(Closed) Mum’s wedding is suddenly 11 weeks after mine – vent!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1330 posts
Bumble bee

@miss.alice.m:  Hi, I think it is selfish of your mom to spend so much on her wedding and not contribute to make yours the same or better as her own will be. I think honestly, it will make her look bad as a mother. I am a mom to teenagers getting re-married, and if  Ididn’t throw them some money for school or clothes, etc but then had this big wedding…how would I look?


I totally understand how you feel and it would cause some resentment with me, too. Does your mom know your financial situation and how much you had to save to have this? Also, from your mom’s perspective, it IS her day, HER money, and the timing sucks but your wedding most likely encouraged them to realize they want t oget married.


How to save face? Only you know your mom best. Can you be honest with her?



Post # 4
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Um. Why do you think you deserve a better wedding than your mom? Why was your love more special than hers? I think you have a bit of bride brain going on. Time to let go and move on. There will always be someone who had or is having a grander, more expensive wedding than you had, but it doesn’t matter, because your wedding was just to celebrate your love, right? And you did that. Your mom gets to do that, too.

Post # 5
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@moonadea – I agree completely!

Post # 6
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can understand a little bit how you could be sad/jealous that your mom is having a bigger and more extravagant wedding than you did.

However, it’s her wedding and her money and although it would have been nice, she had no obligation to use that money for your wedding. She’s older and has had longer to save for an event like this. There’s no rule that the daughter’s wedding must be better than the mother’s.

Be happy she is going to have the wedding she wants and is marrying a man she loves and be thankful she didn’t choose to do it on the same day (or weekend) as your wedding.

This is said a lot on here so I will repeat it, “You get one day not a week, not a month, not a year. Just one day for your wedding.”

11 weeks after your wedding is a completely respectable amount of time after your wedding to have hers. You couldn’t really expect her to wait a whole year after your wedding to get married, especially since she is older.

It also sounds like she originally wasn’t looking at anything that would upstage your wedding, but she fell in love with something over the top and if she can afford to have her wedding there, more power to her.

I can understand why you might feel a little down about it, but try to get past it and be happy for your mom and for your new marriage. 

Post # 7
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

2012 was supposed to be your YEAR? 

Older brides have more money, period. Stop the negative thinking and be happy for your mother. Her goal is to get married to her partner and have her parents there. Don’t begrudge her that. 

Post # 8
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Does it matter how big and fancy the wedding is or does it matter whom you are marrying? You said your wedding was perfect for you two, so why should you be jealous?

Everyone has a different path, everyone wants different things. You chose not to spend a fortune on your wedding, she is choosing to spend a fortune. It’s about what she prefers, it’s her wedding after all. You got to decide how big and “fancy” you wanted your wedding, and she can do the same. You’re an adult, you chose to pay for your wedding and really, I know it’s “tradition” and all but parents are not required to pay for their childrens wedding. I personally think it’s enough that a parent supports and raises the child from birth until 18, that alone costs enough money.

No stones being thrown but try being happy for her maybe? Why should her wedding make you feel like yours was any less special?

Post # 9
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KatNYC2011:  <— This!  I know it feels like she’s upstaging you, but you get to have the wedding you want and she gets to have the wedding she wants.  Just keep reminding yourself that you only get one day and that it was very special and that nothing can take that away.

Post # 10
1431 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, your wedding is over with and you said you loved it so I’m not sure why you are upset. Your mom can spend her money any way she chooses. I could see a little irritation if she was planning the same time as you ect, but it seems like she waited until after your wedding was over to move forward with her so that at least is a positive. Just focus on all the special things about your day and be happy for you mom.

Post # 11
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

My mum called a couple weeks after my husband and I married to announce she and my stepfather were, after 25+ years together, getting married within a couple weeks time. They married about a month after my husband and I did.

I was nothing but delighted and happy for them. I could not even be at the wedding in person – had to “attend” by Skype – and aside from my own wedding it is the best wedding I have ever been to. I was in tears and just so excited for them.

