(Closed) My 44year old bf is not ready to take the next step

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He’s not going to marry you. He’s 44, he knows his mind and marriage is not in his future. 

He’s gone for a younger girlfriend because he knows he will get a good few years without marriage nagging. If he dated a woman his own age they would be clear from the start if marriage is important and it prob wouldn’t go past the first date. 

Leave and move on. He will not marry you. 

Post # 3
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
Linda5 :  he’ll only marry you if you don’t fight for 12 months? What are these fights about? Are they about getting married or other general fights? If it’s about marriage, then once a year you bring up marriage and he shoots you down and starts an argument? Why aren’t you allowed a say in your future, why is it all his terms? If this one argument is nothing to do with marriage, he’s delusional. Couples argue. You will argue before you’re married, you will argue when you’re engaged and you will argue after you’re married. You’re lucky you’re arguing once a year. It doesn’t mean your relationship is going to end, it means you have two independent people who are living together and dealing with life together – sometimes that causes arguments.

I think at 44, with 5 years of dating, he should know by now if he wants marriage with you. I don’t think it’s you that he doesn’t want to marry, I think it’s that he probably doesn’t want to get married in general and is feeding you false promises.

Getting married is a discussion for two partners. Both partners get an equal say in their joint future. If you don’t feel like you can discuss your joint future with him and he shuts you down – then he isn’t a partner to you. He doesn’t see you as his equal and your needs and wants are not equal to his. So I think you need to understand whether this relationship is more important to you (in its current format), or whether marriage is more important. Unfortunately it seems to be one or the other.

Post # 4
Member
7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
Linda5 :  I feel like a 44 he knows what he wants. And that is to not get married. 

Post # 5
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

so he is blackmailing you with a “if we don’t fight for 12 months”? if your fight once a year are really bad that you throw things, almost break up, lasts for weeks, include emotional blackmail etc. then I understand but if they are about everyday life things then that’s a ridiculous requirement. then he can do whatever he wants for 12 months and you can’t say anything since you want to get married.

he doesn’t want to get married. either you accept that you will be in a relationship or you move on yo.somwonw who wants marriage.

Post # 6
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

From what I can tell, he’s basically saying that if you’re a good girl for a year, he’ll reward you with marriage, which you want but he doesn’t. I’d be pretty suprised if you don’t fight even once, and I’d be astounded if he actually kept his promise after the year is up. I also think you can do better. You can meet someone who wants to commit to you and doesn’t impose “good behaviour” conditions.

Post # 7
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

So basically you will be on trial for the next year. If he does anything that upsets or bothers you, you have to stay quiet about it because discussing these things with him could lead to a fight, which could lead to him revoking the “prize” of engagement.

This is super manipulative and dysfunctional. A 44 yr old man should have more emotional maturity than this. I would be done.

Post # 8
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m curious as to when your time overseas will be over.  Is he from your home country or is he from the area you’re currently in? Just wondering if you should anticipate a big blow up just in time for you to come home.   

Otherwise, I’d have to agree with Tiffany in that you’re being manipulated and controlled.  Stop letting him waste your time and efforts.  If he wanted to marry you you would know it without question.

Post # 9
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
hedwiginberlin :  “From what I can tell, he’s basically saying that if you’re a good girl for a year, he’ll reward you with marriage, which you want but he doesn’t.”

+1 totally agree with this. 

OP, this guy doesn’t want a wife, he wants a Stepford girlfriend. 

Someone who sees one fight in a year as a barrier to marriage either has highly unrealistic expectations for a relationship (could be why he’s never married at his age) or he simply doesn’t want marriage but is playing a cruel game of ‘well if we don’t get married it’s your fault for not being good enough’. Either way, he doesn’t sound like great boyfriend material, nevermind shitty husband material. 

The age difference alone doesn’t bother me- if you were with a nice older man who didn’t take advantage of your youthful inexperience to make you think the lack of a proposal is your fault and that you need to jump through unattainable hoops to get a proposal, the age difference wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. But a jerk is a jerk at any age, and this guy is definitely in the uber-douche category. Please move on sweetie, you have your whole life ahead of you and there is soooo much better out there than this guy. 

Post # 10
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

There is a reason why this particular guy picked a 20 year old girl: most women his age wouldn’t put up with his manipulative controlling bullshit. 

Post # 11
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

When you’re older, you’ll see how incredibly weird it was for a 39 year old to be interested in a 19 year old. He is not interested in marriage and never will be. Cut your losses, you’re young. 

Post # 12
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

39 year old men who start dating 19 year old girls aren’t looking for marriage. Period.  

 

Bee, you are so very young and have your whole life ahead of you.  Start by dumping this guy and go live your life.  When the time is right, you’ll find a partner who isn’t making you jump through unreasonable hoops (no disagreeing with him for 12 months?! WTF) and dangling an engagement that will NEVER happen as a “reward.” In a truly loving relationship, the love is unconditional.  You’ll have your ups and downs but keep moving forward together.   

Post # 13
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

No, he doesn’t have the “marriage gene”. I heard Jon Hamm use that phrasing about himself. 

I am going to say something that will start a blaze that will encompass me. I am 61, and I am very glad my husband is my age, and not some 81 year old. I went through eldercare issues with my mother, and I would caution you, you don’t want to go through them with a much-older husband. 

If it happens with a husband in your age group, that’s marriage. If you marry a much older man, that’s stupid. He is doing you a favor. Zap him with that one, next fight. “Maybe I don’t want to be changing your diapers when i am 65”

Post # 14
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Windermere, Cumbria

View original reply
Linda5 :  He sounds very controlling. And as PP have said, you’re young. Walk away and get on with your life, bee!

Post # 15
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
Linda5 :  

Oh, gawd.  Not *this* again.

If you behave yourself, you get ice cream!  No, wait.  You get another round of complete, unadulterated bs.

A 44 year old man who has never married needs to be subjected to extra scrutiny.  There is absolutely nothing inherently *wrong* with being a lifelong bachelor.  But, it does go against the norm.  I’d sure want to know his relationship history.

And as for you, my dear.  Stop with the hinting—it’s childish.  

Absolutely no way should you wait around for this guy.

And who the hell fights once a year?  Is this something that gets put on the schedule or a spontaneous eruption of your pent up anger?

 

 

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