- 5 years ago
I haven’t been on for a while, mainly because I have been trying to sort my personal and professional life out.
A year ago, I wrote these two threads:
I was with my boyfriend for 7.5 years, and for those last two and a half years, I felt as though the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. Routines were the same, and things got boring. I tried to make things special, but if it’s only one sided, it’s really hard to keep it up. To be honest, it was also my fault on not being able to communicate my needs, but at the same time, I really felt like “he is who he is, and I can’t change that”. I began to pick out a lot of differences between us (e.g. how family is and always will be a priority for me, how I am so type A but I also need someone that would be able to take control too sometimes and responsibilities don’t have to fall on only me).
Then the cruise happened. Our 7 years anniversary happened. All three of his first cousin got engaged. My friends got engaged. Things stayed the same for us. Nothing changed. Then the breaking point was on our NYC trip.
We went with our two good friends who have been together for 5 years. The couple always held hands, and he always helped her, and me (e.g. when we got lost, he would be the one to ask people for help). Then I began to realize that my boyfriend wouldn’t take initiative, and was basically “just there”. While I was cold, my friend’s boyfriend offered to trade me spots (while my own boyfriend just sat there). While we were waiting for our baggage to come off the bus, my friend’s boyfriend spotted mine and took it off the bus for me (while my own boyfriend just stood there). I began to realized, that I need all those things. I need to be able to feel as though I can be taken care of too. Yes. Type A me, needs to feel as though I don’t always have to do everything myself.
My boyfriend had always been there for me, to support me, and let me cry on his shoulder. When I was sick, he would always bring be soup and tuck me in. He has always been kind to me and loved me. But it wasn’t until that NYC trip that made me feel as though I really need more then just “someone who can be there for me”. We are so different, have different drives in life, and have different outlooks. I sat him down after our trip and told him how I felt. I didn’t want to be the bread winner, the mother, the maid, and the wife all at the same time. I wanted a partnership. I want someone who would do things for me, without me asking him to. I am already a teacher by day, and don’t want to come home and continue telling people what to do. We worked on our relationship for about a month, but my heart wasn’t there anymore. I was tired. I was disappointed. Everything he did at that point felt forced – like he only did things because I asked him to.
I always believed that if men don’t do certain things now, they will definitely won’t do it when they are married.
I broke up with my best friend, my boyfriend of 7.5 years, a few months ago. I wasn’t sure, and I am still not sure, if I made the right choice, but I needed to leave the relationship. I was beginning to resent him for not making a change in our relationship. I know that he is such a great boyfriend, but I just needed more. I felt, and still feel, very ungrateful, but I felt like I needed a change – I want to move on with my life, and honestly, with him in my life, I really felt like I couldn’t.
I know the reasons why I broke up with him aren’t that huge compare to abuse, or being cheated on. But there was just this nagging feeling, a feeling of just being “content” and not entirely “happy” – I hope you know what I mean.
Over the summer, I tried different things, experienced life, and yes, I can say that I am happier. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. I still feel a little “empty” inside.
I realized today, that I am scared of commitment now. I was with someone for almost 8 years, and yes, that had brought me a lot of great experiences, and has made me who I am today, but when it comes down to it, it ended up with nothing.
“Love is patient” – yes I know it is, but I’m scared to be in a new relationship now. If things won’t work out again, then that’s more time (for the lack of a better work) – wasted. I am so ready to settle down, to buy a house, to get married, and have children.
Just scary how one choice can change your whole life, but whatever the decision is, there’s always a reason for why it happened.
I just wanted to share how I have been feeling lately with you guys.
Thanks for reading.