(Closed) My best friend is marrying a loser….

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your friend has to make her own mistakes – you can’t save her from them.

Post # 4
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

My best advice is to stay in her life because she’s going to need you when this all goes to hell, which won’t take long.  You won’t get her to see the light, but in time, she will begin to see for herself that this isn’t what she wants.  Living with his mom, breaking the law, inability to hold down a job… it’s not going to be so easy to overlook when they’re legally bound to each other.  


Keep the lines of communication with her open.  Don’t talk about him too harshly or she’ll back away from you.


Post # 5
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

There’s really not a whole lot you can do except be supportive of her, and have a couch ready for her to crash on when she eventually figures out what a loser d-bag he is.  I’d say you should gently tell her what you’re seeing, but she’s already cut off contact with your fiance for doing that.  I wouldn’t gush over him, you can just say that you respect her choices if she asks.  Just makes sure she knows that she has a place to go to if things don’t go well.

Post # 7
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Birdiebaby4:  Well, you’ve certainly got his number…wonder what he thinks of you?  Point is, you don’t have to live with the guy, she does and keeping score of his failures is a guaranteed method of keeping your opinion of him low, broadening the distance between you and your friend because no one can hide that kind of contempt and essentially dismantling the friendship one awkward, horribly painful moment at a time.

Instead, set yourself and this guy up to succeed.  Ignore the past, it’s in the past, look to the future, focus and celebrate their triumphs, that’s what friends are for, support and love them through the lows and let her decide who is right for her…..

Post # 8
1447 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You can’t control the path people take for themselves.  Just be a good friend and support her in her decisions – it’s totally OK to let her know what you think if she asks, but constantly griping on her choice of beau is just going to push her away.

One of my best friends from high school ended up marrying a loser.  I really tried very hard to be supportive and “there” for her.  When they were dating I mentioned to her that she should be with him for at least six months before they get engaged, and asked questions like, “What hobbies does he have?” (which she couldn’t answer), they got married within six months of meeting.  I busted my butt to go to their wedding reception (their religion doesn’t allow non-member to go to the wedding), and spent over $200 to give them a really nice rice cooker (she had registered for a $30 one that would have broke in three months).  Now she (with her master’s degree) supports him and their daughter on her community college professor’s salary in their condo (which she bought before meeting him) that’s now underwater.  He’s going to school for his undergrad (which she is paying for) and commutes 50 miles one-way for it.  Life is not good for them.

I invited her to be a bridesmaid even though I knew money was tight for them.  I honestly expected her to turn me down, but I cared so much for our friendship and liked her so much that I wanted her to know that I would have loved for her to stand up with me on my wedding day.  I said that I would totally understand if she couldn’t make it out and that we would still be friends.  She said that she could do it, then came up with a laundry list of why her life sucked and how difficult everything is for her.  Then she said she couldn’t wear any of the dresses in the line the other bridesmaids and I picked out (she didn’t provide any input even though I knew she looked) and said she couldn’t be in the wedding.  I am trying to be gracious and considerate to my friends, and am purchasing the gowns they picked within a set criteria.  Two weeks later she said that she and her husband decided to undergo IVF and couldn’t go to the wedding at all, but insisted that I send her an invitation anyway so she could send a “nice gift”, because “that’s what friends do”.  She even had the gall to complain about the wedding date and how it was right before her kid’s birthday (which she wouldn’t have missed anyway) ::shrug::

I chalked it up to a friendship that had run its course.  I was very distressed over it for a while, but am over it now.  She picked her path, and there was nothing I could do to influence her or stop her from making her own poor decisions.

Post # 9
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Unfortunately all you can do is be there for her. We’re adults now and as such, we have to learn from our own mistakes. Hopefully she realizes that this is not a man that she can really build a life with successfully before she legally binds herself to him and it becomes a mess to get out of the situation. Be her shoulder to cry on, but remember that this is her life and her choice. I know it’s hard to watch your best friend to put herself into a situation that she shouldn’t be in (I’m there right now), but you have to let her live her own life. Huge hugs, I know this isn’t easy!

Post # 10
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Does he treat your friend well? Is she happy with him?

Those are the things that should matter to you and that, frankly, are your business.

If the answer to both of those questions is a yes (and it would appear it is), then the rest has nothing to do with you, and honestly isn’t your concern. His job, or his living situation have nothing to do with you, and there could be a lot of details you don’t know, as well. There are a lot of guys with perfect educations, and lots of money who treat their wives and girlfriends like crap too, ya know.

Be her friend, and be supportive of her decisions. They are hers to make, whether they are mistakes or not.

Post # 12
6107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Like PP have said, there isn’t much you can do. Trust me, I know how hard this is!!! My best friend dated a horrible guy (he broke the law, beat her, destroyed the house, etc) and even her knowing that I didn’t like, or that her parents hated him, didn’t matter. She still “loved” him and that was that. I just learned to keep my mouth shut about him and leave when he was at the house. We would hang out when he wasn’t around. If you constantly tell her how you think he’s a loser and what-not she will pull away from you. Hopefully she will eventually see him for what he is and get away, but you can’t do that for her.  

Post # 13
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I made a mistake of opening my mouth like this at a young age.  My BFF (at the time) and I were friends with this guy who we both honestly thought was gay.  He was extremely smart but never went to college because he was above it all.  He went from house to house and never owned his own place, picking up odd jobs here and there.  He was into drugs… mostly pot… but did not have a lot of ambition.  We were 19, and I think he was 28 at the time.

Anyways, after she was kicked out of the military (we joined together) she went back home, and continued to spend time with our friend.  One day, she said they were getting married, and I fucking flipped out on her.

I was never invited to the wedding, and it really hurt our friendship.

Granted, 10 years later she told me I was right and he was a loser ever since they’d been married, sometimes she worked 3 jobs to support them because he didn’t work.  Sadly… she’s still into drugs and struggling to get a degree at 31, and from what I can tell has a drinking problem.

Point is, your friend is going to do what she wants to do, no matter what you say about it.  I would keep my mouth shut and let her make her own mistakes.  I’ve always regretted saying something to my friend.

Post # 15
2684 posts
Sugar bee

This guy sounds so much like someone I dated several years ago.  I was just like your friend and had low self esteem.  He took advantage of that, started pursuing other ladies, and I moved on to bigger and better things.  I focused on myself, focused on my career, lost about 40 pounds and really got to the best point I’d ever been at in my life.  It was around then that I met my Fiance and things just went up from there.


However, these are things your friend needs to learn for herself.  She is not going to listen to concerns from friends about her Fiance.  You need to remain there for her and support her the best you can.  If she realizes the truth or something bad does happen between them, she will be so glad you’re still there for her.

Post # 16
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Birdiebaby4:  I doubt she’s going to be open to anything you have to say but if you say anything, I wouldn’t tell her YOUR opinion so much as ask her about her’s.  Ask leading questions to make her talk and think – like, what does she envision her future to be like?  What does she want?  Can she have it with him?  How does she feel about living with the mother, best friend and cats?  Don’t be that blunt of course – you have to be diplomatic. 

Tread carefully.  The truth is is doubtful she’s going to listen to anything you have to say and will get defensive if she feels you’re critisizing her boyfriend and/or pointing out his flaws.

Good luck.

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