My 8 year relationship

posted 4 weeks ago in Beehive
Post # 16
Member
517 posts
Busy bee

Oh my… My ex husband was like this. It was always my fault. If only I would not ever bring up any issue ever and let him live like he’s single, which is what your fiance is doing- he’s living like he’s single with zero accountability for the relationship, then everything would be peachy. If only I stopped complaining, if only I didn’t say x, y, z. And then your fiance going off and not being able to give a clear answer about when he’ll be back home. 

The only reason why you’re still with him is because of the little itty bitty breadcrumbs he may occasionally toss your way. Had a nice weekend or a nice night? Breadcrumbs. Doesn’t mean everything is rosy. 

In all honesty, you shouldn’t be with this guy. Flat out. He will never love you and care for you the way you deserve.

Now he’s not wanting to talk about the wedding because of all your complaining! Yeah? Well you wouldn’t complain if he were more IN this relationship with you. He’s not the one. 8 years- do not get hung up on how long. I’d get out now. I waited almost 12 to finally wise up. He will never, ever change. Even if you two were to get married, it will NEVER be smooth sailing. He will always drag his feet. He will always blame you for his inability to fully commit to decisions, the future, etc. and blame you for why he can’t be in this relationship 100%.

Post # 17
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@nathalie1111:  You’re right, this kind of thinking (“stupid thing that sitting in my head called “too long to leave”. 8 years. 8 years….”) is stupid. That’s how you got to 8 years, and that’s how 8 years turns into 16, and that’s how you get older as you watch your life pass by, while you’re stuck in a miserable relationship. 

Post # 18
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee

Too many women fall into the trap of suffering the constant and crushing “lows” just waiting for those few “highs” (which are not highs at all, but actually the normality of respect and caring that a real partnership should have). These women have the misguided thought pattern that those rare good times somehow balance all those soul destroying “lows” out.

Go. 8 years is enough of this. Find someone who will show you what love, respect and support is really all about.

 

Post # 19
Member
618 posts
Busy bee

“What you tolerate now will be the reason you divorce later.” Anyone who tells you you’re annoying; don’t make him change his mind; he doesn’t know if he can put up with you until he dies…girl he is plainly telling you he does not love or value you. He is a jerk. And I know you’ve spent 8 years with him and may not want to waste that. It’s not a waste. To spend one more minute with him IS a waste. He does not love you. I know you love him but please see this for what it is. Marriage only makes things worse when you have problems like this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being emotionally and verbally abused? Do you recognize that this is an emotionally abusive relationship? Because it is. Please leave. Like today. 

Post # 20
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2021

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@nathalie1111:  

Firstly I have to agree with people that this relationship is toxic and unhealthy and he’s not likely to change. Do you really want that for the rest of your life?

What I wanted to add was that 8 years is not too long to escape from a bad relationship. My last relationship lasted about 6 years, most of the time living together. My partner was with his ex for 11 years and lived together for five before breaking up. Our break ups happened at the same time and we started talking about four months later.

You can get out and you can find an actually good relationship.

Post # 21
Member
2089 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Oh sweet bee, I may not know you but I do know that you deserve better. Cut ties with this person and know that this relationship only served to show you what you don’t want in future healthy relationships. I know it must seem so hard right now, but you will feel much better and stronger for it. *Hugs*

Post # 22
Member
9983 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@nathalie1111:  

l know it is hard to leave after several years, and it is easier to romanticise and exaggerate the good times to yourself…..but any man who uses the dread phrase ” if you hadn’t done xyz, then l wouldn’t have had to shout / yell/ punish etc” is NOT a man to stay with. Of all the red flags to an escalating abusive relationship, this is the one that l fear for you most. 

Post # 23
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

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@nathalie1111:  8 years is better than 20 years. Well, it’s even better than spending 10 years with a person who does not treat you right. You deserve better, so much better. The man that can’t wait to marry you and will do everything to make you happy is out there. Don’t waste any more time with a person makes you feel miserable. 

Post # 24
Member
840 posts
Busy bee

Bee, you are in a bad relationship.. im lost at the fact that you would want marriage with a person like him. Do you guys shack in the same place of residence?? If so, hes using you for finances reasons, giving you warning signs to move out.. if not, hes giving you warning signs to break up.. after 8 yrs he cant stand you, hes sick of you, he yells at You, he doesnt want to come home to you even being long distance you annoy him,he gaslighted you with your proposal, he wont propose, he claims that he isnt sure about marrying you (no he doesnt want to marry you). Sorry beebut please Do yourself and this jerk a favor and carry on without him in your life. He is never going to marry you. I dont even know you but would hate for a sweet sounding person to be married to a nondeserving clown. I dont intend for that to sound harsh but to encourage you to get some self esteem . Even if its the route of counseling , it’ll be for your  own good. Goodluck

Post # 25
Member
9101 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@nathalie1111:  ““too long to leave”. 8 years. 8 years” This is called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Look it up and see why it’s a losing proposition. I bet you knew this was a dead end 3 years ago but you said “but I’ve put 5 years into this, I have to make it work.” Do you know what’s worse than spending 8 years with a meanie who deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself and blames you for his own failings? 9 years. 10 years. 20 years. Those are worse. He’s not going to change. He has given you absolutely no reason to think that he might change. If you don’t like how you feel with him, you can’t change him, you can only change whether you’re with him. Also, I don’t believe it’s a roller coaster. How happy are the “super happy” days? I suspect it’s more like “he didn’t make me feel like a piece of shit so today is a good day.” When is the last time HE caused you to feel respected, appreciated, and cherished? Dump this jackass before you’re saying “10 years… 10 years”.

Post # 26
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

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@nathalie1111:  he doesn’t sound like a person you should be marrying for the rest of your life! Please listen to all of the comments and advises here, its better you get out now, i know it sounds scary after being 8 years together! But do not waste anymore time with this guy, red flags everywhere! You deserve at least the respect towards another human being, which he has zero for you, im so sorry if this is painful to hear, but I believe you already know whats the right thing to do!

Post # 27
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2021

Honey, you sound like a beautiful, young woman, inside and out.  You must learn to love yourself more than you love him.  I would take everyone’s advice — don’t marry him.  You should get counseling to understand why you feel it’s okay for you to take all of his negative behavior.  Do you think that loving him will make him better?  It won’t (I learned the hard way from experience).  Tell him plainly that you think that the two of you have “come to an en passe in life” and must evaluate what you want to do next:  maybe go on to college, change your career, get your own place (whatever it is you need to focus on) and that you need a break from the relationship.  Above, all go to counseling so that your therapist can help you make a plan, focus on yourself for a change and continue on to a brighter future.  Putting this man first will only mean destruction to your own life and happiness.  God speed, my lovely!

Post # 29
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Nathalie 1111, you’re darn right leaving him will be the best decision you ever made!!  It does not matter one little bit that you love him, or believe you love him…he is a jerk and an asshole and an abusive slob.   Loving him is not enough, and trust me, HE CERTAINLY DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

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