my aunt is an asshole

posted 8 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 61
Member
3362 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

If your aunt was truly trying to incorporate this woman into your family, she went about it the wrong way. It was not okay for her to just dump this news on everyone and expect the woman to be greeted with open arms. 

OP, it’s not your responsibility to make up for your father’s failings as a parent. She doesn’t know his side of the family because of him, not you. And if she wants that information she can get it from your aunt. Honestly if I discovered I had a half sibling out there, I would have no desire to meet or interact with them either and I would feel no obligation to do so. Despite the criticism you’ve faced here, I think most people would agree that just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. 

Totally agree that the woman is 100% innocent and it is a terrible position your father and aunt have put her in, but it’s not your mess to clean up. They dragged her into this, not you. If you change your mind in the future, that’s also fine. 

Post # 62
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

anononofmybusiness :  I think you’re aunts heart is in the right place but just not going about it the right way. You sound more angry than genuinely upset about the entire situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 63
Member
1954 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

If your aunt and dad choose to have a relationship with this girl, that is their right as an adult. But for your aunt to shove this girl down your throat because she is the biological child of someone you have no relationship with is wrong on a lot of different levels then im even wanting to type out. I wouldnt shun her rudely if your aunt decides to drag her to public family outings, because i think you might have to be the one to step up and be the bigger person whether you want to or not. 

I mean does this girl even want to really have a relationship with your side of the family, or is this more the aunt forcing it? 

i get if this girl has NO family of her own, i do kinda feel for her if she is wanting to connect with at least some half siblings or relatives, cause thats gotta be hard to have no one in her life, and yours/her fathers mistakes shouldnt be her fault… But it shouldnt be a forced thing on anyones part. 

Post # 64
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee

 

anononofmybusiness :  I dont agree with the others here who are being very judgmental towards you and your family.

You dont owe this woman anything. Time and time again on this forum you’ll see ppl give advice that they can and should cut family off for X Y Z reason (which is usually minor in the grand scheme of things) but apparently here in this thread just bc you allegedly share some DNA with this woman you have to give a shit. No, sorry, you dont.

You do not need to change your life to accommodate her in any way of you don’t want to. You are free to live as you choose.  Free to associate with whom you choose. Sucks for the biological relative you share with your father, but if you weren’t a part of her life before, there’s nothing you have to do to change it now that will make a difference for what your father did back then. 

Your aunt is upsetting you despite your demands that she stop and that in and of itself is selfish on her part. She is indeed an asshole as you say. I would personally stop communicating with a relative like that for a while until she got the message that bullying you into having a relationship with someone you do not know is not ok.

Post # 65
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I understand how you feel, I also have no contact with my dad and was raised by my grandparents.

If a long lost brother or sister tried to contact me I wouldn’t want to meet. And it would be even worse if it came from someone in my family, talk about disrespecting my feelings…

I mean, the only thing linking you to your sister is this father that you dislike very much, that seems like a poor start to a healthy relationship.

I’m sorry for your sister, I hope her mother side of the family is good to her.

Post # 66
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t think you should do anything you’re not mentally prepared to do.  That being said, I wonder how you AND your sister’s family would have reacted if you had said you were excited to meet her, encouraged everyone to be welcoming to her.  I think they would have been more welcoming.  Typically it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

My mother had children before she had fully healed from her childhood.  We have a good relationship now, but it was a lot of suffering during my childhood.  I highly suggest not having children until you are healthy enough to not get this angry/anxious over meeting your future children’s aunt.

Post # 67
Member
1816 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Your situation reminds me of a lady I used to work with. Let’s call her Alice.

Her mum got pregnant at aged 15 to a guy from school. This top guy also got another girl pregnant at the same time.

Alice never had a relationship with her father as he was a deadbeat.  He kept trying to be a part of her life but Alice dismissed him. When Alice was 10, her Mum married her step dad & she has 2 half sisters who are blonde. Alice is dark haired and olive skinned like her dad.

At age 40, Alice meets a new friend and this new friend says to her. You won’t believe this but I know this girl who looks just like you. So Alice’s new friend spoke to her friend that looked like her and they found out they shared the same dad. Alice knew this woman existed but she literally knew nothing else. No name or anything. 

When Alice found this out, she was so overwhelmed with emotion. She had a sister out there. When Alice told me,  I cried. Such a BEAUTIFUL story of two sisters coming together. When they meet they both hugged and didn’t let go. I don’t work with Alice any longer but I believe they have  a wonderful friendship.

What I’m saying is if you look past the hurt, the abandonment and resentment,  you could have a wonderful relationship with this woman. You both share the lack of father and abandonment issues. There is something really special about the bond between two sisters. 

 

Post # 68
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think people are making this far too simplistic, likely because they have never experienced a situation like yours themselves. There are a lot of people who have relationships with half siblings, but also a lot of people who don’t. A healthy relationship doesn’t start with someone forced into your life while you’re kicking and screaming that it’s not what you’re ready for.

Your aunt had the opportunity to contact this girl at a time and in a way she was comfortable with. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide those things for everyone else. And while i do feel bad for your half sibling, the truth is that’s your aunt’s fault. She had no business trying to force this on you because she decided it’s what should happen. You’re allowed to have boundaries in your life, and it’s really irrelevant what someone else’s experience in a similar situation was.

Post # 70
Member
1531 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

anononofmybusiness :  This whole situation is effed up.  I agree OP, your aunt IS a total asshole.  Unfortunately, she really got this girl’s hopes up even AFTER being told to back off and now its on you to let her down easy when you shouldn’t have had to deal with it at all.  The best advice I can give is to get this over and done with.  Let her know that its nothing against her personally but you’re not in an emotional space to start a relationship right now.  Possibly some time down the road but not now. Be as gentle and kind as you can be.  Then seriously tear your aunt a new one and cut her off. 

Okay that last part was me being evil..but you get the point.

Post # 71
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee

anononofmybusiness :  I would just be brutally honest with her and rip off any bandaid your aunt has in place bc otherwise this will fester for years. This woman had a life without you prior to your aunt’s meddling. She will live on just fine without you. And that is ok! You shouldn’t be forced to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to have ties with.

Post # 72
Member
1954 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

anononofmybusiness :  so your aunt has now handed out your number to her. Or was that on your part? That would make me even more irritated. 

I would try and let her down gently, but I think with your aunt constantly re assuring her and then handing out your number to her. She will probably be hurt be it no matter what you do now.

Post # 73
Member
43 posts
Newbee

OP correct me if I’m wrong here…You let her know you wanted no relationship. She invited sister to dinner but you all made it clear that you didn’t really want her there. And she sends you an FB request?

That’s being super pushy and in my experience that isn’t a good thing. 

You gotta do what’s best for you, OP. 

Post # 75
Member
2230 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

anononofmybusiness :  We all had a talk and my aunt uninvited her.

 

I think after this, aunt should be on the uninvite list. This is a classic strategy of putting people on the spot and hoping they just feel too guilty or afraid of conflict/confrontation to say no. The person doing it knows they are upsetting the railroaded person, but if the railroaded person gives in because they are being railroaded, then the other person gets his or her way and that was always the end game. I am sure this is not the first time aunt has pulled something similar.

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