Post # 1
Just to provide some background information: My good friend is someone who introduced me to my significant other (SO). If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have met the love of my life and I’m extremely grateful for that.
Two years ago, she was in a long-term relationship with someone (Guy #1) that we absolutely adored. He’s a good man, dedicated, friendly and very kind. Then out of the blue, she dumped him when she met Guy #2 at work. We were all shocked and couldn’t believe it.
This guy (Guy#2) is needy, clingy, over-the-top with PDA and has no problems making people feel extremely uncomfortable in the same room. Myself, my SO, and our mutual friends – we all cannot stand this guy. He has done nothing to get to know us. He whines, complains and is rude when he wants to be rude. Moreover, I have a medical condition that people need to accommodate. He knows this and will do nothing to accommodate me, even after telling him to do so. There have been several instances where I’ve had to walk out of dinner gatherings feeling frustrated and angry. I know it doesn’t seem mature but when you reach the boiling point, it’s the only thing you can do. I have spoken to my friend several times about her boyfriend’s behaviour and how it has affected me. I’ve tried to get to know him – he just doesn’t give a sh*t about reciprocating that gesture. She understands and alway tells me that she will work on it with him. Now, it’s gotten to the point where all of us avoid any dinner gatherings or parties because we just simply cannot be around him. To sum it up, she’s now with someone who she may very well marry. In fact, she never wanted to get married before, even with Guy #1, and now with Guy #2, she’s seriously considering it.
I’m definitely inviting my friend to wedding – after all she is close to me and my SO. The only thing is, I absolutely DO NOT want to invite her boyfriend. I just cannot fathom the thought of him being there at MY wedding. It makes me ill just to think about him being there. With respect to my other friends, no one can bring a +1 unless they’re common-law by choice (many relatives on SO’s side is common-law due to their laid-back beliefs), engaged or married. The wedding party will have a +1. But everyone else will not be allowed to bring a +1 because we just simply cannot afford it.
How do I deal with this? I know my friend will be upset and possibly hurt or spiteful. I don’t want any drama but the thought of inviting him just makes me sick. My SO supports me on this as he is not fond of my friend’s boyfriend. I’m open to allowing him to come to the reception (after dinner) but not the ceremony or dinner.
Do I have any rights in this?
Post # 3
The way you make it sound, your friend and #2 (yes, I missed putting “guy” in front of that, because he does sound like poo!) have been a couple for a decent amount of time.
And although, crappy, you’ve met him several times.
I don’t think you could really invite her without him. Sorry to say.
Maybe slip him some sleeping pills at the reception so he needs to go nighty-night?
Post # 4
you said it right there “no one can bring a +1 unless they’re common-law by choice (many relatives on SO’s side is common-law due to their laid-back beliefs), engaged or married. The wedding party will have a +1. But everyone else will not be allowed to bring a +1 because we just simply cannot afford it.”
Since no one is being allowed a plus one your friend shouldnt be allowed one either… and the above is your justification…your friend is not married nor engaged (considering marriage is NOT engaged) nor are they common law husband and wife therefore you have no obligations to invite him
But call me a b*tch but if I were you even without your above “rule” I still wouldnt invite him anyway… youve openly expressed your dislike for this man and so why should you feel obligated to invite him? I would send out her invitaiton defaulted to 1 and if she doesnt like it then she can stay home too
Post # 5
Honestly I think you have to invite him. The only way to get around that is if you don’t invite ANYONE with dates, but I doubt that’s going to be the case.
A good friend of mine had a boyfirend for a long time that everyone despised. Her best friend would refuse to invite her to parties, gatherings, etc b/c of this guy and my friend used to get really upset and mad. It sucks when you don’ tlike your firends significant other, but out of respect to them and the friendship, you need ot suck it up and invite the guy.
The most you can do is explain to her nicely, privately at a later date why you’re concerned he’s not the right guy for her. But other than that, you have to respect her choice and you can’t tell her not to bring him.
Post # 6
You do not have to invite him at all. Honestly, if I were your friend, I wouldn’t even expect my guy to be invited unless we were living together. And especially since you’re not inviting other +1s, you’re totally covered.
Post # 7
I agree with the others re: not inviting him.
If they aren’t common-law (which, I believe, means living together for MORE than a year), then she doesn’t get to bring him.
Tell her the reasons, if asked, and let HER decide if SHE wants to come or not. On the invite, make it known she doesn’t get a plus one (put only her name or the number 1 somewhere on the RSVP).
good luck! (and from my view point, sounds like she loves the fact the guy IS clingy and needy… unlike the other one who was pretty confident in himself and wasn’t clingy or needy in the least bit… if that makes any sense!)
Post # 8
Are they living together tho?
Post # 9
I would honestly not invite him. Unless she is a bridesmaid, then I would suck it up. If she is just a great friend, then just invite her. If she asks for a plus one, simply say that money is tight and only the bridal party and spouses (including common law spouses), are invited. I feel your good friend knows you don’t like him, but also understands that money is a limited resource.
Post # 10
Yeah, my best friend’s bf I couldn’t STAND, and he woudl talk sh*t about me ALL the time, and my friend would have to defend me. I just had to suck it up and invite him, since he was my best friend’s guest. I DID though have a talk with my friend and say look, I am letting you bring him but here are the rules.
Post # 11
If they’re living together, then I don’t think you have a way to not invite him. Will he really ruin your day that much? You more than likely will see him once or twice during the night. And to be honest, you’re ok with inviting him to the reception, but not the ceremony or dinner? Dinner IS the reception. You certainly can’t get away with inviting him to only part of the day. It’s either all or nothing…and since you’re willing to invite him to the “reception” you have to invite him to the ceremony and dinner.
Post # 12
If they are living together, I don’t think theyre’s a way to avoid it. If not, then don’t.
Post # 13
They don’t live together and are not considered common law. In a way, they act like they’re in high school whenever they’re together (extreme PDA, and I do mean EXTREME) regardless of what social affair they are in. I once had a sit-down dinner and it was fancy and they were all over each other at the table. It was just inappropriate. The last thing I want at my wedding is for them to do that – and make other guests uncomfortable!
I recently went a friend’s wedding and her family/her husband’s family were HUGE so they could invite a certain number of people to the ceremony and dinner (120 tops) but a lot of people came afterwards for the drinks/dancing. No one said anything and that is what I was thinking…
It makes me sick to think that I will have to shell out money to PAY for this guest – which is why I think it might be a good idea to explain to my friend about the budget/seating concerns and that he can come after dinner.
What do you think, bees?
Post # 14
@Ryna – her last boyfriend was very laid-back, not clingy or anything. He was very relaxed and refrained from being OTT in terms of PDA. I guess she likes the affection that Guy #2 gives because he’s making her the centre of attention, but for all the wrong reasons. Sadly, Guy #2 kind of “buys” her love by spending $$ on lavish dinners, getaway trips, drives her all over and gives her gifts – all of which Guy #1 did not do because he could not afford it (university student at the time).
Post # 15
With the guidelines you decided upon for +1, he does not need to be invited. She will probably expect he will be invited however, so as long as you stick to your +1 guidelines, she needs to respect your decision.
Post # 16
You have your own rule to support your decision to not invite him, it is being applied evenly across your guest list so it is totally fair… and why invite someone who makes you miserable to your wedding? He probably will be relieved to have another reason to be mean to you irrationally.
Honestly, I would normally probably say “be the bigger person, one person can’t ruin your day” blah blah… but I just watched The Hills on Netflix and was reminded how a toxic boyfriend can blind a girl and make all of her friends truly miserable when they are around him so… I say do what you want! Down with Spencer Pratt!