My 8 year relationship

posted 1 month ago in Beehive
Post # 2
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He is not worth staying with!!! If you marry him, you will just get more of the same. Is that how you want to live your whole life??? It is never ok to call people names or demean them during an argument. He is emotionally abusive. 

Post # 3
Member
4008 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He’s gaslighting you. He’s terrible at communication and yells at you when you do communicate. What exactly are you getting out of this relatuonship? He’s holding marriage over your head like you have to “earn” it. Boy bye.

Post # 4
Member
1959 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Due to struggles in my own life with my sister and grandparents, my radar for narcissism is like on an all-time high. When I first started reading this, I was immediately on the path that labeled this man as a narcissist, but the further I got, the more I think he isn’t one. Rather, I think he is just your typical, run-of-the-mill gaslighter. 

Gaslighting and narcissism are really different. Narcissists are power-hungry, always seeking control. They use gaslighting as a METHOD to get what they want (and burn bridges without caring about who is on them), but I don’t think that is your man’s purpose for his gaslighting. He doesn’t seem to be lying to you right-out and then blackmailing you. He isn’t going out of his way to actively emotionally abuse you (because it seems he only gets emotionally abusive after you start a conversation – the emotional abuse comes from his LACK of doing ANYTHING).

I honestly think he is gaslighting you purely to hold you at arm’s length. Not closer than arm’s length, because then you get too cozy with him and he hates that, but DEFINITELY not FURTHER than arm’s length either, because he clearly likes the idea of having someone by his side. 

But taking care of that someone is just too much effort for him. If he had proposed to you on his own, without you bugging him, I would reevaluate the situation here. But he has done nothing, absolutely nothing from what I’ve read here, to show that he wants to go out of his way to show his love for you. 

I would not marry him. 

Post # 5
Member
6978 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

A relationship shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be a roller coaster of emotions and hardship. That’s not healthy. 

Don’t marry him. Don’t even continue dating him. 

Post # 6
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You deserve better. Don’t waste any more time.

Post # 7
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

This is a toxic relationship that needs to end. You will not have a happy marriage with him. Cut your losses and move on from him. 

Post # 9
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

You are in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Leave. 

Post # 10
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@nathalie1111:  I know you love him but it sounds pretty one-sided. You’d be better off with someone else. Eight years is already a lot of time to spend on this. 

Post # 11
Member
4196 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

View original reply
@nathalie1111:  I’m sorry you’re just seeing him for who he is now OP! Better to leave after 8 years than 16 years. You don’t have to settle for less than you deserve just because you have put up with it for so long. You deserve a partner who listens to your concerns and validates your feelings. Not someone who makes you “earn” the right to marry them by keeping the peace and not rocking the boat. Do you simply want someone to call your husband, or do you want someone who also ACTS like your husband. If you want a partner and someone who respects you, I’m really sorry to say OP, you will have to find someone other than this guy. best of luck to you!

 

Post # 12
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@nathalie1111:  Think of 8 years as being too long to NOT leave. You don’t want to waste anymore time on this because down the line you will regret it. 

Post # 13
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@nathalie1111:  Wait….what?  Do you actually see any logic in that argument?  ‘Well, I’ve already spent 8 years this way, so I may as well spend the next 50 just as miserable…’. 
Snap out of it!

Please think more of yourself than to spend one more second with someone who, after EIGHT years (!!), isn’t sure if you’re the one he wants to spend his life with. 

There are some amazing people, places and things out there – go live a life that makes you smile, with people who appreciate you.  Why wouldn’t you think you deserved that?  Don’t rob yourself of that because you feel obligated to someone who feels no obligation towards you. 

Post # 14
Member
6978 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
@nathalie1111:  At least it’s only been 8 years. Imagine how miserable you’ll be looking back on this if you stick around for a whole lifetime of this toxic and abusive behavior! 

I don’t know how old you are but the rest of your life can start RIGHT NOW. Get out of this horrible relationship and look towards your bright future! 

Post # 15
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

View original reply
@nathalie1111:  Look up the sunk cost fallacy. That will answer your question of whether it’s too long to leave. 

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