Post # 1
My very best friend since we were 6 has been in a relationship with an older guy for going on a year now. I love her to death, she’s like my sister, but she has horrible self esteem and standards when it comes to guys. He’s talking about proposing, soon. I don’t know how soon because apparently he doesn’t want me involved at all and is only talking to his friends about the details.
My best friend is 22, soon to be 23, her boyfriend is 28 turning 29. When she met him he couldn’t drive because his lisence was suspended for a year or two because he had a DUI that turned into an OVI (which makes me wonder). He lives with his mother, supposedly to “support” her. He didn’t graduate college and works as a painter and up until this year had no insurance. His best friend also lives with them and he has been fired from both McDonalds and a gas station and is currently unemployed. He has a 5 year old daughter with his girlfriend who was only 16 when he got her knocked up (he would have been about 24 or 25 at the time too). He also smokes a ton of pot and does alot of recreational drugs (you know like spice and all that and how they keep changing the names). An ironic side note, she’s deathly allergic to cats ad they own 7.
She’s head over heals for him and pretty much only spends time with him and his friends. My fiance doesn’t like him and they’ve never even talked about it (all I said was he thought he was a little weird when she asked what he thought after meeting him) and now she’s completely stopped talking to him. Any advice here?
Post # 3
Your friend has to make her own mistakes – you can’t save her from them.
Post # 4
My best advice is to stay in her life because she’s going to need you when this all goes to hell, which won’t take long. You won’t get her to see the light, but in time, she will begin to see for herself that this isn’t what she wants. Living with his mom, breaking the law, inability to hold down a job… it’s not going to be so easy to overlook when they’re legally bound to each other.
Keep the lines of communication with her open. Don’t talk about him too harshly or she’ll back away from you.
Post # 5
There’s really not a whole lot you can do except be supportive of her, and have a couch ready for her to crash on when she eventually figures out what a loser d-bag he is. I’d say you should gently tell her what you’re seeing, but she’s already cut off contact with your fiance for doing that. I wouldn’t gush over him, you can just say that you respect her choices if she asks. Just makes sure she knows that she has a place to go to if things don’t go well.
Post # 7
@Birdiebaby4: Well, you’ve certainly got his number…wonder what he thinks of you? Point is, you don’t have to live with the guy, she does and keeping score of his failures is a guaranteed method of keeping your opinion of him low, broadening the distance between you and your friend because no one can hide that kind of contempt and essentially dismantling the friendship one awkward, horribly painful moment at a time.
Instead, set yourself and this guy up to succeed. Ignore the past, it’s in the past, look to the future, focus and celebrate their triumphs, that’s what friends are for, support and love them through the lows and let her decide who is right for her…..
Post # 8
You can’t control the path people take for themselves. Just be a good friend and support her in her decisions – it’s totally OK to let her know what you think if she asks, but constantly griping on her choice of beau is just going to push her away.
One of my best friends from high school ended up marrying a loser. I really tried very hard to be supportive and “there” for her. When they were dating I mentioned to her that she should be with him for at least six months before they get engaged, and asked questions like, “What hobbies does he have?” (which she couldn’t answer), they got married within six months of meeting. I busted my butt to go to their wedding reception (their religion doesn’t allow non-member to go to the wedding), and spent over $200 to give them a really nice rice cooker (she had registered for a $30 one that would have broke in three months). Now she (with her master’s degree) supports him and their daughter on her community college professor’s salary in their condo (which she bought before meeting him) that’s now underwater. He’s going to school for his undergrad (which she is paying for) and commutes 50 miles one-way for it. Life is not good for them.
I invited her to be a bridesmaid even though I knew money was tight for them. I honestly expected her to turn me down, but I cared so much for our friendship and liked her so much that I wanted her to know that I would have loved for her to stand up with me on my wedding day. I said that I would totally understand if she couldn’t make it out and that we would still be friends. She said that she could do it, then came up with a laundry list of why her life sucked and how difficult everything is for her. Then she said she couldn’t wear any of the dresses in the line the other bridesmaids and I picked out (she didn’t provide any input even though I knew she looked) and said she couldn’t be in the wedding. I am trying to be gracious and considerate to my friends, and am purchasing the gowns they picked within a set criteria. Two weeks later she said that she and her husband decided to undergo IVF and couldn’t go to the wedding at all, but insisted that I send her an invitation anyway so she could send a “nice gift”, because “that’s what friends do”. She even had the gall to complain about the wedding date and how it was right before her kid’s birthday (which she wouldn’t have missed anyway) ::shrug::
I chalked it up to a friendship that had run its course. I was very distressed over it for a while, but am over it now. She picked her path, and there was nothing I could do to influence her or stop her from making her own poor decisions.
Post # 9
Unfortunately all you can do is be there for her. We’re adults now and as such, we have to learn from our own mistakes. Hopefully she realizes that this is not a man that she can really build a life with successfully before she legally binds herself to him and it becomes a mess to get out of the situation. Be her shoulder to cry on, but remember that this is her life and her choice. I know it’s hard to watch your best friend to put herself into a situation that she shouldn’t be in (I’m there right now), but you have to let her live her own life. Huge hugs, I know this isn’t easy!
