(Closed) My apologies to encore brides

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 77
Member
47280 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

People- she apologized! The gracious and mature thing to do for those of you who were offended is to accept the apology. Period.

Post # 79
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@babymilka74: From your original post … “My curiosity sprung from the fact that for me right now the idea seems like something I would never do.”

I will be completely honest and say I did not read every single one of the posts from the original posting nor have I read all of these but I would like to respond to this one. I agree with many people that your question comes from sheer curiosity so I hope I can explain it…from my perspective at least.

For me, this wedding is my “dream” wedding…and yes, I am an encore bride. I have posted about me and my Fiance on other posts but here are our basic details. I am 43, married once before for 25 years. He is 44 and has been married 2x’s…I am wife #3. We chose to have a wedding because I really wanted one. When I got married the first time, I was very young and my mom did pretty much all of the planning. I was also in a bad marriage for a VERY long time. When I left and filed for the divorce, I said the same thing you did…I will never do this again! I couldn’t even picture me “dating” after leaving the first marriage (yes, I was that hurt and disillusioned) uch less getting married! But here I am, three years later with a man I would walk to the ends of the earth for. He is such an amazing man…tender, sweet, caring, loving and supportive. In other words, all the things my ex wasn’t. So for me, even though I never thought I would do this again, I also never thought I would find such an amazing man that I would WANT to spend the rest of my life with. Our wedding will be a celebration of that love. Ok…this was wayyy longer than I expected and I am getting all teary eyed. Good luck in finding the answers you seek. I hope your marriage lasts forever but I hope you also never forget that everything happens for a reason and as an encore bride, I truly believe I had to go through a really bad first marriage so that I am truly able to appreciate the man I have now. <<<hugs>>>

Post # 80
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@SandyThePoet:OMG! This post made me cry!!! Other than the fact that your first marriage lasted 5 years and mine lasted 25, you could have written this about me! It feels so amazing to find love…real, true love!!! 🙂

Post # 81
Member
1551 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I see I’m a bit late here.

I read the other thread first.  I’m an encore and I have to say I was not offended at all.  Not in the least.  To me, it seemed like you were genuinely curious and in a good way.  You really just want to understand what encore brides are thinking. 

Part of what I love about Weddingbee is that we can ask those kinds of questions.  The relative anonymity we have here makes it possible for us to ask each other the kinds of questions we really wouldn’t be comfortable asking others in person.  “How much did you pay for your wedding dress?”  “Are you ok with your husband going to a strip club for his bachelor party?”  I agree that the “why” questions have a higher probability of offending “Why are you waiting until you are married?”  “Why do you want a Catholic ceremony?” but truly, I felt that you were simply trying to see a perspective that was very different from your own and gain a better understanding.

I think there is actually some pressure on encores to NOT have a big wedding the second (third, etc.) time around.  Traditionally, except in the case of widows, second weddings have been somewhat frowned on anyway.  When my aunt got remarried in the early 1980s, she wore a pink suit and a flower in her hair.  She and her husband went to a justice of the peace.  She, her husband, his daughter, and both sets of parents went out to dinner afterwards.  That was it.  That was what was expected. 

So encores who do want more than that have that history to deal with.  Yes, times have changed somewhat, but they know, without being told, that a lot of people still feel that anything more than that is distasteful, dare I say it?  Tacky.

And as anyone who has planned a wedding knows, it’s stressful.  Not to mention expensive.  After my first wedding, I couldn’t imagine EVER wanting to go through all that ever again.   

And a lot of us feel shame.  Shame that we couldn’t make our first marriages work, despite our best efforts.  Sometimes, we are ashamed even when we did everything we could, but were faced with adultery and/or abuse.  A lot of us still feel bad that we failed at “till death do we part.”  And we know that a second wedding will draw attention to that.  We know that there will be those thinking “Here she goes again.  Till they get tired of each other.”  Ugh.

So I think it is a fair question to ask encores who are planning a wedding (and by a wedding, I mean a ceremony and reception, the whole “shebang”) why do they want to?  What motivates them to want to risk disapproval, to go through all the planning, all the headaches, all the expense, all over again? 

To be realistic, I think many, if not most, encores do not.  I know quite a few people who have had second and third weddings and most have been relatively subdued affairs.  But those brides tend not to join Weddingbee.  So what motivates those encores that want more?

I can only speculate for others, but I know that for myself, there are several reasons.  First and most important is how much I love my husband.  Yes, I thought I loved my first husband, but what I felt for him and the relationship I had with him are nothing compared to what my current husband and I share.  It is my current husband with whom I will share the rest of my life.  Why should I not have a real wedding with the man who is my real husband?   

Secondly, this time I will be married in the church (well, convalidated).  For Catholics, this is easy to understand.  This time, in the eyes of the Church, IS my first and only marriage.  To me and to my husband, it very important to us to have a valid Catholic marriage and neither of us have had that before.  To us, that is worth celebrating.

Finally, believe it or not, we have received pressure from both our families to have a full-blown wedding and reception.  Both families know how much we went through in our previous marriages and they now see how happy we are.  They want to celebrate that.  They want to replace the old memories with new ones.  Our families and friends have told us they would be disappointed if we did not have a “wedding.”  So we will.

Post # 82
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

To the OP…I made my opinion known about the fact that I was offended by your last thread. However, I respect you for coming and apologizing and I thank you for that.

Post # 83
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee

@luckyprincess:I did not say I would not be happy for a friend. I said it’s considered tacky to ask for or expect gifts for the same event. It’s not me, read an etiquette book it will tell you the same thing. It’s distasteful. However, many people are unconventional and don’t live by the same standards. That’s fine too.

Post # 84
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@Soladylike:

I hope that answering you isn’t considered off topic, but I’m assuming not.

