(Closed) My 5 year old son doesn't to go on visits with his dad. Help!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Therapy for your son. There MIGHT be things going on that he cannot properly express. Either way, he is having difficulty with the split and it can help him cope. 

Post # 4
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee

 

So you’ve seen your ex hit your son, you’re concerned about your ex’s temper your son acts of character when forced to go to his house….it seems like something is seriously off or something bad could be happening. 

Why does your ex have unsupervised visits when you filed a cps report against him? If he did it front of you, do you think about what he could be doing when there are no other adults around?

Post # 5
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My son is 8 and also has high functioning autism. I am not with his bio dad but I do not allow him to see him. He’s never fought me for visitation and I told him as long as he stays away I will not try to collect child support. So, here we are 8 years later and my husband is my sons dad in every other sense of the word. His bio dad is bat shit and he would take my son off with him over my dead cold body. I don’t trust him, he is abusive.

Anyway, I say all that to let you know we have a similar background so I sort of know where you’re coming from. I don’t think you should be forcing your son to go with his dad at all, I think this is damaging with the details you mentioned about dads temper along with your sons condition. It doesn’t sound like dad would even be all that bothered anyway. Could you pull back on the visits and perhaps have dad come over to your place for smaller visits? I just don’t think stressing your son out is beneficial to his well being. And what happens when your son accidentally hurts dad again and you aren’t there to check his temper? Hell no.

 

Post # 7
Member
7780 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
mrsbrizz2017 :  Oh, boy. I feel for you. And your son.

Based on your description I’ll assume your son thrives on routine. And he’s not getting that from a man who cancels last-minute. He may benefit from a more limited but more likely schedule (once a week?) 

Hopefully all the people working with your son are aware of your family history, including the violent response that caused you to leave your ex, and will alert you to any concerns expressed by your son. If not–inform them.

Does your ex have any understanding of your son’s specific needs and how to address them? Is he willing to learn?

Post # 10
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

When I was a kid, I didn’t want to go see my dad because he was mean to me. He would make fun of me and always put me down. I was always sad around him and miserable when I was made to see him. My mom didn’t make me go after a few months even though it was court ordered. I was old enough to tell her. Unfortunately, your son isn’t. 

I think you need to go with your gut. Listen to your son. If he’s upset, let his dad come over to YOUR place to visit or meet in a neutral area so you can still be there. 

Post # 11
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Would it be possible to approach a lawyer with your observations, as well as recommendations from your son’s therapists, to try and get a mandated schedule put in place (eg his father has him every second weekend)? I second PPs who have mentioned that children with ADHD or ASD thrive on routine and clear expectations. If his father is constantly changing the visitation dates, and if there are not clear behavioural expectations in place at his house like there are in yours, the resulting confusion can lead to high anxiety and acting out in children with these conditions. 

Post # 12
Member
9520 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my brother has spina bidifa.  when my parents divorced, my dad took my brother on thursdays (me if i was home or felt like going, i was older).

days when he came back from my dad’s, his behavior was always awful to my mother.  he couldn’t control his anger.  our dad was not reliable, would cancel a lot, etc.  but my brother always had perfect behavior and took it out on my mom.

your son is still young and with autism, he needs routine. 

Post # 13
Member
4378 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
mrsbrizz2017 :  I would like to gently recommend this “community” as a resource for you. The first link is Jess’s blog where you can pose your question on the Community Support Page, and the second is her Facebook page, which is a wonderful community of autistics, parents, and others.

https://adiaryofamom.com

https://m.facebook.com/Diary-of-a-Mom-310066991936/

The most important thing I have learned from the DOAM community is behavior is communication. I think your child is communicating loud and clear. 

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