- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2009
So, I see several posts on here frequently with people worried about their best friend/sister/cousin/etc. getting married to the wrong person. Had this happen with my best friend from high school — we’re no longer as close, but I still feel bad that it happened.
First, he was joining the military, so they rushed into marriage. Brief engagement (<6 months). The first time Darling Husband and I met him (she’s a mutual friend), this guy was totally cold and standoffish. We were sitting on the patio at a local restaurant talking — this was after they were engaged — and he got bored with our conversation so he called up a friend to join us at the restaurant and didn’t engage in convercation with either of us practically at all. She was head over heels for him, but we both just had a really weird vibe that this guy, on top of being rude and inconsiderate, was just bad news.
However, I didn’t want to be “that friend” to voice my concerns (especially since I didn’t know the guy all that well) and figured she was an adult and could make her own decisions.
About 9 months into their marriage, she found out they were expecting. After the baby came, I later found out that he was completely annoyed by their son and she couldn’t leave the baby home with him because he would refuse to change his diaper and seemed at least somewhat neglectful. Awful, but didn’t seem entirely abusive.
They were married for a little over four years. She just re-established contact with me after about 18 months of having no contact (she deleted her Facebook and switched cell phone numbers to get away from this guy). She is really hurt that people had concerns about this guy and didn’t say anything. My worst fears were confirmed, as I found out he physically assaulted her on more than one occasion, as well as their toddler. She e-mailed me the documents she’s forwarding as evidence for the divorce, and it was really depressing to actually see the scenarios on paper.
She’s also really hurt that no one tried to help her before she got into the marriage. I now feel guilty for not speaking up. I had no idea this guy would abuse her, I just got that “yikes, this guy seems like bad news” when I was around him, as well as hearing some of the stories about him during their engagement. I’ve apologized to her, but I still don’t know if I would’ve spoken up back then. Obviously, hindsight is 20/20, and I wish I would’ve known sooner to help her get out of this awful marriage.
Has anyone ever spoke up to a friend or family member who seemed to be marrying someone that was “bad news?” How was the information received? Knowing her, I honestly don’t know if my opinion back then really would have swayed her from getting married. I feel like this is a moment that I really regret not acting, but also not sure that my action would’ve prevented this outcome (given that I didn’t know he was abusive until they separated).