my aunt is an asshole

posted 7 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

anononofmybusiness :  I think at this point the best thing to do is to tell the girl you aren’t emotionally prepared to meet her and ask her not to contact you anymore. As for your aunt – if you don’t like how she disregards your feelings then you you can also step back from your relationship with her for awhile. 

Post # 48
Member
6157 posts
Bee Keeper

Your aunt is an asshole. It sounds as if your dad wasn’t a prize either. It sounds like a sucky situation for everyone involved, including your newly found sister.

It’s not this young woman’s fault she was fathered by a loser any more than it’s yours. She is your sister, whether you like the idea or not. You don’t know her because you choose not to know her. I don’t think anyone is suggesting you become besties but try to think of it from her perspective–she probably just wants to know something, anything about her father’s side of the family. If you do reach out to her perhaps add a “for now” to your “I’m not interested in a relationship with you” notice.

Post # 50
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

anononofmybusiness :  You shouldn’t punish your half sister for you’re fathers mistakes , Maybe she is curious about you and feels that she wants to connect to you and get to know you. I think you are acting very harsh about this situation. Although your aunt shouldn’t be pushing you to meet with her or whatever , i have a half sister who I can not live without she turned out to be my best friend and I  am glad i gave her a chance to be apart of my life. It just sounds like you resent your father which i am sure you have every reason to but don’t take it out on the half sister its not her fault that he is a deadbeat. I would sit on it for awhile and maybe look at the positives she wants to be apart of your life despite everything. 

Post # 51
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

nycbee523 :  I don’t think this is fair. It is super unfortunate that this woman is interested in getting to know her biological family and they are not interested in getting to know her, but a person isn’t obligated to have a relationship with someone just because the other person wants a relationship with them.

 

Do I feel very sorry for this woman, who is reaching out and getting rebuffed? Certainly. But is it not fair to tell someone they have to forge a relationship when they are not comfortable doing so, based on someone else’s needs.

Post # 52
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Tatum :  i never said she should force the relationship. This is coming from someone who has 3 half sisters! I just thought i shed some light and give OP some positivity and letting her know from my experience i am glad i gave them all a chance to be in my life. OP is under no onbilgation to do the same if she does not want to. I see things from both ends i really do. 

Post # 53
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I took the time to read through all of your posts and I have to say I dont think it’s fair that a lot of bees are discounting YOUR feelings on this. i dont think that you should have to put your feelings aside for HER feelings. That just doesnt make sense to me. your aunt IS an asshole. unfortunately i do feel as though the only thing you can do is tell her how you feel. I know you don’t want to but ignoring her isnt nice either. I agree that it sucks you even have to, but that is just life sometimes. good luck, bee.

Post # 55
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

It’s not usually my style to comment on any thread without reading more replies, but after reading all of page 1 and seeing people look down on you for this, I wanted to throw my two cents in. 

 

A woman in my life, we’re very close, had a similar situation, and she took the same stance you are. She just felt like it was not healthy for her at the time because she did not have enough in her to properly do what was being asked of her (meeting sister her dad only met for the first time when the girl was in her teens because HE chose not to). I know what a great person she is, and I respected her decision to not meet the sister. And the fact that you have done this with another sibling and know how it went for you personally, I respect your decision even more. 

No advice about the aunt, as I’m guessing she is going to keep doing as she wants to, but it sounds like you are standing your ground, which is awesome. I guess the one bright side is that this did not happen pre-wedding. 

Post # 57
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Stand your ground, bee. Your aunt has every right to have a relationship with her niece but she should’ve spoken about it with you and perhaps other family members prior to pursuing it just so you all knew and so that you could decide what level of involvement you did or did not want.

Your aunt has put you in a position where you’re going to come off looking bad because your she has overstepped her boundaries (ones that you are 100% entitled to have). I feel for you and the half sister. 

I don’t know what the solution is to your aunt, it seems like she just doesn’t care. I guess maintaining minimal contact with her is probably the best option at this point. You seem to have the support of the rest of your family so that’s good, let them know what your next move is so that they can support you through it.

Post # 58
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I’m adopted and know I have half siblings. That being said, I feel super angry just imagining meeting my birth parents and my birth father’s family (from whom I know I have half-siblings). It is such a fucked up thought that I even have half-siblings.

If your aunt was really trying to help out this girl, she should have personally spoken to you, to everyone. You don’t just bring a stranger to any family gathering. It’s even weirder for her to be genetically related as a stranger. Your aunt is just uncouth and does not understand boundaries.

Post # 59
Member
3001 posts
Sugar bee

anononofmybusiness :  This is a tough situation.

Your aunt was in the absolute wrong trying to force a relationship on everyone and making her the unwelcomed surprise guest at a family event where everyone had already expressed that they did not want to meet her. I also feel bad if she got this poor girls hopes up.

I dont think she is an asshole. I think that she may have an unrealistic outlook on how difficult it is for long lost families to reconnect and is being pushy about it. 

I was in a similar position as your aunt and its a shitty one to be in. I found my half brother (Dad’s child he had while married to my mom) when i was 20 years old. I had wanted to meet him ever since i was little and even as a kid tried to find him. 

I found him on facebook after discovering his last name had changed as he had been adopted by his step dad. We were both so happy to have found eachother. My brothers on the other hand really didnt care. One was indifferent and the other wanted nothing to do with him. Perhaps for similar reasons as yours, he never had a good relationship with my dad and the way he spoke about it was almost like he was upset that my half brother hadnt reached out to us first? It was hard for me to understand. 

 

It hurt because he would ask what his brothers are like or questions about my Dad (who in reality, never spoke a word about him) and what am i supposed to say? No, no one cares about you in our family but me. Do i tell my dad that i found him? What if my dad wants to meet him and my brother doesnt or vice versa? I didnt want to be the middle man so i decided that our relationship was between us (probably what your aunt should have done).

but when it came to my wedding, it sucked because people gave me crap about wanting to invite my half brother. And it was like, you know if HE is willing to sit in a room full of people who never bothered to talk to him or reach out, the least the family could do is be polite. He wasn’t able to make the trip anyway, but it just sucks that although i tried to keep the relationships separate from the rest of the family, it just doesnt always end up that way.

I guess i am just pointing out that your aunt isn’t in the best position either. She is going about it the wrong way and you have every right to express your frustration that she is ignoring your wishes and you have every right to let your sister know that you arent ready for a relationship. But at the end of the day, that is just a person who just wants to connect with family. 

Post # 60
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

anononofmybusiness :  Just had to hop on and say you have been put in a really difficult situation and absolutely you must take care of yourself first.  It doesn’t sound like you want to be rude to this woman and you just aren’t emotionally available for this relationship.  It’s fine to say that in a respectful way.  You might even include some very general information about the chaos that your father created for you to provide some context, but really, that is up to you.  Following through with some therapy will be a good idea.  Your Aunt is absolutely an asshole and what she has done to this girl is awful… however, that doesn’t mean you need to swoop in and begin a relationship with her because people feel bad for her when that isn’t what is best for you now.  

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