(Closed) Musings on turning 25 (Great Expectations?)

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think most women are on a different timeline than their SOs, don’t worry! As you said, our families and cultures put a lot of pressure on us to adhere to a certain standard. It sounds like you’re on your way to having a family. Do you think you can wait if it takes your SO a few more years? 

Post # 4
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I really wish more people commented on this. I haven’t posted outside of the waiting and rings boards so this is a bit odd for me. I’ve only accidentally stumbled on this thread. 

OP, I’m in a similar situation, but not exactly the same. I also come from a Russian background and my SO is American. I’m 23 and my SO is turning 26. I think if it were me who was turning 26 my family would start asking questions. As it is, I only ever hear comments about having children, and slightly strange looks when I tell people children will likely not be in the picture until I’m around 28-30 (if not even later, due to grad school). 

I thought your first inquiry was interesting. When I was younger (ages 6-10) I always thought 16 was the magic age. That’s when I thought I’d have a boyfriend and maybe a job. Then it became 18. That’s when I could buy cigarettes, drive, play scratchcards, vote, etc. Then it was 21, I could drink, go to all the clubs, finish college. Of course, when I was 6 I thought by the time I’d be 21 I’d be an adult. Whatever that means. My parents and grandparents were in their early 20’s when they had children. So when I was a kid I thought that was normal. 

When I was 10 we moved to the US and it felt like everything moved slower here. Being 23 I still feel like a kid a lot of the time. It’s normal for 25 year old men to play video games and go to bars and date around. Children aren’t in the picture until people are in their 30’s (a lot of the time, obviously not always). 

So I think I had certain expectations based on my family and our culture, but I don’t know if they have the same expectations for me. I’ve been with my SO a bit over 3 years. When I was younger I would have thought that they’d be on my ass to get married by now lol But I think they realize that American culture is different, and they also don’t necessarily want me to grow up. So I think at least for now they’re okay with me “waiting.” 

As for my SO, he grew up in this (American) culture. Not to say that I didn’t (after all 10-23 is quite a bit of growing up), but I also know what it’s like to live in a different culture. SO doesn’t. So I do think SO’s and my expectations are a bit different based on our cultural background. But I also think that after dating for 3 years a lot of our expectations and even background start to align and mesh together. If I were dating a Russian guy or if he was dating an American girl maybe it’d be totally different. But dating each other I think brought us to the same page. I think maybe marriage is a bit farther away for me than it would have been, but it’s also closer to him than it may have been. In a relationship you have to compromise. So I think that’s ours, and I think we’re both okay with it (for now at least). 

Post # 5
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This is interesting, I also want more bees to respond.

Fiance and I are 11 years apart – he’s 35 and i’m 24.  Just after I turn 25 I will be graduating and getting married.  It feels like “just right” timing.  I always thought 17 was the perfect age – my older cousins were 17 when I was around 6 or 7 and I wanted to be just like them.  As a teenager I enjoyed being 17, and now I enjoy being 24.  The same cousins did not get married until 30 and one has her first child at 37.  I’ve always looked up to them but am going against my family culture and getting married younger.  I also thought that 23 would be the perfect age to get married (when I was in my early teens) but when I was that age I was NOT “so old” the way I pictured 23 to be.  Funny though, that’s the age I met Fiance.  So my timeline has altered.  I’m getting married at what’s considered younger-ish for my family, and culture (Canadian) – none of my friends my age are even close to being married.  My behaviour is mature so people don’t question that I should be getting married or not, but I often feel like the odd one out in my peer group.

Deciding that now is the time has to do with Fiance – not in a way that he pressures me or anything, he’s definitely on the cautious “you figure out what’s best for you” side, but seeing him as a “man” – all grown up, professional and prepared for family life, I feel comfortable and safe with where he is in life so I am happy to want to marry him and have kids.  He has done all the partying/travelling/school stuff that would take his focus away from me already.  A younger guy, i would worry about that.  I just don’t feel like guys my age are grown up.

So I guess OP, this is the opposite of your situation.  I know alot of girls are putting off families for careers and travelling.  That’s great, if they are really passionate about it.  But I worry about friends who are having fertility issues and who have give up medical practice for kids feeling like they “wasted time” and who have only one child at and older maternal age.  So for me, what is best is to get on the baby making and hopefully have a family.  Its different for everyone.  It feels if you go against the norm you have something to defend – just enjoy what you’re doing and if you aren’t happy, change what’s going on.

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