Post # 16
I am so sorry my darling, what a terrible thing for you to go through and completely normal for you to still miss him even though you are happy and have moved on.
My mum passed away when I was 11. When I was 18, I had a dream that we were sitting on the couch together and I was showing her photos from the years she had missed. I told her all about my schooling, my friends, my boyfriend, my future plans and how much I missed her. She held me and told me she was proud of me. I woke up and couldn’t catch my breath. I’ve had realistic dreams before but this was so much more – I believe with every fibre of my being that she was reaching out to me. It’s a beautiful memory that I cherish so much.
Post # 17
Thank you everyone for your posts! I love reading about people who are experiencing similar situations. The heartache of losing someone you love, especially someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life, is no easy feat. With the love and support of others, the transition into life without them makes living your life that much easier….
thepinkflamingo: I cannot even imagine losing your mom at such a precious age…
I had a similiar instance with Blake that you did your mom…It was maybe a year after he had passed, and I don’t remember how we met up in the dream, or even how we started our conversation. He was happy, and laughing at me for being sad and asking, “have you seen my facebook posts? Did you get my facebook messages? Do you hear me when I am talking to you in my prayers?” He just said (laughing), “Yes, now stop! I’m fine, you’re beautiful, and I see you everyday even if you don’t see me…” I couldn’t even pay attention to his words because I was so worried that he hadn’t seen or heard what I had been trying to communicate to him since he’s passed. Before my dream ended, he said, “And stop being scared of the dark, I know that when you think there is a shadow-y figure in your room that you close your eyes and imagine I’m there. i AM there, but there is nothing in your room! Grow up, hunny!” I woke up and lost it. I couldn’t control myself. Yes, I am scared of the dark! And whenever I think the boogeyman is in my room, I cover myself with the blanket and imagine he is there holding me lol silly I know, but I still do it and I’m 26 now! I loved that “visit” and I hope he visits me again soon!!!! I hope your mom will visit you too!!! Please tell me if she does, I love hearing these stories <3
Post # 18
What a heartbreaking and beautiful story about your 1st fiance (I agree with PP, not your ex). Thank you for sharing it.
Post # 19
I really think you should tell your current Fiance about these feelings. I believe he would want to help you through this. This person is not your ex, you didn’t both decide to part. In a horrible twist of fate you ended up where you are now. This is not something that will ever go away, but it could be better, and I think that sharing your feelings and loss with him may make you feel better about everything.
I am so sorry for you loss. xo
Post # 20
goodriddance88: I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you have keep from mentioning his name. What a tragedy! I don’t think you should feel back about remembering him and his life to your friends and family. He was a big part of your life for a very long time. ((hugs))
Post # 21
goodriddance88: ahhhhhhhh. THis is so sad and touching. I JUST read a good article you might identify with not more than 5 minutes ago. Although you were not married, you still feel all these same things. Sorry for your loss and pray you continue to heal. <3
Post # 22
goodriddance88: when I was 19 I lost my fiance. He went to the ER for a migraine and never came out alive. He died right before my eyes. I was an inconsolable wreck. He knew me better than I knew myself.
I didn’t have a good childhood, I hated birthdays. I’m a middle child and half the time they would forget it was my birthday. When they did remember it was a mess. At 16 they did a pin the tail on the donkey children’s party. For my little mermaid birthday party, all I wanted was to dress up in a mermaid costume, which they refuse.
Obviously those are just a few examples but… He promised he would create new memories with me to replace the bad ones. Both parties I mentioned were incredibly awful. I can’t remember any good childhood birthdays whatsoever. He went through and every few months I had a birthday Re do.
His family was fairly wealthy… And I think the most memorable birthday was the little mermaid birthday. He rented me a gorgeous mermaid costume, he dressed up as prince Eric, his name is Eric btw. He rented a hall and decorated it under the sea style. It was absolutely beautiful. He played little mermaid music and got me a cheesecake. There was one birthday where my mom asked me what I wanted and I said cheesecake. I told her I hate sour cream so please no sour cream. She refused and I couldn’t eat my birthday cake. He got me a banana cream cheesecake from cheesecake factory… My absolute favorite!!
He always made everything better. My current fiance knows about him, and knows that I still get upset about it at times. He died November 17th, and his birthday is November 16th. I still cry over songs, or seeing different things. I’ve had vivid dreams about him. Sorry for the long post OP I think I got carried away. Anyway, I fully understand what you are going through. ((hugs))
Post # 23
Thank you all for your kind, and supportive words! You’re right when it comes to calling him my “ex” but it’s just the term that I’m used to since it can be awkward in bringing him up in conversations. Like, if someone asks a question I just say, “Yeah, my ex used to do that…” rather than my dead fiance.
I would talk to my Fiance about it, and I know he’d be understanding and someone I could lean on, but honestly if he had a someone like Blake pass away and he always discussed this with me, I’d feel pretty down that I wasn’t making him happy. Also, I would feel like I was being compared in some ways, and that’s just not something I want to do to my Fiance, even though I don’t think he would take it like that….
nattybeee: Thank you for bringing this up to me! Such a beautiful article; and I’ll definitley forward this to his mom as well. Any helpful material I receive, I immediately send to her because she is always struggling. I can’t even imagine being her; watching that car roll up to her home and service men telling her such tragic news. ugh.