It never even crossed my mind to feel jealous or resentful!

You had a wedding. I am assuming it was special and memorable to you as you exchanged vows with someone you love, whatever the venue or budget. You do not get a YEAR to yourself to be “special”. That is ridiculous! Your wedding should not feel any less special because your mother is getting married, fancy venue or not. Nor should your mother not have the wedding she wants to tiptoe around you. She gets to exchange vows with someone she loves however she and he want. At the end of the day it is really NOT about the venue, the budget or the pictures – it shouldn’t be at least. Those are not what make a wedding special or memorable!

And if you DID want a flashier wedding? You could have saved more for it. Your mother does NOT owe you to give you the wedding of your dreams, even if she spends more on her wedding than you had for yours. It is her (and her partner’s) money to do as they wish!

Post # 12
1736 posts
Bumble bee

From the sound of it, you are well aware how your jealousy is coming off. You said it yourself:

“Argh I just need to bite my tongue and get over myself! My mother and her partner deserve all the happiness in the world, and they were really supportive through my husband and my wedding.”

You are completely right. You need to stop comparing the two weddings and be thankful that you have the love and support of compassionate and caring parents. I highly doubt your Mom is trying to upstage you…just think of it this way…you and your hubby will get to attend a lavish affair as newlyweds! You’ll get to dress up, celebrate and watch two people you adore get married. What is better than that??

Post # 13
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your wedding is over, now the marriage begins, thats the most important part anyway, not how big and flashy your day is compared to someone else’s or how much attention you are going to get.  I’m not trying to sound mean but put things into perspective:  what is the reasons for weddings– to show off or to marry your love and be with him forever?  Don’t think about the pricetag and be happy for your mom! 🙂

Post # 14
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Agree wth PP’s, you had your day. As for the poster who thought your Mom should have made your wedding just as “flashy” as her is going to be….seriously? I do not understand why people think their parents OWE them a wedding. Nor do I get the “stealing my thunder, getting married same year (or months later)” type posts we see all the time here. Last I checked, I dont own a year, nor do I have the right to dictate what other people do in their lives. The fact that the OPs grandparents are not doing well and her mother wants to have them witness her day is THE most important thing here and totaly understandable that  they’d be having a wedding soon, how flashy they decide is up to them, its their money and their lives.

Enjoy your day, enjoy your guests, in whatever fashion you can afford. If others help, great. If not, oh well, its your wedding, not their obligation. If someone else gets married the same year let them have their day. If this is causing you stress/jealousy/anxiety (a you in general not just the OP) then you seriously need to get over yourself. When I see posts like this it just makes me think of of spoiled, 2 year old temper tantrum brats.

Post # 15
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The OP says that she knows she needs to bite her tongue and get over it… So we should be careful to take this as a vent/rant/release into the internet.

@miss.alice.m:  At the same time you do ask for sympathy, and I’m not sure you’ll find a WHOLE lot of that.  It’s natural enough to have emotional reactions, and I’d say the majority of us have had unkind thoughts, but I’ve found the Hive is good at giving out some tough love to straighten us out when it’s needed!

I don’t think you’re wrong to want a special day, or even wishing that you had been able to afford the “dream venue” that your mother is getting… (Even though you’ve already had a beautiful wedding!) But it IS unflattering for a woman to wish another wasn’t having the wedding that she dreams of, because it “upstages” the first woman’s wedding in someway.  It becomes even more bitter when these two ladies are family.

I suspect you already know this… and that may be what you’re struggling with.

If you loved your wedding in April, and thought it was perfect then; nothing that your mother plans now will change how your wedding was.  Unless you allow your memories to be clouded through a lens of jealousy. 

Good luck.  I hope you find peace.

Post # 16
14 posts

Put your feelings aside, and celebrate with your mother. Some of us don’t even have a mother to celebrate with. Be grateful.

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