Like I said, to me and everyone I know and in the area I’m in, its unconventional to not want to celebrate the second child or the second wedding, which is what the OP was asking, I think.  A second child should not be thought of ‘the same event’! It is a new life, a new child and deserves the same celebration.  Same thing goes for a second wedding.  A quick search on etiquette of baby showers for second babies gave me this:

It is never improper to have a baby shower. A shower is so much more than gifts. It is an opportunity to gather family and friends together to celebrate the beginning of a new life. The birth of a baby is a joyous occasion, and it is always acceptable to celebrate it.

So that’s what I meant about there being a regional thinking involved.  To NOT have a shower to celebrate a wedding, a baby – any of that would be seen as tacky where I am, if it was in a ‘I already gave her something the first time she got married 15 years ago!  Why can’t she just ask her first husband to give her the hand mixer back that I got them and use it with this new guy??’ way of explanation against it, you know? That reasoning would probably be seen as distasteful here.  It’s actually really interesting to me how different people can be in the same country.  If you do a search you’ll see that it’s a pretty hot topic here, though.

 

Post # 86
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Neva: Thank you for posting this and phrasing everything PERFECTLY! I can’t always get out the words I want to say and this was perfect! I was married the first time for 25 years and even though I “thought” I was playing the part of the happy wife and mother, it wasn’t until I left and really started talking to people that I realized just how many family members and friends knew I was unhappy. It’s only after me and my Fiance started seeing each other and people kept commenting how happy I am that I realized that I had not fooled anyone. This is why I want to have a wedding and “the whole she-bang” with Fiance. This will be my first “real” marriage…a partnership with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 🙂

Post # 87
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Babymilka:

I think the reason many got their feathers ruffled was the use of the word “charade” in your post.

I wasn’t mad reading your questions, but feel that our board is very valid, quite relevant, and a special place for those who find themselves marrying again.

Now, that being said I have to say that I was very proud to be an encore bride.  I married the most wonderful encore groom too!  We both had been divorced for quite a while, met each other after our hearts had mended, and he’s an amazing stepdad to my son, who loves him and says he feels more like his dad than stepdad.

The importance of us having a wedding was for the children as well as for us.  We wanted them to know the solemnity of the wedding itself, it’s a blessed union, and as Christians it was important for us to have a wedding.  We opted for a lovely beach wedding (very small) and had an intimate wedding reception and dinner the following weekend after our return and it was perfect!

What my friends and family felt was that they were rejoicing about our newfound happiness, and how at 38 I met the man of my dreams (I’m 41 now).  But seriously, if they knew my heart was a bit too flippant, or that say this was an encore of an encore seven times over wedding, I honestly don’t believe they’d be too into things either. 

But knowing my Darling Husband and I were and are 100 percent committed for life together, they’re all amazingly supportive of us.  Also, our wedding was totally different than both of our prior huge weddings.  It represented “us” very well!

And as another poster here said so eloquently, until you’ve BEEN in our position, then it’s hard to even make a good judgement on what you would or would not do at all.

I know I never planned on divorce, just like I never thought my xh would cheat on me either, and after such heartbreak, it seemed like me being alone was the right thing.  And it was for about five years, until on one particular day, I met accidentally the man who would change my mind about love.  The rest is history.

Celebrate the brave women (and some guys) on this board, because they’re open and honest enough to allow their hearts to love again.    

 

Post # 88
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think it’s hard to know what you’d do unless yu’re in the situation, that’s all.  When I got engaged again several people said, “oh, if I ever got divorced I don’t think I’d get married again.”  That’s ok.  I usually replied it just means I’m really optimistic or really stupid.  (joke)  I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the institution of marriage, mine just didn’t work out.

I think the same thing is true for encore weddings.  After you plan your first (if it was a big affair) you might think I’d never plan another one.  But time changes things.  Sometimes you get engaged again and you and your fiance want a big celebration, or a tiny one, or a destination wedding or whatever.  Everyoen’s different. 

I guess what I’m saying is that we should all try not to be judgmental.  Celebrate love!

Post # 89
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

i cannot believe how rude a select few have been to @baby. floored. floored. floored. you pick one word out of her original post … “charade” which she corrected in her first post… to completely disregard the validity of the entire post?!?! are you looking for reasons to be righteously indignant? are you flipping kidding me?!? i mean are you KIDDING me?!?

now let the “if you don’t like it, don’t read it” responses fly, the “puppy dogs and unicorns” accusations be flung….

i thought it was a really interesting question that i would have enjoyed reading about. we have an entire encore section, i would have loved to hear more about how some encore brides felt about planning a second, third, whatever number wedding.

@baby – you are a far better person than i for even bothering to apologize. kudos to you.

Post # 91
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think most of us, including myself are over this whole thing.  I get that she didn’t wish to offend, but it is true, that when you start off a post with “I don’t mean to offend” somebody will get offended.  Maybe sometimes it’s how a question is written/worded.  But I know I’m guilty sometimes of writing some things that could have been taken the wrong way at some times. 

Again, alot of us on this board have endured alot in our lives.  My decision to remarry was something truthfully, I thought I would never do again.  I was scared to open myself up at first to even the idea of dating.  When I least expected it, I met him.  As for encore brides, we aren’t always planning a picture perfect “white” wedding, but are celebrating love and family and are starting anew.  Again, walking a mile in our shoes is somewhat like walking in really painful shoes.  What did get me in the initial post, was that “c” word and if you google the definition or synonyms for that word, you could see why it would get an encore bride somewhat upset.  My marriage is not a game, deception, or full of pretense. It’s us, it’s love, it’s real, and we’re in this the rest of our lives.

 It’s all good.  Time to move on now 🙂  

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