(Closed) must vent about future MIL

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@rosewater7:  Try respectfully telling her that your family would find the jacket offensive, small lie if they haven’t said as much but well it could be worth it. Other wise its up to you on if you let her wear it or not. It is YOUR day NOT hers.

Post # 4
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

FMIL~FML, that made me laugh. I’m sorry that she’s being such a witch. Some people, even MILs are mean people. This woman is clearly not happy in any case. Even if you put your foot down, would she probably end up wearing what she pleases? Probably. Would your insistance that she change her outfit cause more tension in a already strained relationship? Probably. If that’s the case, I say focus on your wedding and do your best to ignore her. Her looking like an ass in the photos will come back to haunt her, not you as you will look fabulous in your dress. If anything, your wedding album can have less pics of her in it. You can plaster as many pics of her in that jacket in the parent albums and not have to deal with it.

Post # 5
2965 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m only having 1 pic taken of FI’s mom and Fiance (I NEVER will call her FMIL) and that pic surely will NOT be in my wedding album. Fiance can keep that crap in his wallet or better yet not even in this house. FI’s mom and I do not speak and we will not be taking any pics together. I’m so sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, things dont always turn out the way you would like them to be. 

Post # 6
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That is super culturally insensitive.  I would have Fiance tell her that.  She needs to find something else to wear.  I have found it’s better to voice my concerns through him than go to her directly.  Good luck…sounds like a sweet lady…

Post # 7
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was in the same boat as you about a week ago and my Future Mother-In-Law flipped out on me because I kindly mentioned that black would be a little out of place at a wedding with bright colors,during the day OUTSIDE in August AFTER she sent me a picture asking me for my opinion. (plus there’s an old saying that if the bridesmaids aren’t in black and the MOG or MOB wears black she disapproves of the bride,but not so much today in the modern world I quickly found out). She then spoke to me rudely that she doesn’t care what anyone thinks and she might just wear all black because of that! I gave up after that, it’s not worth it to me to get into it with her again. i just let her win and told her she could wear whatever she wanted. I posted something about this same issue a few days ago. When I stopped trying to help and caring she started coming around to some beautiful appropriate dresses for the occasion. I wish you luck girl and I hope you don’t stress too much like I did. Let her look back and think OMG what was I thinking!?! whoops did I just type that?:p God love the FMIL’s!

Post # 8
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@rosewater7:  I don’t understand how the jacket you described (chinese in design)  can be culturally insensitive? Is it something like this but in ivory? Maybe she is trying to be welcoming to you and her wearing this attire is part of that.

I also think it is unfair for you to judge her by your mother. Everyone is different and some people like helping others and some people do not. She may also feel the unlike (I can sure feel it from what you wrote) you feel for her. That would definately affect her attitute towards you even if you are doing subconsciously (eye rolls, facial expressions that you don’t even realise you are doing).

Did you try and include her in your planning? Maybe she didn’t want to butt in and be a controlling Future Mother-In-Law because she could feel how you feel about her. Respect and relationships are a two way street.

I don’t think her flipping out was the best way for her to handle the situation but at the same time trying to dictate what an adult wears is also not an ok thing to do.

Maybe try having a conversation with the women instead of jumping to conclusions and judging her actions. Especially since people sometimes misinterpret actions.

Post # 9
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She doesn’t need to offer to help with your wedding.  The planning is your and FI’s job alone, and while others may offer assistance they do not need to.

It was also not rude of her to not offer to help with Thanksgiving, although her complaints were inappropriate.

She is a grown woman and can dress herself.  Do you really think she chose that coat to insult you?  Maybe she is trying to show that she is trying to embrace your background.  Unless your family would find that sort of clothing offensive I don’t think you should say that to her.

Post # 10
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

She never lets me forget this, and I sometimes feel like a freakshow novelty item because of it”

I’m pretty sure this why she finds it insensitive. I’m in the “she’s a crazy bitch” boat. 😀 I’m Chinese and none of FI’s parents or step-parents have ever brought it up, so if one of them wanted to wear Chinese clothes, it would be adorable (though I can guarantee they’d wear the wrong KIND of dress and it would look hilariously out of place), but if I got the impression that they had an issue with my heritage, than I’d find that kind of dress belittling and offensive.

