(Closed) My 13 year old daughter hates me.

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@mrskisstobe:  If you have a custody arrangement you can call the police because your husband did not return your daughter.

That aside I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, I put my mom through hell at that age and I feel bad about it now but our relationship is great.  I know she got counseling during my teen years to work through it and have someone to talk to.

Hugs!

Post # 4
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Have you guys ever considered family counseling that includes ALL parents. She is playing you and your ex against eachother. You two have to be on the same page about parenting her, what the rules are, what the consequences are, etc. She is testing the boundaries of acceptability, and it is up to all of the adults in her life to both set and enforce those boundaries.

Post # 5
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@mrskisstobe:  Oh my. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like your daughters bio-dad is NOT on the same page with you about parenting her or even wanting the same things character wise. This is SO tough.

Sigh.

Is counseling with everyone together an option? Even if you and him (bio-dad) aren’t together you should be “together” when it come to her.

DS’s bio-dad is the same in regard to making me the bad guy BUT I’ve always been sure to not do the same in return… DS is only 8 though and we’re actually considering having bio-dad’s rights released/revoked so it’ll be a non-issue by the time we get to the teenage years.

Chores & instruction are so important to growing & maturing and he should back you up on that EVEN if things are different at his house he should encourage her to follow your house rules.

I wish I could offer better advice in what steps to take to help smooth things out… I know that around that age it is normal to have some butting of the heads with the same-sex parent but it definitely seems things are more than just butting heads.

On the bright-side I had a TERRIBLE relationship with my mom growing up and I didn’t have nearly the same outside imposed opposition that your daughter has BUT she’s my best friend today and I don’t know what I’d do without her.

She doesn’t hate you… she just doesn’t know how to work through her emotions & what she’s going through. She LOVES YOU, I promise!

(((hugs)))

Post # 6
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mrskisstobe:  i agree with PP.  I also gave my mom the worst time when i was teenager, but never really hated her and also would go with my dad more, cause lest face it dads are suckers for their little girls…try counselling with her father and her…GL and lots of hugs.

Post # 7
Member
5220 posts
Bee Keeper

@mrskisstobe:  First, I’m not a parent… So take this how you will. Secondly- I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Teenage girls can be tough, most of us remember a time when our mom was ” the worst thing EVER”. 

My advice is (1) speak candidly to your ex-husband (?) and lay some ground rules. You both need to stop being friends to these girls and be parents. I’ve read a few of your prior posts, and it seems to be recurring themes: girls don’t get their way… Girls run to dad… Dad runs incorrect interference between the few of you and mass miscommunication ensues. You and her father may not ever agree on anything in this world ever again, but for the sake of the kids involved you REALLY need to come to an agreement on how to parent. 

(2) is to stop trying to be your teenage daughters friend and submit to her every wish, whim, mood change and want. She is the child, you are the parent and whether she ever acknowledges it or not, she is looking at you and what you do very closely. Same with ex, lay some ground rules and STICK TO THEM like your life depends on it. She cries, she begs, she slams doors, tells all her friends you’re awful… It doesn’t matter. Manipulation and a lying nature is learned and is practiced/engrained at such a young age, and that cycle with her needs to stop. In my opinion, it’s time for some tough love. 

I hope it works out for you, sounds like you care an awful lot about her, so I am sure whatever decision you make won’t be easy. 

Post # 8
Hostess
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oh honey, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this! However, she definitely doesn’t hate you! 13 year old girls are 13 year old girls, and they all have no idea how to act/feel. So many changes going on in their lives, and especially with all of the bodily changes there’s just SO much! I know when I was her age, I was hell and then some. I actually did the same thing your daughter did (moved in with my dad, who was an abusive jerk…so wrong move on my part) just to get some time apart.

She’s a teenager, a new one at that. She’s going to make some choices, and you should let her make them. If she feels that she wants to be with her dad right now, then I would consider letting her be there (unless it’s dangerous obviously). If you fight her on it, she may wind up holding a grudge against you.

 

I’m not a parent so I don’t have too much advice except for, let her be a teenager. It won’t be fun, but I’m sure you are a fantastic mother and she loves you even though her emotions are a tornado right now.

Massive ((HUGS))

Post # 9
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mrskisstobe:  Hi. You just described me. I was once like your daughter. Except I was like this toward my dad and would run to my mom. My dad would have done anything for me but he had rules and I would get punished. So what would I do? I would run to my mom and tell her lies and mean things. The cops got called a couple of times. I am so sorry you are going through this. Honestly puts me in tears hearing this because all I can think about is what I did to my dad. Anyways, I am 20 today and let me tell you….my dad and I are closer then ever. He is my hero. If you ever need to PM I can try to help coming from her point of view. Again I am so sorry.

Post # 10
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mrskisstobe:  

Your daughter does NOT hate you. I put my mother through so much hell when I was that age.

However she seems to be pitting your husband and her dad against you by telling them false stories. She may be hurting. I did this often to my dad and stepmother after my parents divorce. I would suggest counseling for you and her.

My mom and I did counseling in my teens. I did NOT want to go at all. So be prepared for some fights. However after several sessions I broke down and they helped me work through the hurt of my father and mother not being together, as well as the anger I had toward both my parents. They also helped me realize that I needed to stop acting like I hated my mom, because in an instant she could be taken away from me.

They also suggested we do twice a month “dates”. We did all kinds of fun and crazy things…midnight movie premires, drove out of town for a weekend, went to the beach frequently, dressed up and went out to tea parties, went shopping… My mom became suddenly not my enemy in my eyes, but more of a mentor and friend.

I hope some of this helps. I really do suggest counseling. Its hard to get teens to go, but it has helped so many relationships.

Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My mum was recently cuddling my niece saying “grandkids are lifes reward for not murdering your offspring when they were teenagers”. All four of us were hell to my parents when we were  teens!

However that probably doesnt help. I think some honest chats need to be had with both the father and your daughter (seperately and together), and possibly even between your husband  and your daughter- heck by saying your husband and your daughter suggests a weak relationship. Chin up, one day you’ll probably be close again GL

Post # 12
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Darcy212:  “grandkids are lifes reward for not murdering your offspring when they were teenagers”


Friggin’ love that!

Post # 13
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree with family counseling. Even one or two sessions will be benefitial for you. If it is possible, include her father. She will be less likely to play the two of you off each other if you can all come clean in one room.

Post # 15
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

First of all I am sorry you are going through his. Secondly I was the same way. At age 12-14 I would back talk and even at times told my mom I hated her. Just typing that makes me tear up because I love my mom so much. She is one of my best friends and I have never hated her, even though I said it.

She does not hate you. She may think she hates you, she may say it but I very much doubt she feels it. What she feels is rage, hormons, anger and selfishness.

You really need to talk to your ex. You two need to be a team and the parenting rules need to apply the same in both house holds. Right now she is playing you both. That has to stop.

Good luck and remember she does not hate you!

Post # 16
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

@mrskisstobe:  Do you have a custody arrangement?  If so, that’s kidnapping.  He has to bring her back.

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