(Closed) My anxiety is ruining my relationship. Please help.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

While I agree with some posters that you should not be blamed for having a mental disorder, it is solely your responsibly to seek treatment to manage that disorder. . If you were diabetic and falling into comas, would it be his job to bring you to th doctor over and over even if you resisted help? No, and he would likely become resentful as a result of having to parent you. 

I say this as someone who has been to many therapists and been on a variety of meds for depression and PTSD.  For a long time j went through a bunch of therapists vecause none of them “helped” after 6 months. It was only when I really got serious and started working on my recovery that things are slowwwwly starting to improve. That includes an  hour of therapy a week and multiple “homework” assignments from my psych (mostly aversion therapy to curb anxiety.) 

My Fiance has been incredibly supportive and is actually paying for ny treatment so I could see someone I liked, and he has offered to go to couples therapy with me but we don’t need it at this time. Once we both realized and accepted that it wasn’t his job to make me better, we were able to move forward as a couple and I was able to comfortably move forward myself. 

I would also recommend checking out different types of therapy.  There are a lot of options outside if the currently-trendy CBT. I see someone who specializes in EFT and it’s been much better for me personally. 

Post # 48
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel you sister.  My wedding is a month away and I am a hot mess. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time or the funds for extensive therapy or to write in a journal. Get a few temporary also known as a prns for anxiety such as xanax while you titrate up to a low dose anti anxiety for intended daily use like zoloft.  Your brain only has certain amounts of stress it can handle before it will stop helping you along the way. The excessive amounts of cortisol that are released in reaction to your bodies fight or flight  system (which anxiety is a syptom of) can be very damaging to your body. It isn’t just the syptoms you need to treat but to avoid being triggered all together.  Some people are just natural worriers and more prone to anxiety.

 

Post # 49
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@newcitylights:  

I think your title is inaccurate. I don’t think your anxiety is ruining your relationship at all. I think it is an added complexity to your relationship, but not ruining it. The fact is your Fiance needs to learn how to handle your anxiety.

Personally, I have a history of panic attacks and experience some mild to moderate anxiety regularly. My anxiety is hugely affected by how people interact with me. If someone is stressed out, yelling at me, ignoring me, or something else negative I get much more ‘keyed up’, upset, anxious, etc. If Fiance listens, talks to me calmly, is understanding, or something else positive, I calm much more quickly and easily and often the anxiety is squashed.

Anxiety or not, him ignoring you is not a healthy way to handle things. Regardless of GAD, he needs to figure out a way to communicate and work with you in a way that works for you and your relationship.

Post # 50
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t have much experience with this, but I had a thought that might help:

Perhaps you need to make a pact with your Fiance. He will NOT ask you “what’s wrong/are you ok” and you WILL come to him when there is a real problem. 

That way you can be upset/worry about something which isn’t rational to worry about at that moment and then move through it yourself. Then your Fiance won’t feel so inadequate during these times. 

BUT when there is a REAL problem you will come to him immediately and he will promise to work through that problem with you and speak normally.

This way he doesn’t get overloaded with your worries and your worries don’t get blown up by having to try and explain them to your Fiance. 

 

I hope that makes sense :/

Post # 52
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@newcitylights:  When you mentioned the Blackhawks thing and how you see things and instantly link to his past, I hear ya…  There are books I have refused to read thanks to my seeing him and some girl he liked for a bit talking about said books on FB…  But I am trying to be better about stuff like this and told Fiance I will try and read one of these books this summer since I am looking for stuff to read and he seems to enjoy these a lot (and has told me there is no link to her with them, he just enjoys the books).

Post # 53
Member
2656 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@newcitylights:  Hi! I read through your posts but very little of everyone else’s. First of all, if you are not happy with therapist change. I was in a very bad place and needed help fast. I went to see someone for one session and felt worse after… My friend made find another one ASAP! Best thing ever!!

Secondly, you mention that things go around and around in your head. I get the impression that it’s the same stuff and that the actualproblems in your relationship are fairly minor (correct me if I’m wrong). If this is the case then maybe the key is in finding strategies to cope with your GAD. I think someone mentioned Mindfullness. Also other types of meditation and cds to aid sleep. You are already doing the right thing re exercise. That was one of the first things recommended to me. I reckon exercise can be more effective than meds in many cases. Lastly, I notice a few mentioned about your FH being insensitive, it’s easy to say/think that but when someone is dealing with something day to day it’s very different than hearing a situation for the first time. Hes human and we all have flaws!