CookieLady: Thank you for sharing your story! Such a wonderful man he was! Dont you dare ever feel like you’re talking too much about him, especially to me on here. I love hearing it and there is something humbling about talking to others about the one you know what true to you. Blake also passed in November, but on the 5th of 2010. It was exactly 2 months after his 21st Birthday (September 5th). Luckily, he had come home on 9/5 and we got to see him for two weeks. That was a blessing! As fate would have it, my Fiance and I became “officially” dating on September 5, 2014. My current Fiance still doesn’t know that we share an anniversary with Blake’s birthday, but that’s okay to me. I want that day to be a celebration of Blake’s life, but also a celebration of when my Fiance and I started our journey together 🙂
God bless all of you xoxo please know that if you ever want to just talk about death, I am always here to give a listening ear! (and a viral hug lol)
Post # 24
Dear OP, how poignant a story and how beautifully you write about him.
I have a little anxiety though, about just how deeply you are still involved with his memory, yet are engaged to someone else. If you did talk about your first fiance to your second in the way you have here, would he be ok with that do you think?
Post # 25
elderbee: I’m glad you brought this up, because it’s something that I’m sure my family and friends, and possibly others have questioned as well.
The truth is my current fiance is aware of my emotions and is understanding of them. He knows that there was a “true love” for me prior to him, but now my heart lies with my current fiance. He has stated, “I know that I can never replace Blake, and as tragic as it is that he’s gone, I’m glad I get to the chance to make you as happy, or even happier, than he did.” This was sweet, but I reminded him that in the back of my head is the memory of my beautiful ex fiance. He followed up with questions such as, “If he were to come back today, like Ben Afflec did in Pearl Harbor, would you go back to him? Or would you stay with me?”
The truth is, Bee, I would stay with my Fiance. I treasure what Blake and I had, but even if he were to come back today, my love is strong with my fiance. If I were in my fiance’s shoes, I think I’d be understanding, but still worrisome that I may not be “the one” for him because of the past relationship he had. The truth is that we’ve grown, moved on, and are now enjoying our current relationship rather than constantly reflecting on past ones. My Fiance was once married before, and although she is still living, they ended amicablly and I never assume or think that “maybe the feelings are still there.” We treasure our past, but look forward to the present. That’s the best way I know how to explain it lol
Post # 26
elderbee: I don’t know that it’s fair to challenge someone’s memories and the way that they feel. She has beautiful memories with Blake, and even if she would leave her Fiance for Blake if possible (like he asks her)….none of that matters. Life goes on and he can’t come back. Grief isn’t a nice straight line, it’s a messy maze of emotions and she posted on a day when her heart was feeling particularly raw. I respect that a lot, and I think that her current Fiance must be a really amazing guy to understand that as well.
I’m not religious, and I don’t really believe in God, so these are the kinds of ideas that get me through my grief. Maybe you’ll find some solace in them as well: http://i.imgur.com/cC8sAOw.jpg
Post # 27
jillbean1217: No,you have misunderstood .I really really am not, nor ever would ‘challenge’ anybody’s memories . And I am painfully and personally aware of grief’s uncertain and irregular timelines. Your implication that I am not respecting her feelings is also inaccurate, ( tho I am quite sure you meant your entire post to be nothing but supportive and defensive of OP and understand that)
My post merely expressed some concern fora n aspect
Post # 28
Oh man 🙁 my grandma, now passed, struggled with this all her life. She was set to marry the love of her life when she was 25 and he died of cancer suddenly. Even though she was happily married to my grandpa until she died I know she still thought of her ex. I know she used to cry to her sister about it 🙁 everyone has their waves of sadness. Mine are about lost loved ones. I don’t know how to help you besides telling you to try to live in the moment and don’t feel afraid to talk to people about it. If someone is truly your friend they won’t judge you for these thoughts. Good luck
Post # 29
First I saw the post about your dogs and then I saw this. Honestly I think you need a counselor. You got in a fight with your Fiance about leaving the dog outside and then continued the fight into his birthday today but two days ago you pulled over your car to cry over your late Fiance.
Your “ex”, late Fiance, whatever has passed away. I know it must be difficult but there is no reason to not be open about those feelings. Your Fiance should be there to support you. This isn’t something you should have to hide from him. And you should have a counselor. Losing someone to war is a tragic way to lose them. You need a neutral party to talk your feelings out with. And maybe even take your Fiance to a few sessions so he can understand what you’re dealing with. You and your Fiance haven’t even been together a year yet so I’m sure you are both learning about one another. But, Blake was obviously a huge part of your life and it’s clear you miss him dearly so you need to figure out how to not make his memory strain your future.
For him to even ask if your ex came back to life who you would be with, was messed up.
This isn’t me attacking you-this is just an observation and advice from what little I see here.