(Closed) I’ve been put in a tough situation!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Who would you pick to attend the wedding?

    Your cousin

    Your best friend

    Torn like me because this is ridiculous!!!

  • Post # 17
    7774 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    They broke up 10 YEARS ago? I agree with the others. Tell her to put on her big girl panties and shut up. If she was a really good friend, she would deal with it for one night. She needs to get over it.

    Post # 18
    78 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    if sshe decided the fight is more important than your friendship, i say, go find better friends!

    Post # 19
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Yikes – that sucks.  

    First – I know it’s been a decade – but, she was hurt deeply and I can TOTALLY understand why she wouldn’t want to be around him or his new Girlfriend.  

    Second – it’s time for her to make a decision.  From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like she’s able to be your Maid/Matron of Honor – given the circumstances.  Did she expect you to not invite your cousin?

    If I were you – I’d empathize with your friend, telling her that you understand why she wouldn’t want to be around the Girlfriend – but, you aren’t uninviting her either.  Tell her that you really want her with you on your wedding day, but will understand if she decides not too.

    I can definitely feel for your friend – and I think perhaps she is furious because she thinks you are not taking her feelings into consideration.  That said, make sure she knows you understand – and let her make the decision.  You don’t need to be in the middle of this kind of drama!

    Post # 20
    1129 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would like to second the post written by @amberdawn – I totally get that people feel like in ten years she “shouldn’t” be upset anymore, but this ‘fight’ involved her entire life and that of an innocent child.  We dont’ have much information here and everyone is jumping on the ‘get over it’ bandwagon – which is pretty harsh in my opinion.  Her life was turned upside down by the two people she likely loved and trusted most.

    As her friend, and considering she is your Maid/Matron of Honor I’m making an assumption that she is a very close/best friend, I really think that before you sent an invite to your cousin, you should have discussed this with both of them.  And honestly, I think your cousin could have left the ‘new’ girl at home and that would have solved a lot of this issue for you.

    If you really care about her the way you say you do, I would tread lightly and talk to her about this again not in context of the wedding but how she feels about her situation and what happened.  It’s much more than putting on her big girl panties and getting over it from the sounds of things.

    Post # 21
    1154 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think it would absolutely depend on the circumstances.  If this is the father of my child and he doesn’t support his child, if he left me for my best friend – thus ripping my heart apart from two directions – I would not attend a social function that he was attending with the girl that used to be my best friend.  Frankly, I probably wouldn’t stay friends with anyone who stayed friends with him let alone invited him to their wedding.  Some fights deserve the picking of sides. 

    You’re making the decision that your wedding day is more important than her feelings – fair enough.  She gets to make the decision that her mental health is more important than your wedding.  I think declaring her a bad friend for not coming to the wedding under these circumstances is unfair.

    Post # 22
    1129 posts
    Bumble bee


    Agreed again. 

    Post # 23
    814 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    ugh, your Maid/Matron of Honor needs to grow up, i mean really, acting crazy won’t win him back! invite your cousin and you moh, if your that important to her than she will suck it up for a few hours! tell her now though, tell her that you are inviting them, and that they prob wont stay long, ask her to suck it up for a just a few hours!!

    Post # 24
    519 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2008

    HA! Ask your Maid/Matron of Honor what kind of example she is setting for her son. Does he really need 2 parents who aren’t seeting a good example? Your cousin was a D1ck. End of story. She needs to get over it. How many highschool relationships work out? Not many.Your Maid/Matron of Honor just really needs to grow up and act like an adult.

    Honestly, I am kind of going through the same crap, just not as messy. My sister and Maid/Matron of Honor dated Hubs’ cousing and BMan. Well, their relationship ended badly and she is still pretty bitter about it over a year later, but she is 21 and is willing to suck it up and wear her big girl panties and put my wedding first. Of course, we will have BMan at the altar with Hubs and my sis will walk with someone (ANYONE) else because I don’t want to cause drama. BMan will be bringing his Girlfriend. I had hoped my sister would be in a relationship too, but that didn’t work out. I am letting her bring a date though, I can suck it up too and let her at least have a good time with a date if she can put aside all the hurt from her failed relationship.