Post # 11
853 posts
Busy bee

What if you took a different approach—kill her with kindness, and mention that you would love for the two families to coordinate in your wedding pictures. You could mention what the others in your bridal party and family will be wearing, and then tell her that you wouldn’t want her to feel like the odd one out.

For what it’s worth, I do think she’s being uncooperative. Customarily, the mother of the bride will pick her dress first, and the mother of the groom then finds something that coordinates with that. You could get your Fiance to mention this bit of etiquette to her as well. 

Post # 12
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m intrigued by the “Chinese jacket.” On the one hand, I can understand how it might be culturally insensitive (as I am Chinese myself). But I can also understand how someone who hasn’t had that much introduction to Asian culture might see it as some kind of homage? I mean, has she said or done anything else that has been overtly offensive to you regarding your culture? (and by offensive, I mean clearly offensive–that’s a different sort of behavior than the type that results from simple ignorance).

And I hate to say it, but PPs are right: your Future Mother-In-Law does not have to help you plan the wedding. It’s a shame she doesn’t want to be involved, but it’s not her responsibility.

Post # 13
853 posts
Busy bee

I think that even when people who are close to you don’t have an ‘obligation’  or a ‘requirement’ to help, share, or discuss the planning of a wedding, not taking an interest is still hurtful (especilly if it’s your Future Mother-In-Law, who is a really important part of your life). That’s why intstead of losing it on her (although I can understand your annoyance), I would approach this situation with a different tactic. If you let her know that she’s important to you, and that you would love to share this time with her, I think maybe she’ll be more inclined to reciprocate. Sometimes people can get their backs up (on both ends), and remember that anger is always a secondary emotion. If you let her know how you really feel, and make her feel important, she might just come around.

Post # 14
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think, given the mixed emotions and reactions to the jacket, that FI’s mom went about it all wrong. If she genuinely did want to wear something ethnic as an acceptance/welcome thing, then she should have probably asked you or Fiance and phrased it like “I’m really interested in learning more about your culture. Would it be inappropriate if I wore this jacket?” That way, it gives you the option of suggest a more appropriate color/pattern or negating/accepting this whole thing altogether.

However, as far as her not helping goes, I think that’s not unusual with the groom’s parents. There are several schools of thought on why this is. One, usually the bride is in charge of planning and picking and as such, she will go to her mom (and not FMIL) for help and guidance. Two, Future Mother-In-Law will rely on her son to relay messages, meetings and ideas to her and wouldn’t think to ask or bother the bride with this and unfortunately, many grooms just don’t think to bring this up. Three, traditionally, the groom’s parents are not involved except to consult regarding clothing colors with the MOB and to pay and host the rehearsal dinner. I’m not saying that she’s not offensive or rude; she very well could be. However, these may be reasons why she is not as involved as your mother is.

At this point, if you hate the jacket that much, I would rely entirely on your Fiance to tell her and insist that she picks something else. You could also buy something and make him give it to her as a gift. I would not recommend that you communicate to her directly as you will just be the bad guy. Your Fiance needs to back you up and talk to his mother. She’ll probably always blame you for anything that goes wrong (mine do) but then for all intents and purposes, it is your Fiance who confronted her and Fiance who is making the stink, not you.

Post # 15
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Gezzz, my grandmother said she will be wearing white and i told my mom to tell her that she shouldnt etiquette wise… There seems to be some underlying issues here (to me)..  do you and your Future Mother-In-Law have a “good” relationship?  or is there always some issue?  She appears to be a very selfish person and certainly does not respect you.  How dare she say there are no “rules”.  it is YOUR wedding, therefore you call the shots!  i would probably either have your fiance talk to her about it more or talk to her yourself and have a sincere heart to heart… good luck

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