(Closed) My 4 year old has anger outburts,need help nothing seems to work

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
Post # 4
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was a nanny….the key, I would think is to be repetetive and stand your ground. Let him scream in time out and ignore him. And if he gets up and runs off, put him right back. It may take 50 times before he finally sits there, but once he realizes that you won’t let it slide, he’ll begin to realize that its going to waste his time and energy to fight it.

I would also walk away whenever their was a temper tantrum/screaming/yelling, etc. and I would say that I would love to talk to her about [whatever is bothering her] but she would have to use her words. Until she was ready to use her words, I’d be in the other room and I would say “when you are ready to use your words and talk about it, you can come find me, but until then I’m not going to listen to you have a temper tantrum” She learned really quickly.

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Have you gotten any professional advice, like from a behavioral specialist? Seems like the logical next step if it’s gone beyond tantrums into violent outbursts.

Post # 8
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I sent you a PM. I’m a behavior therapist work with kiddos and families with the same issue all day. You’re not blowing this out of the water…behavior is a form of communication, kids do not simply grow out of behavior patterns that aren’t a part of typical development. They need to be taught a replacement behavior (functional communication form). Don’t ignore this, it will not go away…and depending on how it’s dealt with will most likely increase and intensify.

Post # 9
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@NanaluvzGeo:  I’d definitely say this should be addressed sooner rather than later. Not to freak you out, but it can sometimes indicate underlying issues that surface in the forms of outbursts. Could even be as simple as diet or sleep disturbance, but I’d say it’s time to get some help from a children’s behavioral specialist.

Post # 12
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

first, i would get my child evaluated to see if there was anything amiss, such as adhd, asperger’s, develomental disorders, neurological problems, etc.  without additional information, i’m not sure if this will work for you, but this book sure helped me with my son.  it’s about parenting chronically inflexible and explosive children.  the idea is that you pick your battles and only focus on things that are safety related at first. once you get the safety related stuff down, you can start to focus on other things.  here is a link to the book:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/explosive-child-ross-w-greene/1101042528

 this approach helped me alot with my son (now a teen) when he was younger.  it’s hard to ignore a misbehavior but if you focus on everything your child is doing wrong, then your child will have meltdown after meltdown.  ignoring a behavior does not make you weak parent (though others will think you are, but parenting a child like ours is hard, and it’s not just because ‘they’re a brat’) 

another thing i found that helps is to never let your child know what the consequence for an action will be.  our kids will figure out if the misbehavior is ‘worth’ the consequence.  you simply tell them if they do (whatever infraction) there will be a consequence.  if they ask what the consequence is (and they will, so they can decide if it’s worth it), you tell them ‘i’m not sure, but it will be fair.”  my son would ask me this over and over and he would end up making the right choice, because of the fear of the unknown consequence.  if he knew he would miss tv for a week, he would decide if missing tv for a week would be worth taking a toy to school (or whatever else he wanted to do).  once you give a consequence, follow through, but make sure they have a way to earn their way out of whatever mess they got themselves into.  my son would spiral even more out of control if didn’t have an option to earn his provileges back.

i feel for you.  my son is nowhere near a saint now and it’s hard.   good luck.

Post # 14
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

when i say ignore, i don’t mean actively ignore them, just the misbehavior. for example, my son (who was adopted by me at age 8, organic issues, cocaine and herioin addicted at birth, adhd, oppositional defiant disorder) would walk up to me and say he wasn’t going to take a shower.  so i just said, fine, it’s not a requirement that you take a shower, and go on with my task. he would get angry adn say DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID I AM NOT TAKING A SHOWER TONIGHT!. and i would say yes i heard you, it’s not a requirment that you take a shower.  he was looking for a reaction, so when i say ignore, i mean don’t mean ignore, but not give them the reaction that they’re looking for. 

Post # 16
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

my son didn’t spit on me, but when he was angry he would sit in front of me while i was cooking and start spitting on the floor.  i would just look at him and keep cooking.  so he would spit more. and i would just go about my cooking. then he would growl at me and grab a piece of ice out of the fridge, so he could suck on it and make even more spit.  he would keep looking at me to see if it bothered me.   i would just keep cooking.  and look down occasionally.  finally after there was a huge thing of spit on the floor, i casually said ‘when you’re done, you’re gonna clean that up right?” and he SCREAMED (at the top of his lungs) NO I”M GONNA CLEAN IT UP NOW!!!!!!!!!! and then cleaned it up and went to his room.

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