Post # 32
Um, not to be harsh about your best friend but… she needs to close that chapter. Its just not healthy to harbor sooooo much resentment still. The damage is done, she is doing herself (and her child) a disservice by still being upset about it. And trying to fight someone everytime she sees them? That’s not cool at all! That being said, you deserve to have them both there. Your cousin and your best friend. So I’d invite them both. If your Maid/Matron of Honor decides she can’t handle it, well, that’s pretty telling of where her priorities and loyalties lay. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this kinda crap, it shouldn’t be happening.
Post # 33
So, they have children that are siblings? Cousins gf is pretty much her sons step-mom? And she still tries to fight this woman? Ugh.
I understand the compassion for her feelings, I really do. But this isn’t a bbq or a dinner party. This is an event. Your event. She’s entangled her issues into your family. How does the rest of the family feel about it? Has cousins mother weighed in on this? Just curious, bc in my family it would be family comes first, end of story.
I really do think she’s being self-absorbed. There are going to be many many occasions that she’s going to have to deal with these people if there are children involved, and as much as she might not like it or it might hurt, she’s gonna have to learn to suck it up.
Post # 34
My general rule of thumb when someone tries to ‘make me choose’ is choose against them. In my experience, usually the person pushing for a choice turns out to be the selfish one, and the one trying to keep the peace is the one more worth my time and energy in the long run. Generally.
However, in this case if I were you, I would tell her “Look, it’s my wedding. He’s my cousin. I’m sorry it didn’t work out and that you still struggle with it, but it’s time to be an adult, for my sake. You are my friend and I would love to have you at my wedding, but it is my wedding and I will invite my family and their significant others. If you honestly can’t be happy for me and just stear clear of them… I’m asking that you not make a scene at my wedding, not that you make her your new bff. If you honestly can’t behave like a rational adult for my sake, then you’ve already made my choice for me.”
Post # 35
Invite them both. If one of them don’t want to come because of the other, it’s their issue NOT yours. It’s your day, and your Maid/Matron of Honor has to decide what’s more important to her: you (her best friend), or an old relationship she hasn’t moved on from.
Post # 36
@tobin- it was hard for me to choose my BFF over my cousin because family always comes first for me and I feel like it is out of etiquette to tell a guest who they cannot invite, it was so hard for me to have to tell her that he was bringing his gf, she freaked out on me and said I was pretty much fcked up for ‘letting’ her go
I’ve been telling her to move on from it but she obviously needs some kind of counseling for this. She already made her decision not to attend my wedding and im sad about it but more mad about the fact that she is being selfish in the most important time in my life.
@missscarlet- the whole family thinks she’s crazy, they thinks its ridiculous that she is still upset up to this day, 10 yrs is a long time, every time she tries to play that ‘if the tables were turned’ card, I tell her I would absolutely stick it out for her, I do know now where our friendship stands. She is making it seem like im putting her on the spot and letting him win, i dont understand how he is winning, this is not a game
Ugh, the wedding is in 25 days, im hoping she will have a change of heart but I highly doubt it
Post # 37
I have to good friends that I set up and then recenty broke up. They were going to be going to my Destination Wedding, thank god they hadnt bought tickets yet!
I asked her if she minded if I invited him before I set out any invites.
In your case you’ve already sent out the invites I think they should have to deal with who is going.
Does you cus know how she feels about the his g/f being at the wedding? if not maybe he would not bring his g/f knowing how much it would upset your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 38
@mishalleez- I spoke to my cousin about the situation and reminded him of how much it still hurts my BFF and he was shocked that she is being selflish and not thinking of me on my wedding day. He doesnt see a problem at all with bringing his gf, i was hoping he was going to say he would go solo but he isnt.
Post # 39
No offense but I would have been shocked if your cousin had considered the feelings of your BFF. From what you’ve written on this post he never considered the feelings of your BFF to begin with. He didn’t see a problem with sleeping with your BFF, impregnating her and then cheating on her with her BFF so why would he consider her feelings at your wedding?
I cannot agree with the majority of the people on here who say your BFF should suck it up, put on “big girl panties”, etc. It’s very easy to judge when you haven’t been in the situation. Being your Maid/Matron of Honor is a big job. I’ve been a Maid/Matron of Honor before and it takes a lot of time, commitment, love and money to hold that position. Most likely if your BFF is doing that for you then she really cares about you and values your friendship. She is not a bad friend because she realizes that having the cheating BFF there would be hard for her. Being a Maid/Matron of Honor is tough enough because she carries the weight of the bride on the wedding day and tries her hardest to make sure that the bride is happy, that everything goes as expected and that she’s a comfort to you. Now on top of that, she has to deal with mess that your Cousin started. I don’t care if it was 10 years ago. Sometimes time does not heal all wounds especially when it’s dealing with children, betrayal and deep hurt.
If she really is your friend and means that much to you then you should consider her feelings and her perspective. This is obviously really hard for her and she is going to feel embarrassed and probably a little hurt at your wedding. It’s your day but she’s a friend hopefully for life. I really hope that she makes the best choice for her.
Post # 40
Frankly, I wouldn’t invite either. Not that my family is perfect, but I wouldn’t invite someone that did that, to a wedding of all places, since they clearly have issues regarding making a commitment to someone – I’m not a believer that family necessarily get the benefit of the doubt over a friend. And I wouldn’t invite her if; she’s right to be hurt but she needs to move on.
If I set them up and I had to pick though, I’d go with the friend, imho.
Post # 41
@thebriz- I dont feel like because the fact that I set them up that I have to deal with the aftermath of it all. All I know is that I would suck anything up for my friends wedding, doesnt matter what it is. People make mistakes in life,we are human and have to move on from it, thats what life is all about. Its not right to put this pressure on me in a happy time in my life