 

Post # 54
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have GAD too. It’s pretty well managed, but I went through a rough bout last year. My SO and I went to counseling and learned ways for both of us to handle it. Now my SO knows exactly how to respond to me when I have a freak out – it really helped. Good luck!! 

Post # 55
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I think you should consider seeing a psychologist or social worker qualified in CBT therapy.

You may also benefit from getting the book Mind over Mood.

Post # 56
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Whether or not he triggers your anxiety, it’s still your anxiety, and you are the one who will have to work with it. He can be made aware of what he is doing, but you are the one who controls how you react to the stimulus you receive. You might not feel that way, but it’s true.

Your anxiety is probably hard for him to deal with simply because he doesn’t understand it. My husband is a nurse practitioner and he still doesn’t GET it. It’s foreign to him, and extremely difficult for him to watch me deal with. Before we got engaged, he gave me an ultimatum to get help for myself. I’m glad he did.

It will probably help for your fiance to learn to use mirroring language or better acknowledge your feelings. That would be him saying, “I hear that you are telling me you’re upset that I don’t want to wear a ring after we’re married” (or whatever). He is probably overwhelmed by your emotional response and shutting down. Recognizing and validating each others emotions would be a very helpful exercise for both of you.

I am speaking as someone who has GAD, and has had major depressive disorder. I’ve seen numerous therapists and, for me, a SSRI helped get my anxiety under control. During a period of severe panic attacks, taking benzos PRN helped a lot as well, although this isn’t a good solution (or a safe one) for many people.

If you’d like a method of dealing with your intrusive anxious thoughts, you will have to learn to sit with them and become more familiar with them. I recommend minfulness awareness meditation almost more than I recommend meds/therapy. For me, getting to know my mind and hold my thoughts more gently (letting them go as opposed to clinging to them and letting them drag me down) has been the most effective tactic I have learned. I recommend the book Turning the Mind into an Ally as a good place to start.

Post # 57
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years it will be 2 years in febuary. I would have to say maybe about 6 months into our relationship i started getting very edgey with things and snap on him for no reason or just randomly mention things from his past and just upset myself over things that i dont reaslly need to bring up. I mainly talk about all the things that he’s done in the past that has really upset me and when i mention it obviously he gets upset. But ever since he did those few things in the past i cant get my self to trust him again so i just always bring those things up or give him crap for looking at other girls or talking flirty with them ( which i think is a good reason to get upset ). But everytime i mention anything that i dont like him doing he gets super pissed off and usually eathier just ignores what im saying or will walk out on our conversation that will be having. Ive never gone to a doctor to see if i have anxiety but it does run in my family a couple of my sibilings have it as well as my mom. Could all this just be anxiety or is it just being controlling ? I need to know . I get scaraed sometimes at how mad i get at him . At times i feel like hitting him because i get that upset . Ive never hit him though ive always just taken it out on myself or on things around me like walls or if im in the car i start throwing things an hitting it. The reason i havent gone to see a doctor yet is because i dont know if it just might be me not having trust with him. Ive read the symptoms of anxiety and seem to have pretty much all the symptoms . Clammy hands being late for things due to procastinating constantly over thinking WHICH I DO ALOT OF ! I always think that something is going to happen that hes going to hurt me in some way emotionally by doing stuff behind my back or if he goes out alone with his friends i automatically think hes gonna get drunk and just not give a crap and have FUN ! Hes never cheated on me but he has done a few things behind my back that i told him ahead that i didnt like . CAN SOMEONE JUST PLEASE TRY AND HELP ME BY GIVING ME SOME SUGGESTIONS !! I love this guy too death ! He’s SOOO nice when were not fighting . But i havent been able to see that part of him in along time because we are constantly always fighting over and over ! Its gets so fustrating. I just cant handle being stressed and worrying about him doing stuff or hurting me allllll the time . When he goes to work i worry when he goes to his friends house i worry when hes around ANY girls i worry . Pretty much anything that has to do with girls i have a problem with . Besdies that everything is perfect . We have a good sex life we still laugh at times and make funny jokes with eachother we’ll play around in bed tickling eachother and just having fun and being a COUPLE . I feel like im going to ruin all of that if i dont get help now . I was thinking of a coucilor but figured i would try this out first and go from there. Please, anyone who think they can help I would greatly appreciate a reply back from you ASAP. Also would there be a medication for me to go on for this ? If so how does the process work to do so ?

Post # 57
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

tallierand:  I too am going through relationship anxiety. I would love some encouragement

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