(Closed) Must-Have Goals Before Engagement

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
697 posts
Busy bee

I’m almost fairly certain that me finding a job is one of the requirements.  Probably the only one, at that.

Or at the least, I’d feel more comfortable talking about engagement/marriage if I had a steady, decently-paying job. 

Of course, everyone else keeps telling me to move to another part of the state, and I don’t really want to work in any of those areas…

Post # 4
1070 posts
Bumble bee

We both must have our undergrad degrees before I agree to get married. For as long as I can remember I have told myself that I would never be married as an undergrad.

I won’t say we both have to have stable careers because I will be going for my phd and he will be going for his MD in psychology and both of us will be in school for quite a while. Also, while I am not dependent on my parents money, because of my age their income decides what kind of aid I get for school. Once I start working on a graduate degree then I will be totally independent of their incomes.

I know we will still struggle, as we will probably get married while both of us are in grad school, but I am ok with that because we will be working together towards a better life.

Post # 5
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

sula – this is totally my biggest fear! money is tight on my end, and i’ve been trying to get my act together for some time. but i think i’m just going to have to make some sacrifices. i think we’re either just going to have to get married longer than i want to and that the wedding will probably be smaller than i always wanted…. i refuse to have debt from my wedding – i have too much already from student loans, etc. i think the trick is deciding on a realistic budget and savings strategy, and sticking to it.

Post # 6
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I have dated a variety of men and after the last one (the one before my FI) I decided that they MUST have a job, and value education. I know for me personally it would never work if those two requirements were not fulfilled.

Post # 7
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

We wanted to get out of debt and have an emergency fund before we get married. I’m happy to say that we got out of debt at the end of the summer and have 2000 in an emergency fund! YAY! It feels really good to be starting out with a blank slate financially. (:

Post # 8
219 posts
Helper bee

We’re already engaged. But as a PhD student, I want to be a canidate before we get married. This means, finishing my course work (which will happen this Spring), sitting for my qualifiying exams (this summer). Which makes me really excited that there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel.

Then after the wedding I can focus on my dissertation.  


Post # 9
337 posts
Helper bee

oh we had several MUSTS. or should I say I did and he agreed. first, we had to graduate college. 2nd we couldn’t be living at our parents house. 3rd we had to have been living together for at least a year. 4th we had to be financially independent from our parents (i.e. paying our own rent) and 5th we had to have some idea of careers. My fi and I are both students at the moment but we do work as well, in our fields of choice. I work full time and him part time while both going for our masters. So while we are independent, we still do have money struggles. I just thought these 5 requirements would help us because I don’t feel I had any right to get engaged until I was an adult and I didn’t think I could consider myself an adult until I was on my own and not depending on my parents.

Post # 10
36 posts
  • Wedding: August 2009

Ours were

1. Being financially independant

2. Have a somewhat clear career path or goals drawn out

3. Have an agreement on where we’re living in the long run, kids or no kids, and lifestyle.

We achieveed No.1 but not for long since both of us are planning on getting a PhD in the future-meaning leaving our jobs and income. But we talked this one out with our parents and both sides agreed they’d rather us get married sooner and they’d help us financially later if needed (we’re lucky they are supportive).

No.2 we agreed to have constant discussions about changes and progress as we know things change along the way. We just try to talk about our goals and help each other out. This point was important for my SO before we got married because he felt that I would just jump in unplanned, sacrifice my opportunities and end up just following him around. He really did not want me to plan on being a housewife.

I’m not sure if we are totally on the same page for No.3 but at least he told me that he will respect my decision of how many kids and when since I’m the one getting pregnant. He reluctantly said it’s ok if I didn’t want any though.

Post # 11
281 posts
Helper bee

I’m pretty sure he’ll be waiting for me to finalize my college plans, and a few of my musts were promises to:

-Not steal our child every weekend when he visits his parents.

-Not deny me to renovate our home, whereever it may be (i.e. “Why do we need new counters?  These aren’t broken.”)

-Not to be upset when I purchase my ridiculously expensive/unnecessary vehicle.

-That we maintain separate checking and savings accounts.

He, in turn, asked that I change poo diapers (he is poo phobic.  Seriously.), not turn into one of those manipulative women once I get the ring, and to continue to be humble and happy.

Fair enough. 🙂

Post # 12
34 posts

(My first post on Weddingbee! Smile )

My boyfriend and I have talked a LOT about engagement and marriage requirements. He’s 25 and done with his BBA, while I’m only 20 and still working on mine. He has told me that he doesn’t want to get married until I have my bachelor’s. (I was originally planning on a master’s as well… but that changed recently) and I totally understand his point. We want to be equal partners, and we want a family. I don’t want to have kids while I’m still in school. I want to be able to enjoy married life and family life without stressing about tests and papers. I also want to get a “real” job before we have kids and save some money, so I can quit and be a stay at home mom when we do have kids.
We have it all planned out, and he should propose within the next year, if he knows what’s good for him. Lol

Interestingly, I work with a girl who’s dating a guy who just got into chiropracter’s school. She refuses to move in with him until they’re married, because she would have to totally support them financially and she doesn’t want to do that without the commitment of marriage. I totally understand her point, but he doesn’t.

Post # 13
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We definitely have a few musts before we get married.  I’m already done with school and have a job, but he’s getting his Master’s.  One of the things he wants to do is have a job, have a chance to save up money before he buys the ring.  We both are the type that can’t stand to have even a small a balance on our credit cards, and he doesn’t want to take out a loan for my ring when he already has loans piling up from grad school.  I’m okay with that, and I’m glad he isn’t planning to throw himself into further debt. 

The other thing we need to figure out where we are living when he graduates, since right now we aren’t living in the same city.  That will mostly be determined by where he gets his job since he will make 2-3 times more money than me.

With all that in mind I can’t forsee getting engaged until late 2010 at the earliest.

Post # 14
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

As far as I’m aware we’ve managed to reach our goals. They were:

1) Finish univeristy

2) qualify

3) Save the money for the ring/wedding/house etc

We’re long distance, but I want to be engaged before he moves over to be with me next year, and once he’s moved marry soon after. We’ll have enough for a deposit for a house with what we’ve saved by now, so anything more is what I consider wedding fund, there’s another 11 months before we move so we can keep saving too.

Post # 15
345 posts
Helper bee

Ours were,

1. Be finshed with undergrad (done)

2. Living together (done)

3. Have some money saved (still in prgress)

4. He wants to finish his Master’s degree (almost done)

Post # 16
26 posts
  • Wedding: September 2010

He was already settled with house, savings and a masters when we met.  I was in the middle of grad school.  We agreed that I’d have to find a full time job before we got engaged.  Luckily I met my goal sooner than later!

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