(Closed) My awkward guest dilema

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2007

This isnt about an awkward guest for my wedding… but rather, I am that guest.

I have a friend who i have known for a few years now. Her fiance and her have been great friends to my husband and I. They moved here from another part of the country and were the first real friends my husband and I made moving back to my hometown where we live now.

This friend has babysat my kid, invited me wedding dress shopping and showed me wedding info (location and such).

Anyway, they plan on getting married back home where they are from… and we planned on going. A few weeks ago, she asked me if my husband and I would be their witnesses in their civil ceremony they are having here where we live (their hometown wedding is summer of next year). Everything up until this point was fine… until a few days ago when I received an email from her saying that she may not have been very clear about her intentions/purpose of their civil ceremony.

She said that the civil ceremony was something she was going to do for her local friends so they would not feel obligated to travel to their actual wedding, apart from already negotiating w/ her parents over the guestlist (basically, we’re not invited to the ‘real’ wedding). Again, something I would have been on board for except we will be the only ones attending the civil ceremony and she said she wanted to treat us to dinner afterwards and it is the day after the civil ceremony she will be celebrating with the local folks over cocktails & cake.

I understand budgetary constraints, my husband and I paid for our destination wedding and primarily did it to limit the amount of guests we would have and then had a reception when we got home.

I also understand her wanting to include us, but it seems like our friendship means enough to them to ask us to be their witnesses, but not enough to be invited to their actual nuptuals.

She said she hoped I wouldnt be hurt, except I am. The more a mull over it, the more I question it and hope that I can find some answers among those currently in the thick of it and have been through it in the past especially since I had such a non-traditional wedding.

1. Do I say anything? I dont want to stress her out even more. I want to be there for her but feel like I’ve been put in a very awkward situation – I also dont want to make her feel forced to invite us to their actual wedding.

2. Do we bow out or offer to pay for the post-civil ceremony dinner? I feel its awkward for them to pay, and think if they are having cocktails next day we should just join them for that.

3. What do we do for a gift? If we end up treating them for dinner, is that okay? I know she registered but I’m not invited to the bridal shower (its also in their home town) and we wont be invited to the actual wedding.

I’ve spent the last few days wondering if I put more value on this friendship than  I should have or if I’m over-reacting.

what do you think?

 

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Post # 3
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Whoa. That’s a bit of a slap in the face IMO. I’d very hurt, too.

I wouldn’t say anything to her about you attending her actual wedding. That might put you both in an extremely akward situation, but if it is eating at you then I would speak up and say that you were planning on traveling to her hometown to see her actual nuptuals. Only yu can really decide if that is what you should do or not.

I would also back out of the dinner after the civil ceremony. That’s very weird for them to pay and it’s even more weird, to me at least, for them to assume that that’s normal? I don’t know it’s just akward.I would just attend the cake and cocktails reception thing. That way you avoid any weirdness. Tell them that you are more comfortable either paying for their meal as a gift or just not going to dinner at all.

I would get them a gift or a card with money and give it to them at dinner if you decide to go and if not, then at the reception they are having the next day. But if you are paying for dinner, I would think that would be good enough.

Good luck with all of this! Pretty off situation but I hope it all turns out okay!

Post # 4
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

This is really strange. I’d be a little offended too. I think they are offering to pay for dinner because they feel guilty so I’d let them pay. Like the PP said if you want to get them a gift you can give it to them at the dinner or at the cocktails and cake reception. I think you are being extremely considerate of their feelings. If it keeps nagging at you then say something.

Post # 5
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It sounds like they have a guest list issue with their at-home part. Think about how many Bees are forced to invite extended family and the friends of their parents, meaning that they have no room to invite the people that they actually want to be at their wedding. It sounds like you really matter and your friend is trying to find some way to make you and your guy extra special in their wedding activities.

Post # 6
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2007

thank you all for your input! I feel as though backing out or us paying for dinner is the best way to go.

I agree that her offering to pay for dinner is out of guilt, which is exactly why its awkward. Its her wedding – the attention should be about them and not on catering to us.

I thought when she said celebrate w/ her local friends that they would all be at the civil ceremony, so it just being my husband, child & me, also increased the awkward.

I just feel like if she is going through all this trouble to include us this way, why not just invite us to the actual wedding?

In her effort to make things less awkward, they have become more awkward. :

Post # 7
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Things are only awkward if you let them be awkward. You are in control of your response to this situation. So you can choose to see how much effort she is going to to make a tough situation good, thus giving her the benefit of the doubt, or you can interpret it as an insult and make it awkward. How do you choose to respond?

Post # 8
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@That1girl: It sounds like there is pressure at home to keep the list small; I understand you feeling hurt, but if this is a friendship you value, be her witness, treat them for dinner.  It doesn’t have to be awkward – she clearly wants you to be a part of her marriage to her husband and include you, in some way, in  celebrating.  Treat them for dinner, get them a nice, thoughtful card, and use the money you would’ve had to spend on plane tickets & a hotel for a nice night out with your husband!

Post # 9
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I think she could have went about it with a little bit more tact, but at the same time I understand wanting to include people while stressing over a guest list. However, I’m a bit confused as to why she can’t just invite you to the actual wedding, if you’re going to be the only ones at the civil ceremony and they’re going to take you out for dinner and drinks later. Wouldn’t they be paying the same price if they just had you on the guest list for their reception?

Post # 10
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@That1girl:  I’m going to take a different tack on this.  Obviously, this is just my take from what you’ve said here.

I think that there’s definitely something going on back home and your friend still wants to include your family in her wedding.  You are the people that are going to see her actually be legally married and, to thank you for witnessing and being there for her, she wants to take you out for dinner to celebrate.  She’s essentially asking you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor at her legal wedding.  I would not offer to pay for dinner (this is her reception after her legal wedding) and would definitely get her a gift if you want to.  

I think that she could have been more…direct with you (explain exactly why she was doing this) but I do think that she’s trying awfully hard to include you.

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was invited to a similar situation wedding. I actually LOVED it after the fact. It was so much more personal than sitting in the chapel (I’m not religious, but the bride is and understood that some of her non-religous friends may not be comfortable). She had only invited about 10 people to join her and her fiance’s friends to the civil ceremony they did. And she made sure that everyone was a part of it. We also were treated to dinner and cake afterwards. 

With this wedding, we got so much more time to spend with the bride and groom then if we were at the main reception (which was family only because of budget and space issues). She also didn’t expect us to bring gifts, which certainly helped us in terms of costs. 

I guess I can see your point and I certainly felt a bit hurt that we were not invited to her big wedding in the beginning. But looking back, her civil ceremony and dinner afterwards had to have been one of my favorite “weddings” I’ve ever attended. 

I wouldn’t confront her. If she’s going out of her way to do a civil ceremony she probably understands that she is going to hurt some people by not being able to invite them. But I would also avoid helping her plan her wedding any further. 

 

Post # 12
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ArwenBride: Great points. 

OP, you will get to spend SO much more quality time with your friend with this arrangement. Clearly, it is something out of your friends’ control (family issues, guest list, small venue, the possibilities are endless), because they are going above and beyond to make you and your family feel like an integral part of her marriage. Try to feel flattered, not hurt! You will spend more time with the bride and groom than most parents of the wedding couple do! It sounds to me like you have some very thoughtful friends who are going out of their way to try and make the best of a less-than-perfect situation. Enjoy your dinner, get them a nice present, and have fun!

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