Post # 1
This is a sensitive subject… Need serious bee support!! It’s taken a whole lot of ‘balls’ to be able to state this publicly….
So yes, it did actually happen. Not recently but almost 2 years ago. (On my b’day. Ugh!!!) I had gotten an abortion performed the day I turned 27. It was a very tiny pregnancy. I.e 4-6 weeks.
I was not ready for a kid at the time. I was both financially and emotionally unreliable. And also had my drinking/partying lifestyle so when I did get pregnant, didn’t even realize that I WAS pregnant so never stopped the drinking obviously.
Now I am in a far better position both financially and emotionally. And I feel ‘ready’ for a kid now. However now I am waiting until after I am married. The marriage happens in Summer 2011.
My issue is that for the 1st year of the abortion, I was okay. The 2nd year and beyond I feel progressively WORSE! Instead of getting ‘over’ it, I am feeling more and more horrible. I cannot help but think that I will never be able to have a child again. I obviously haven’t tried. (And we are not on B.C. We are just using condoms. And still pulling out even with the condoms!) But I feel so FREAKED OUT all the time. I have obviously repented profusely, both at church and at home. (Not in confession though!)
Has anyone every gone through this feeling? Or know someone who has been able to conceive successfully after having an abortion in their late 20s? I don’t know how to shake this feeling off that I will ‘never’ be able to give birth. That’s such a SCARY thought at this point and the worst part is that we won’t even try until after the wedding.
Post # 3
I can’t even begin to tell you that I know how you feel, b/c I don’t. I’ve never been through anything you’ve mentioned above, and I don’t know pesonally anyone who has been. But, I would think that this is something that doesn’t just go away.
Does your Fiance know that this happened? If not, coming clean to him might help you release some of the pain you’ve held onto for so long. Also, talking to a counselor will really help you. This is something hugely emotional that shouldn’t be taken lightly, or alone. Talking to someone will help you to release your fears and fully accept the decison you made.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re going through this. *hug*
The decision to end a pregnancy is difficult, and I think it’s only natural that it will take some time to fully process what it means to you, even if you are confident that it was, for you, the right decision.
Have you spoken to a counselor or to a medical doctor about your concerns? Either one may be able to reassure you that your history will not impact your ability to have children in the future.
Post # 5
not being able to have a baby after an abortion is a really scary thought 🙁
I know this girl in h.s. who had an abortion and now several years later she is pregnant again and it sounds like her pregnancy is moving along really well. I am so sorry you have those fears 🙁 Lots of hugs sent to you!
Post # 6
It sounds like maybe you should seek out an abortion support group or forum. You seem to have a lot of left over emotions and fears.
If you’re Catholic (which it sounds like you are) Project Rachel operates in every state and is an abortion support group that is run by the Catholic church.
As for a forum group, a simple google search would turn up a bunch of groups of women who may have had a similar experience to yours. They would probably be better able to answer your questions and concerns than the women here.
I am very sorry that you are going through what you are. I sincerely hope that you can find some peace and move past this. Good luck.
Edited to add: Here’s the # for Project Rachel from the Toronto Archdiocese website, Project Rachel – Post Abortion healing ministry – 1-888-355-1110
Post # 7
I am sorry that you are going through this. I don’t think there is any medical reason why you won’t be able to give birth after having terminated a pregnancy. You should look into counseling and/or support groups in your area to help you work through this.
Post # 8
Hi. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
My bestie had an abortion four years ago. She actually didn’t want to but was really coerced by the guy that had gotten her pregnant. So she had a lot of negative feelings aftewards for a couple of years.
She had gone to her doctor, her obgyn doctor, for her checkup and broke down crying wondering if she was going to have problems in the future. Her doctor assured her that a chance, if any, of abortion affecting fertility was very small and she has gone on to have two little ones that are completly loved because they have two parents that really love and wanted them 🙂
It’s hard to find good info online because there are a lot of sham sites in either direction of the issue that post blatant lies if you just search for an answer. This is a reputable hospital that has one of the best children’s and infants departments in the country and their response to the question:
Post # 9
please go talk to a therapist for the emotional issues you mentioned and an ob/gyn to talk about your chances of conceiving again.
Post # 10
There is a wonderful organization called Project Rachel here that offers so much hope! The opening screen makes a very wise statement: “it is normal to grieve a pregnancy loss, including a loss due to abortion.” You are NOT alone. If going to confession is something you are comfortable with, it might help. Because your feelings are getting worse over time it might be a good idea to get some counseling and/or spiritual direction with this.
I have heard of many women who struggle after an abortion to conceive. However most of them did eventually conceive. Having an abortion messes up your hormones (your body was putting out “I’m pregnant” hormones and suddenly there is no pregnancy there, so it thinks to itself, huh what happened?) However eventually your body should go back to normal hormonally. After a couple years you should be OK.
I will come out and say my mother had an abortion at around your age, she was married a little while after and she was unable to concieve for six years. It was very hard for her and she had a lot of regrets. But she has four children now. She deeply regreted her choice and she continues to go to counseling (secular). Unfortunately abortion is often presented as an easy way out or a way to preserve the status quo, when really, life is never the same after conceiving a baby, whether you carry to term or not. Given how abortion has affected my own family I feel so much for you!!! Feel free to PM if you ever need to talk!!
