(Closed) My best friend is my fiance’s cousin’s mistress……MOH or not?

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
48 posts

                                 She may be your best friend, but here is a time to consider the feelings of your new family. The cousin’s wife is not likely to keep quiet about this if she sees her as your Maid/Matron of Honor, and you really don’t need that drama and bad feelings beginning your marriage.

Post # 4
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Holy crap. Your post has made me think back on all the soap opera stuff the gals on here have gone through, and I thinkwe should all collaborate and write a book:

"Worst Case Scenario: Wedding help for even the craziest of situations"

Seriously – lol. We are some tough ladies to deal with all this stuff!

Okay anyway about you’re sitch. Yikes. Well I think you have weigh out the pros and cons.  Friend. Pro. Dating married man. Con. Do you not cherish her still as a friend even though her situation changed?

Seriously, just like Jr High wen you crushed on two boys, list pros and cons. If her discretion with this man is the only con….I say don’t boot her because of it. It could ruin you’re friendship all together.

She’ll be at the wedding anyway, right? Better to have her sitting by you at the head table, then out on the floor with the wife….KWIM?  Your chances of drama are just as good with her in the wedding the not I think.


Keep us updated. Oh and if that doens’t work threaten then with a tazer – Rojo can tell you where to get one in your wedding colors….;-) 

Post # 5
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think your fiance’s cousin needs to own up to his marriage or do the right thing and divorce his wife if he loves your bff.  With that said, I don’t think his wife would ever tell a soul about her cheating husband and the mistress(s), especially at your wedding (tacky).  Its probably easy for me to say this..but your friend and the wife needs to boot him to the side, no man should have two women fight over them (especially when it sounds like he’s no saint). I would keep her in the party..you say so yourself, if it was not for your fiance’s cousin’s infidelity, she’d be in the wedding. 

Post # 6
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

If she’s still your friend despite whatever she does, then in my opinion it’s not a question.  I would run it by the Fiance first and get his take though.  If he’s ok with it, then that’s life for the cousin’s wife. 

If she knows about it and is staying with him, that’s her choice.  This is your and your FI’s wedding, so your Maid/Matron of Honor is your choice.  You love the person, not the actions and it’s not fair for you to be made to choose.  Heck, if she divorced her husband for cheating then she wouldn’t even be at your wedding, so she can’t expect you to drop a friend of that long over her situation.  Plus, if she knows and is staying with him, she won’t cause a scene because then everyone would know and talk about it.

I guess that sounds harsh, and I don’t condone cheating, but people have to make their own choices in life and you can’t be responsible for her staying any more than you are responsible for your friend’s actions.

Post # 7
88 posts
Worker bee

I wouldn’t want a mistress of anyone in my wedding party… I think I  would feel that is betraying me as a (future) wife…

Post # 8
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s good of you to stand by your friend, but be serious.  You may fall "in love" with someone who is not available, but you don’t just fall into bed with them.  Your friend and her boyfriend are seriously in the wrong.  And your friend should really think about her position – because the one thing you all know about this man, even if he eventually leaves his wife for her, is that he cheats. 

Ideally you could invite either your friend or your FI’s cousin and wife, but not both.  If you somehow have to have them all, I would definately sit them waaaay apart from each other.  And since you can at least talk to your friend about this, let her know the she and her boyfriend need to seriously conduct themselves in a reasonable manner, whatever you think that would be (I would say no flirting, no dancing, no particularly interacton for the duration of the event).  If you can get her to agree to that, I don’t see why it is a problem to have her at the wedding. 

As far as being in the bridal party, whatever enemies you are going to make on your FI’s side of the room, you will probably make as soon as they see her up there.  You probably just need to discuss that with your Fiance.  If it is going to cause family problems for years to come, I would think that your friend should be mature enough to understand that it is her own actions that put her in a position that makes it difficult at best for you to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  You can maybe give her another job.  I would NOT suggest having her do a reading at the service…

Post # 9
28 posts
  • Wedding: July 2008

  I don’t know how much time you have between your engagement and your wedding – but I’m thinking… that a lot can happen in a couple of months.   If you can – I’d wait on it – and just not make a decision about it right now and see how it all plays out in the next few months.   

I don’t know if this has been on-going – or if everyone recently found out about this indiscretion – but again, a lot can happen in a short amount of time…  If this is a new development – I would definately wait to see what happens…. maybe the cousin and his wife get a divorce, maybe cousin goes back to his wife and dumps your friend, maybe your whole family finds out and wants to burn your friend at the stake(in which case i’d forego asking her to be a BM)….. maybe they don’t burn her at the stake – but they burn her house down… and someone goes to jail…. ok… maybe that won’t happen (hopefully!).  But i would just wait to make the decision until you are about 6 or so months away (so you can still order Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses)… but you don’t have to make this decision right after getting engaged.

