Post # 1
So, a few hours ago I learned that my very best friend of 15 years just lost her baby. She was in her first trimester and is devestated. Her first pregnancy was one that girls dream about and she felt confident telling her friends and family that her and her husband were expecting with theri 2nd child. After a long talk and crying together I would like any advice on what to do to help. So far I’ve just listened and expressed my sadness. For ladies out there who may have anyexperience with this, do you have any advice? One of my gf’s suggested we should make some meals for them that they can just heat up. I don’t know if that’s appropriate?I know that this is an traditional when someone loses a friend/family member but I don’t want to be overbearing. I want to give her and her hubby time to mourn their loss but I don’t want to belittle the situation either. Another friend suggested flowers, but I kind of feel like flowers are more for a happy occassion. So looks like I’ll just lay low, but any advice would be appreciated.
Post # 3
Having just gone through a MC I would have appreciated both! I know that immediately following I didn’t feel like doing anything…least of all cook. My husband was basically fending for both of us because I was too busy trying to hold it together (which most of the time I failed at lol). I also really appreciated my friends’ time. I had two friends come over and one of them brought breakfast, the other brought movies to have a movie day and I thought both were really nice.
I’m so sorry for your friend, you’re a great friend to be so concerned!
Post # 4
That is awful. So sorry for you friend’s loss. I think mostly just being there for her when she needs to talk/cry/yell whatever is great. The meal idea would be nice too. I have never experienced this myself before but had a good friend who did. All of us girls in our group made up some different meals, enough for a couple weeks and dropped them off with a card.
Hope that helps.
Post # 5
I think flowers would be nice.
When I had my m/c I went through highs and lows. I think it is important to be there for her, maybe suggest coming over to hang out, or going out somewhere together. If she doesn’t want to go, she will say no, but it might lift her spirits to spend time with a friend and get out of the house.
Post # 6
Meals would be greatly appreciated, as would the flowers. Other than that, just follow her lead. I am sure she will let you know what she needs. For me, I wanted to be left alone, but others want to be surrounded by loved ones.
I am so sorry for her.
Post # 7
I think just being there when she wants to talk about it is the best thing. When I had my m/c, I felt like I was repeating myself sometimes in regards to my feelings, but I was just trying to process everything. I would also go from appearing to be fine to sobbing in a matter of minutes.
I also wanted to be alone, so I avoided everyone for a few weeks, besides my family. So maybe just let her know that you will be there whenver she needs you, in whatever capacity she wants.
Also, maybe one thing you could do is help play intermediary in the future. One of the hardest parts of my grief was having to deal with other pregnant women around me. I had a few friends that were pregnant, and it was SO HARD for me to be around them. I was happy for them, but their pregnant bellies made me SO INCREDIBLY SAD for myself. So I basically avoided them for about 8 weeks, and then I just met up with them in small doses (a dinner out or a quick meet up). So maybe if you know that she is going to be spending time with another pregnant person, see how she feels about it and just be there for her, so you can help change the subject or distract her if she gets teary eyed.
Unfortunately, this is such a sad time, and there’s not much that makes it better, except time.
Post # 8
Ditto to everything that @Hopingtobe said. I went through those exact same emotions and stages when I had a m/c.
I would reach out to her frequently and let her know you are there for her. I second offering to do non-baby related stuff. Offer to go for drinks, a movie, a hike, shopping, etc.
Post # 9
Thanks for the great advice ladies!
Post # 10
@nickels: My friend just lost her baby as well…. 2 weeks before the due date. She was devesated and i was at a loss of what to do. When i look back at it I was so hurt and confused as to how to help her, but its simple…just be there.
I spent the weekend with her (I was out of town) I bought her some groceries and some meals and we just watched movies all weekend.
I know she was really thankful for that.,
Post # 11
@nickels: I have never gone through this but my best friend has. She decided to wait an entire year to tell me because she hadn’t told anyone but her husband that she was pregnant to begin with.
She is still devastated about it! I wish she had told me when it happend because I swear I would have taken her under my wing…I would have cooked for her, brought her flowers, chocolate, prayerd with her…held her! I feel so terribly for her:(
Now I feel like because she never got that…that’s kind of why she is still not even 50% over it. She had her husband by her side but he too was a wreck—so they were just kinda suffering together:(((
I hope none of us ever have to go through that. Ever. And my heart goes out to all that have. Lots of love!
Post # 12
@Baileyh: Oh, that too. My mom’s friend had a baby pass away a few weeks from the due date as well…I can imagine that is even harder!
And they had a fureral and people came and brought flowers and food and basically had the visitation part….as well as the burial because the fetus was so big (4.3lbs)
Obviously it’s NOT that far along in your friend’s situation but to bring flowers and food is just as normal with a miscarriage as it would be for any death. Again: my heart & prayers with your dear friend!
Post # 13
Oh I just thought of something else. I know you mentioned that her first pregnancy was really easy. Does she have a small child now? My Mother-In-Law had a MC when my husband was 2 years old and she told me that it was really hard for her because she had to take care of her son (my DH) while she was grieving. Maybe offer to babysit her child, take them to your house or out for an afternoon? That way she could have time by herself or with her partner without having to worry about taking care of the little one.