(Closed) My best friend’s fiance cheated on her at his bachelor party!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am on the ‘say nothing’ side. First, you have no proof…Second, you’d be breaking your SO’s confidence…and third, I can just envision a can of worms opening up with stories about your guy (true or not) and how does he know what went on in the private room unless he was in there too. It is a crappy situation to be in and I’m so sorry you’re going through this….Good luck!

Post # 138
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

say nothing, you werent there. you would be passing on gossip. because YOU WERENT THERE. plus your FH told you in confidience.

not your relationship, not your marriage. you say to yourself you would want someone to tell you if it was you, but really would you? and would you even believe them? or would you get mad because you are spreading stuff you dont even know about.

let it go.

if it is REALLY bothering you talk to your FH and figure something out. but its not your place to say something about it because i repeat YOU WERENT THERE so you dont really know if any of it really happened.

Post # 139
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Excellent point, spaganya!

Post # 140
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

If my boyfriend were out with his buddies and one of the guys there reported back that he had cheated I would not consider it gossip if his girlfriend found her heart and let me know.  If the cashier at Stop and Shop heard from her cousin’s friends sister’s bartender that he had cheated then I would consider it gossip.  Valuable gossip that needed to be investigated.

Washing your hands of such a serious accusation (STDs people! And no, I don’t mean save the date Surprised) just because your information comes from a trusted source that was there at the time and not from your own vision is the wrong thing to do, imo.

OH, and YES I would want to know if that was my guy.  Whether or not I believed it isn’t the point, to me, because at least I could protect myself while trying to find out if it was true.  But to risk my health/happiness/divorce rate by not telling me is worse than me freaking out if it’s true or not – but I would never get mad at the messenger.

Post # 141
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I actually agree with what Mr. Bee said about deciding together with your SO what the best course of action is. He told you that information in confidence, you two should decide together what the best course of action is. And since he’s the one who has the info first hand, he should probably have more of a say about what to do with it.

In the situation I described in my earlier post, my DH heard about it straight from the source, so I sort of took a backseat in the decision, even though the Girlfriend was my friend. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t know about it, so I felt like it was his decision to make. Regardless, we talked about it in private and made the decision together that it was best to keep it to ourselves. So far, 3 years later it’s turned out to be the right decision since the guy in question really did learn from his mistake and made a big turnaround all while not jeapordizing his relationship (which resulted in marriage).

Post # 142
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I actually really, really disagree with Mr.Bee (sorry!) but your SO put you in a really tough position by asking you to keep something confidential before disclosing what it was. If your SO wanted you to keep the info about “Doug” to yourself, I can see no reason he shared it other than to diffuse his own feelings regarding what took place at the strip club. If your SO wanted you to do absolutely nothing with the info he shared with you, he shouldn’t have shared it with you.

I don’t think this needs to be handled as a team in order to maintain trust. IMO, your SO was unfairly asking you to keep info to yourself. It’s not right to ask someone to keep something confidential before you disclose what it is. Asking someone to keep a secret afterwards is fine (knowing they might not agree). But how did your SO possibly expect you to commit to secrecy without knowing what you were committing to? It seems like any talk of breaching trust between you and your SO for telling your friend is irrelevant. 

Post # 143
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m sorry, but he did cheat…are you telling me that sucking on the nipple of someone who is your SO is not cheating?  I’m sure my Fiance would think so.  Also, I don’t care where SHE put his HAND…he could have pulled away.

 

I’m not sure if you should tell or not…that’s a tough one, because you’re right…you’re most likely going to lose a friend either way.

Post # 144
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@spaganya: Well said!

You absolutely were not there, and none of the guys were either. So Doug coming out and blurting out something while he was drunk doesn’t necessarily make it true. If she already knows that her Fiance came home from a strip club with hickies on his neck before, she has to know something is up. They don’t just magically appear.

I also agree with Mr. Bee. Your SO trusted you and confided in you. In no way should you take that lightly either. I think talking with him and making that decision together is also the right way to go.

But, believe me…if she is still with him after him coming home with concrete proof (the hickies) that he had done something with another female, she certainly isn’t going to leave him over hearsay at the bar. He talked his way out of it before, and he’ll do it again. My vote is to not say anything.