Anyway, keep us updated! And good luck!! That’s a tough one!

Post # 10
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

How close is your FH with his cousin?

There needs to be a "come to jesus" meeting on both sides, if you know what I mean. You sit her down and give her a good ‘wake the hell up’ bitch slap. And he sits his cousin down to tell him to be a man and stop acting like a twat and start being a gentleman.

As far as your girl as your Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid…. you need to wait on that. And if she asks you, you tell her EXACTLY why your hesitant.

This girl is your close friend, but she’s making some seriously horrible choices and straining your relationship with your new family. NOT COOL!!!!

Sadly, I have a feeling your friend feeds on drama like this and probably has a history of picking unavailable men. Who am I to say that for sure, but it’s just a hunch.

This is your wedding, and the last thing you want is to be nervous and pandering to other peoples comfort levels during the entire wedding process.

It will steal your joy.

Post # 11
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree with MsIndecisive.  If I had a friend who was part of something like that I would not support it.  There is no excuse for it…

Post # 12
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I would not have your friend in your wedding party.  Her actions are hurting a member of your new family.  Having her up there with you tells your new family that you "aren’t on their side."  (I am simplifying…) You are able to tell your friend, who is close enough to you to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, that while you love her and want to keep being friends with her – weddings are about family and you simply cannot have her in the wedding party but would like her to come as a guest.  And, if there is any chance that she will be a part of any poor behavior at your wedding than I’d ask her to not ruin your special day.  Perhaps she should even attend just the ceremony as there is less interaction at the reception.

She chose to be a mistress.  That is fine; you accept her the way she is.  However, being a mistress means you have to make a lot of sacrifices, and this is one of them.  Definition of mistress isn’t having your cake and eating it too.  And in this case, it is going to include wedding cake. 

Post # 13
21 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

I completely understand your situation, she’s a LONG TIME friend and although her morals are no where to be found at the moment(trying to be nice) she’s still your best friend. I think the best way to go is to be honest with her, she must know that she’s putting you in a tough situation. You also have to think of not just what your fiance’s cousin’s wife (whew mouth full!) would say but your fiance’s family as well. Most people have ZERO tolerance for that situation. As unfortunate as it is you’ll be associated with whole fiasco if you do make her Maid/Matron of Honor. Not a good way to start your new lives together! I know this decision is hard but I advise telling her that due to her personal relationship choices it’s a serious conflict for your wedding & therefore you can’t take a chance on her. How does your fiance feel about all this?

Post # 14
1 posts

  Oh my goodness! I completely sympathize with you! Someone in my family got married and had to deal with one of her girlfriend’s having an affair with her fiance’s best man. Fortunately, She spoke to her friend about this and the friend agreed it would be best not to be at the wedding.

  It is too much drama and every bride and groom deserve to have THEIR DAY. To have your best friend in you wedding party (while she is making poor emotional choices for herself), well, it is something you do not need to be associated with at your wedding in front of your new family.  It is time to put yourself and your new husband first.  Do not allow other’s bad decisions and actions to affect your day. Do not invite her…but be honest and tell her you still care, but she has put you in a very awkward situation and you DO NOT need to upset your new family. Zero Tolerance. And be very happy!!! Best of everything to you! 🙂

Post # 15
35 posts
  • Wedding: August 2008

wow. what a crazy situation. This is really hard I’m sure since she’s your best friend… but still. You’re about to become a wife!

As was mentioned before- she chose to be mistress and that requires sacrifices and I think this should be one of them. Unfortunately, you’d have to sacrifice as well by not having your best girl standing up for you. But if you chose her, you’ll end up paying for her mistakes when your new family resents your choice. And i’m sure more people know than you or she think knows- do you really want that to be what people are thinking about or talking about at YOUR wedding?

She’s your friend now but if she continues in her adulterous relationship you might find yourself feeling differently about her as you start married life.Obviously you don’t think she’s doing right but I think your love for her is clouding your judgement- I don’t think you’d ever be thinking ‘the heart wants what it wants’ if you found out your husband had a mistress! I don’t mean to be harsh. But she’s putting you in a terrible position.

Post # 16
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

i feel for you right now. this is a hard call to make.

Definitely talk to your FH about this and find out how he feels, what he thinks, how close id the family? how close is he to this cousin.

ask him if his family would have issue with her being a part of the bp.

i know she is your best friend…….at the same time you are about become a member of an entire new family…some sensitivity here could make your life that much easier down the road.

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