    Post # 26
    365 posts
    Helper bee

    Hmm, that’s a tough one.

    I personally wouldn’t have let my cousin bring his gf.  I know they are together with a child, but still.  That way your Maid/Matron of Honor would be a bit more comfortable, and your cousin still gets to attend.  If he’s iffed about not having his gf come then just be up front with him “hey, you shouldn’t have left my Maid/Matron of Honor for her then”.  Cousins are family, you can get that way with family right? 😉  In fact, the wedding hasn’t happened yet, you could still do that!


    It’s easy to say that Maid/Matron of Honor should put on big girl panties.  But that’s a really hard one. She probably feels very torn.  It obviously hurts her a lot after all these years.  


    I would always put my BFF before my cousin.  That’s just me.

    Post # 27
    221 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    To all of you who said you wouldn’t have invited his girlfriend, would that change if she were his wife? They live together, have a daughter together and have been together for awhile – for all intents and purposes, they are married without a ring. To not invite someone’s wife or husband is not only extremely rude no matter how you feel about them, but also a HUGE etiquette faux-pas.

    @Tammy, I think you are doing the right thing in sticking to your guns on this one. Your best friend is there to support YOU and if she can’t even do that, she is not a friend worth having. If she is still so extremely upset about the situation 10 years later, she needs to work on herself and go to counselling. That is a lonnnnng time to carry around such negativity. This is about her and her only, and her inability to put the past IN THE PAST for 5 hours to support her best friend. And she’s trying to bring you down with her, so she doesnt feel bad.

    Post # 28
    10844 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think you need to have a serious talk with your best friend here. This is nearly verbatim to what I said to Future Mother-In-Law regarding Future Father-In-Law (divorced, nasty relationship but I believe most of the hard feelings are on her side, he’s remarried): I’m not asking you to hold hands and be best friends for the day. You need to breathe the same air for 8 hours over the course of a day. You don’t have to talk, you don’t have to eat at the same table, you just have to be in the same room. This day is not about your issues and problems, it is about Fiance and I, so if you can’t put this aside for us for one day you need to think about whether or not you should join us.

    I’m sorry her relationship with your cousin didn’t work out, but not every relationship is for life. Some work out, some don’t. It’s not that she should “get over it”, it’s that she needs to move on. I can imagine that living your life in a constant state of anger over what could have been would be really volatile and depressing. As tough as it may be for her, she really needs to try to put those things aside and focus on you for your wedding day. I think it may also be a good idea for her to seek some counselling.

    Post # 29
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2008

    Your Maid/Matron of Honor needs to grow up.  She might not like his Girlfriend being there, but he is your cousin and this woman is his Girlfriend and they have a child together! not inviting her would be incredibly rude and childish on your part.  Your Maid/Matron of Honor has no right to dictate who you invite, and needs to find a way to deal with this.  IF she can’t figure out how to be there for you on your wedding day, that is pretty selfish.

    Post # 30
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Wow.  You should invited your friend and cousin and his girlfriend because its your wedding and those are the people you want to be at your wedding.  If your friend is so petty that she can’t suck it up for a day – then that is her problem, not yours. 

    Post # 31
    6659 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I’m gonig to try not to get too judgy here with my response. It’s not your fault your BFF got pregnant and your cousin left her. And it’s also not your fault he’s shacked up with her ex-BFF and managed to get her pregnant too. I mean, have they ever heard of birth control? Sorry, judgy.

    Those are decisions they all made on their own as pre-teens and/or adults. So you don’t have to choose one of them to be ‘loyal’ to, and they shouldn’t ask you to take sides. They should understand that you have a right and an obligation to invite both your BFF and your Cousin to your wedding and both of them with a plus-one. Honestly, the person at fault here is your BFF for putting you in a position where you have to choose instead of sucking it up out of love and respect for you.

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