Post # 11
As someone who can relate, I will say: Statistically, it is very, very unlikely you will not conceive. Having an abortion doesn’t effect your ability to do so. my doctor sat down and explained all of the ins and outs of the stats. Abortion is about an order of magnitude safer than carrying a pregnancy to term. Complications are very much in the minority, and I question the PP’s claim that she knows “many” women with complications. It takes the average woman 6 months-year to conceive, which changes with age. Perhaps people see not getting pregnant in the first couple of months as “complications” from the abortion.
Whether or not you do have a child, that pregnancy was not right, and so you should try and move on. You would never know whether that pregnancy actually would have made it to full term – many don’t. You don’t know if the baby would have had severe defects due to the heavy drinking.
All you can do now is make a conscious choice to try when you ARE prepared, and trust your body.
You should definitely go and talk to your OB/GYN and a therapist.
Also, condoms are only 85-90% effective using them perfectly, and pulling out can actually cause leakage if not timed correctly. I would add either BC pills or spermicidal gel to the mix. It’ll give you a lot better peace of mind (spoken from someone who got pregnant taking the pill perfectly – if I can get pregnant with a 1% chance, there’s no way i’d risk 10-15%!!!).
Just know that there’s a large – millions-strong – community that support you and understand. **hugs** Many, many, many of us regret nothing – myself and my husband included.
Be aware of people you are seeking advice from – many skew data of misrepresent things to their advantage. Rely on real medical studies you discover from independent sources if at all possible.
Post # 12
Hi! Sorry to refute what you’re saying here, but fluctuating hormones have nothing to do with being able to/having difficulty concieving after abortion. It’s the same hormones you have if you miscarry, and there is no difficulty normally after that, either. Our hormones are a very complicated system and don’t get ‘confused’ they just react, without emotion. Just mentioning that as a Bio major so that no one took that as fact 🙂
OP – as I said earlier and another poster mentioned, you should trust objective scientific sites or well known medical sites for that kind of medical information. I also think it would be a great idea to get counseling.
Post # 13
You do have a lot of guts to admit something that is such a sensitive topic. Almost a million women a year have an abortion– so you are certainly not alone here on the ‘Bee or in “real life”.
There is no medical reason that I know of that you wouldn’t be able to conceive after an abortion, especially after this period of time.
Choosing to have an abortion is a huge, life changing decision. It is a hard decision to make, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the right choice for you to make – only you can decide that. You should feel free to mourn your loss, and to know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are valid, and that you are in no way a “bad person”.
I would suggest perhaps calling a Planned Parenthood office, or a local hospital and seeing if they can suggest a therapist who deals with issues surrounding the loss of a pregnancy.
Be good to yourself – stop beating yourself up. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.
Post # 14
@Sasha2011: You’re going to be alright reproductively–since it’s been two years, I’m sure you’ll be able to conceive. I think, though, you may need some counseling and zippylef and magdaleana gave a great resource. You need to know that once you feel regret and have repented, you are forgiven and part of that process if forgiving yourself (which I have trouble with). Hopefully you’ll eventually feel comfortable enough to go to a priest for confession, if not, I’d say counseling. ((((HUGS)))))
Post # 15
Thank you so muchhhhhh bees! That helps a lot to read all those comments. (Yep, my eyes welled up!) I will definitely look for forums online and see how other women are coping with this.
I will definitely check out Project Rachel. (Thank you ‘zippy’ and ‘magdalena’). I picked up a phamplet from church a while back but never did bother to do anything about it because I didn’t have anyone to ‘take’ me. I feel lonely calling or going there by myself. I don’t have many friends in the Toronto area. I had grown up in the States and all my friends are still back there. I moved here a few years ago but didn’t really make any. Had a few that just drifted away with their lives and kids. (They all married earlier than me so we slowly had less and less in common and less time to spend with each other.) Sorry went off on a tangent there.
My Fiance was part of the decision. He knew we were both not ‘ready’ from any angle.
Actually he is the Catholic one in this relationship, I am not but we go to his church regularly together. It was really hard on him as well but he is good at hiding his emotions. He actually cried after the fact. Never seen him cry before! That happened much laterrrrrrr after almost a year when he saw ME breaking down first. So I am not too keen on taking him with me to see a counselor. He will only serve to make me weaker.
Thanks for the site ‘luckyprincess’. Yes that does answer my question. I had the surgical kind. The pills were not even an option provide to me.
My doctor knows about the abortion. She just mentioned not to wait too long to have kids. She didn’t say that there are any dangers associated. I think the issue is mostly psychological in my case than physical. Ugh!!! Can’t help but feel bummed out.
Will the ob/gyn be able to tell me something more than what the doctor said by doing some tests? I haven’t had an ob/gyn appointment yet because I was just not sure if that is anymore helpful.
Post # 16
First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. But like many other bees have already said, these are normal feelings to have and you are not alone.*HUGS*
If I were you, I would absolutely see an OB/GYN. They’re specialists afterall.