at school pick up he begs to come to our place to play. If I say no, he pretty much has tears in his eyes, then his mum starts on him. It makes me cringe for him, so I often say yes even if i really dont have the time or want to have him over. Also, because she lives a good 30 mins walk from my house and does not have a car, guess who always has to take Jack home? Me.
She also regularly rings me to pick up her kids for her all the time for numerous reasons… it is either too hot for her to walk and pick up her kids, has had issues with the oldest and cant get them because her younger kids are sleeping, she is sick, the kids are sick…. bla bla bla. One day she rang and I knew she was going to ask me to pick them up again.. I was trying to study and didnt want to, so I screaned her calls… No shit, that woman rang like 30 times. The next day my son came home upset because Jack was being mean to my son and saying that Jack said he wasnt his friend any more and he was throwing sand at my son and pushing him over. I tried to think it was a coincedence…
I have no problem with him coming, but I am starting to see things in his behavior that have me worried. This includes him pushing my 22 month old daughter off her bike when he wanted to play with it, displaying acts of impulsivness, and plays quite violently (lots of hitting and kicking) when he doesnt get his way. I know he is young so i make sure they are always supervised when he comes. (yes Im a sucker and feel sorry for him). If I say now this woman also has a tendency somehow make you feel bad and really pushes to get her own way.
She is also currently really pushing for Jack to come and have a sleep over at our house, but at five years old I think that it is just too young.
Yesterday afternoon Jack wanted to come over but was to shy to ask, so then his mum yelled at him in front of everyone to ask me.. then he got all embarrassed again and again infront of everyone at the top of her voice said ” My son is too embarrassed to ask you a question.. Why dont you just ask Jack? Wifey doesnt have all day!!!” Remember that this poor kid is five. I cringed for him. I had to say no because I had all ready made plans to study that afternoon and didnt want to be interupted and lose more time loading three kids up into a car and dropping him off before having to race home to start dinner. So this kid once again was in near tears. Me being me then felt bad and said how about we try to do something tomorrow. Then Jacks mum said to my son, How about you come to my house tomorrow? I felt like I had no choice but to agree for the sake of my son’s one and only friendship.
So then on the walk home, Jack was innocently playing with a stick as we were leaving the school grounds.. Josh in true bully big brother style, hips and shoulders Jack and takes the stick of him. Then Jack fully start punching his brother and was really angry and upset. What was most disturbing was that the mother didnt stop it, all she said was ‘see what I have to put up with?’ It was me who had to get Josh to put the stick down and settle Jack. What was most disturbing was in the next sentence she was telling me how she had DCP (department of child protection) rock up on her door at the begginning of the week to investigate complaints of her always yelling and screaming at her kids! In my head im screaming RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!!!
I know there is alot of literature about different parenting styles conserning Low. SES families and she no doubt fits the profile. I have no issue with my child making a friend who is of economic disadvantage, as we are pretty in over our heads too… But I dont parent the way she does or do my kids have the behavioral issues hers does. She is also a smoker, I am not. My son has badly scarred lungs from being born so premature.
So anyway, reluctantly, I let my son go today after school… I didnt want him to go. I am only giving him an hour to play there before I go and pick him up. I really dont want him going there because of how many little things i am seeing going on. Am I being overly protective or silly?
Also how do I in the future say to my son that I dont want him to play at his only friends house (and Jacks only friend) without pissing this woman off and making things harder for both myself, my son and little Jack? Has anyone else had to deal with this situation?