(Closed) My best friend is having an affair with a married man

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Personally, as an Older Bee who has seen a lot of life, I think this is Less About your Friend, and more about You

And the Moral Dilemma that YOU FACE

You cannot dictate what moral compass your Girlfriend “chooses” to live by

And for the record, I disagree with the Bees that said the “guilty party” is all the man that is stepping out on his wife.  When someone knowingly date someone who is “committed” to someone else (legally or otherwise) they are also doing something morally irresponsible.

Which is WHY according to the Bible (for those who might be religious) that Adultry is a sin commited BY TWO and not just one.  An adultress can be a woman married and cheating on her Husband, OR can be the “mistress” of a Man who is married and she is cheating with him on his spouse.

Amazingly some people, when they are the “mistress” somehow believe that they are in a NO FAULT position (morally) as they aren’t the one who is married.

Probably WHY your friend cannot see what you see in this situation (in so much as well that you yourself are married)

Personally, I understand the dilemma… for me it would be same… trying to disconnect MY Moral Compass from theirs

In reality, I cannot be one who goes along like nothing has changed… because it has

Altho like other Bees suggested I may try for a spell to make the friendship work:

“Sorry Sue, but I cannot talk with you about Mr Bob… as that is far too upsetting for me and outside of what I believe is right and proper behaviour as a Married person when one takes a lifelong vow to LOVE & HONOUR the other person.  So we will have to make an agreement NOT TO TALK about this issue, or I will have to limit my exposure to you”

Then if she persists, you “Wish Her Well” but cut off the contact as you stated

The only other choice, is you weigh all this now, and cut ties immediately.

Whether you reconnect later down the road again, well I suppose that would depend on WHERE she is in her life and the journey she makes within it.

In truth, I feel bad for your friend… obviously she has some major self esteem issues if she feels that her being involved with someone else’s Husband and a “protracted” relationship is better than going out and finding an available man who could offer her so much more (including INTEGRITY)

Her head isn’t screwed on straight right now… she’s lost her way… and that is sad.

I hope this helps you in your moral dilemma / struggle on what to do with the info you have at hand…

(( HUGS ))


Post # 48
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I would drop that friend until she gets her shit together. And let her know why.

Post # 49
2529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You know, I hear the kind of guy who cheats on his girlfriend/fiance/wife is a real catch – they make really faithful life mates and are always there when you need them most!
*sarcasm* *sarrrcasm*

Sucks about your friend, OP. I agree with PP’s who said just state to her that you don’t approve, and talk about other things. If she insists, tell her “If we have nothing else to talk about, I really have to go. Sorry.” and get off the phone.

I would be seriously reconsidering my friendship with her, not because of the affair but because she REALLY doesn’t care about his wife or kids. Coming from a household that was torn apart from infidelity (among other things), that really ticks me off and isn’t the kind of person I’d want in my life. 🙁

But hey – a relative’s boss “dated” her supervisor, who left his wife and kids, proposed to her and they were married last month! So sometimes these things have happy endings!
*bitter, eye rolling sarcam*

Post # 50
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Shes your best friend right?

Like best friend? I’m surprised at how many people are just willing to drop their ‘best friend’ i love my best friend to death. She could do whatever she wanted as long as it didn’t hurt me, my husband, her, or my family(well, just my dad) I would still love her. 

You usually call someone your best friend because you guys have been through a lot together and you still came out of everything in the end, TOGETHER. 

So, she’s having an affair with a married man. It’s not your man, and she’s happy. It may not be right, but she’s happy. So be there to listen to her when she’s happy because she has to hear about all your happiness, and if this thing fails, be there for her when she needs to cry. 

If you can’t be there for her, than don’t say shes your best friend.

Post # 51
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with some of the other bees. Tell her that this situation makes you uncomfortable, and you do not want to discuss it further. That is not going to end well, so when she is left heartbroken, you can support her and try to help her learn from her mistakes. Quite frankly, she may not be what you need in a friend in the future. Just like any relationship, a friendship can grow and change. Sometimes, it can change for the worst. If you two are on different paths in life, you may need to seperate yourself from her. It sounds like you are seeing an ugly side of her that you have not seen before. Whatever you choose, I wish you the best! 

Post # 52
4849 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah I would probably tell the wife and not be friends with someone so selfish. 

Post # 53
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

“Jill, I do not condone your actions and I am greatly concerned that you feel no responsibility in the potential effects this could have on a marriage and family. [If you were the driver of a getaway gar in a bank robbery, I would also be upset with you, even though you never put a gun in anyone’s face or handled illegally acquired money.] Though I find this a terrible situation, I understand you don’t see it the same way, so if we are going to agree to disagree, I ask that you respectfully stop putting me in a position where I feel pressured to support your affair by asking for my advice on the matter.”

That’s if you want to be friends.

Friends are the people who give it to you honest and the people who value your opinion when you give it to them honest. There’s a certain level of accountability and trust in a friendship, and its concerning that your friend doesn’t take you seriously in your condemnation of her affair. Secondly, she’s being totally disrespectful of your discomfort with the siutation. And THIRDLY, (purely personal advice here) you need to surround yourself with people with similar moral compasses. Sounds like hers is spinning like a kid with a pinata bat. 

Post # 54
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@peasantsong:  This reminds me of a situation with by best friend. Her SO has pushed her twice (the second time wasn’t AS bad – she was sitting on the bed and just flopped back, but still) and she is still with him.

I told her straight up:

”Honey, I want to support you in every decision you make, but at the same time, I want you to have what you deserve.”

She knows my opinion on it (I won’t lie to her about my opinion, what good would that do her, I am her friend), but in the end the decision is her’s.

I just want to clarify that if he bruised her or hit her, I would straight up tell her to leave him.

But I am sure you can see how tricky this situation is, as is your’s.

If she comes to you for advice, I say be straight up like I did. If she doesn’t like what you have to say, well… Then she doesn’t realize what she deserves in a relationship, and that is really too bad.

All you can do is try to guide her in the right direction without pushing her into it.

We should never sugar coat a bad situation that our friend is in. That is when they need us!

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