Post # 10
Does he treat your friend well? Is she happy with him?
Those are the things that should matter to you and that, frankly, are your business.
If the answer to both of those questions is a yes (and it would appear it is), then the rest has nothing to do with you, and honestly isn’t your concern. His job, or his living situation have nothing to do with you, and there could be a lot of details you don’t know, as well. There are a lot of guys with perfect educations, and lots of money who treat their wives and girlfriends like crap too, ya know.
Be her friend, and be supportive of her decisions. They are hers to make, whether they are mistakes or not.
Post # 11
@stuckinwonderland and @MariContrary
I agree, its her life and I try to respect it. I’ve seen her do this before, she cut off all her friends in HS for her first boyfriend that was using her for sex and was very mean to her – they did last 4 years but she couldn’t stand him after 2. It kind of sucks because I feel like I’ve lost her and at this point if she’s marrying him then it seems kind of permanent :/
To his credit, for as much as bum he is, he does treat her well as far as laying on the sweet talk I’ll give him that. She’ll constantly be sending me pictures that he got her flowers or forwarding a text where he says he loves her and to have a good day (which I find odd sometimes because I feel like it’s like LOOK how much he loves me!). But he does do romantic things for her, and no other guy she’s dated has and I think that’s what wins her over.
Post # 12
Like PP have said, there isn’t much you can do. Trust me, I know how hard this is!!! My best friend dated a horrible guy (he broke the law, beat her, destroyed the house, etc) and even her knowing that I didn’t like, or that her parents hated him, didn’t matter. She still “loved” him and that was that. I just learned to keep my mouth shut about him and leave when he was at the house. We would hang out when he wasn’t around. If you constantly tell her how you think he’s a loser and what-not she will pull away from you. Hopefully she will eventually see him for what he is and get away, but you can’t do that for her.
Post # 13
I made a mistake of opening my mouth like this at a young age. My BFF (at the time) and I were friends with this guy who we both honestly thought was gay. He was extremely smart but never went to college because he was above it all. He went from house to house and never owned his own place, picking up odd jobs here and there. He was into drugs… mostly pot… but did not have a lot of ambition. We were 19, and I think he was 28 at the time.
Anyways, after she was kicked out of the military (we joined together) she went back home, and continued to spend time with our friend. One day, she said they were getting married, and I fucking flipped out on her.
I was never invited to the wedding, and it really hurt our friendship.
Granted, 10 years later she told me I was right and he was a loser ever since they’d been married, sometimes she worked 3 jobs to support them because he didn’t work. Sadly… she’s still into drugs and struggling to get a degree at 31, and from what I can tell has a drinking problem.
Point is, your friend is going to do what she wants to do, no matter what you say about it. I would keep my mouth shut and let her make her own mistakes. I’ve always regretted saying something to my friend.
Post # 14
@Nona99: I am nice to him, don’t get me wrong. I’ve even defended him to my fiance and our mutual friends who all don’t like him saying to give him a chance and at least she’s happy. But it’s hard when she’s pretty much pushed everyone out of her life.
His mother (whom is obese and smokes very heavily) was very ill in winter in the hospital. One of our mututal friends (the ONLY one that actually likes him and hangs out with him) mentioned when they couldn’t come to a party that it was probably because she’s so overweight and smokes alot that she wasn’t getting better. The next day I asked my best friend (because the doctors didn’t know why she wasn’t getting better at that point) that me and our other friend were talking and he suggested maybe it was because of her smoking. She then told her boyfriend and he flipped out saying he was going to beat the sh*t out of him and he better never see him again! He’s calmed down since, but he pretty much burned bridges at that point.
As far as the alcohol and drugs, they’re not totally in the past. He sneaks flasks in places and I’ve been told he’s showed up with blood shot eyes and very high to various get togethers.
Post # 15
This guy sounds so much like someone I dated several years ago. I was just like your friend and had low self esteem. He took advantage of that, started pursuing other ladies, and I moved on to bigger and better things. I focused on myself, focused on my career, lost about 40 pounds and really got to the best point I’d ever been at in my life. It was around then that I met my Fiance and things just went up from there.
However, these are things your friend needs to learn for herself. She is not going to listen to concerns from friends about her Fiance. You need to remain there for her and support her the best you can. If she realizes the truth or something bad does happen between them, she will be so glad you’re still there for her.
Post # 16
@Birdiebaby4: I doubt she’s going to be open to anything you have to say but if you say anything, I wouldn’t tell her YOUR opinion so much as ask her about her’s. Ask leading questions to make her talk and think – like, what does she envision her future to be like? What does she want? Can she have it with him? How does she feel about living with the mother, best friend and cats? Don’t be that blunt of course – you have to be diplomatic.
Tread carefully. The truth is is doubtful she’s going to listen to anything you have to say and will get defensive if she feels you’re critisizing her boyfriend and/or pointing out his flaws.