Post # 145
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@roxy821: Apparently the “no touching” rules aren’t always enforced.  I’ve never been to a strip club… but I’ve heard this from old guy friends who have.

Post # 146
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, this puts you in a tough place.

Here are my thoughts.  Your boyfriend told you something trusting you, and thinking that you wouldn’t tell.  You feel as though you have an obligation to your friend to tell her what happened. Right?

Can you talk to your boyfriend about it?  I would say you definitely don’t want to just go tell her everything without first informing your boyfriend of that.  That would totally break trust between the two of you.  Can you sit down with him and explain how you feel as though she deserves to know. How you feel in a tough place, cause now you are carrying the weight of knowing what happened. Maybe if you explain things to him, then he will better understand and will be ok with you telling.  Or at least “deal with you telling”.

If he does not understand, that puts you in a really tough place where you have to decide which is more important.  Do you feel as though you owe that to her more, or to your boyfriend more.  I agree with other bees out there, I would definitely want to know if it was my Fiance.  But, I also understand that you’re in a tough place and the decision falls on you.

Post # 147
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would talk to my boyfriend about what he told me and explain that I was uncomfortable with the knowledge. I would be questioning my boyfriend. I would find it hard to trust him because I might begin to think he thought it was okay to cheat as long as the other person doesnt find out..

Post # 148
Member
2371 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Ok first of all you said that she was like a sister to you, throughout your whole post I kept this in mind. In life we are always faced with though choices and in extreme cases like this sometimes we need to put aside every thing we feel and fear and look at the bigger picture. The fact that this person you love is about to marry someone who cheats with STRIPPERS send shivers down my spine. This puts her at risk for STD’s, a divorce and all kind of hurt later down the road but you already know that.

I think personally the dynamics of your friendship have already changed. So the whole risk the friendship isn’t really an excuse because really what kind of friendship can you  have with someone when your constantly sympathizing for her. I honestly wouldn’t want that type of friendship and find it a bit ingenuine.

I’m not sure that I would tell her directly but I KNOW one way or the other I was going  to get this information to her so she can make an informed choice of who she choose to share the rest of her life with. She may (as is most likely the case) know the character of the man already, but if it this one additional piece of information would open up her eyes and possible save her in the end I absolutely think its worth a shot even at the expense of your friendship.

Ofcourse I could sit here behind a computer thousands of miles away and scream to you TELL HER, but how you do that is no easy task. I think if this girl is really like a sister to you then you should sit down with your bf and discuss the severity of the situation and how important it is that she spends the rest of her life with someone who loves and respects her. Talk to your boyfriend about this, explain that the goal is she needs to know the man who she is marrying. I would even suggest you both confronting  Doug first. He’ll probably be more incline to confess if he knows you know. Of course he can deny it in front of both of all. At least your boyfriend will know the quality of his friend.

The bottom line is if Tina is really like a sister to you, then you just can’t sit back and watch her blindly agree to give her life to someone who doesn’t love or respect her as his actions have shown.

Post # 150
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree 100% with picturemeurs.

I would also like to add that if I ever found out my best friend had hidden something so important from me, I would never trust her or look at her the same way again.

I understand not wanting to upset your boyfriend… but I also know that my FH would never force me to keep something significant from a friend or family member. It seems like your guy would rather cover his own ass than do the right thing here, which is unfortunate. I think a talk with him would be best, and if he still refuses to understand your point of view… well, if he was my FH, I’d be worried.

Post # 151
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

View original reply
@picturemeurs: I have to say I totally agree.

 I can completely see PP veiws of saying telling her wont get you anywhere. It might not get YOU anywhere but it WILL get her somewhere. Common ladies, if someone told you that your Fiance cheated on you and this person was like a sister, wouldn’t you take SOMETHING that she said into considaration??? As woman ourselves we need to give all woman more credit then that. We are not that dumb!!! She may take him back but she WONT trust him. Even if she acts like it. In her heart she knows the truth. And so do you. You both can’t deny the truth and pretend like it never happened. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

 Ask your SO if Tina were to cheat and you told him about it but made him swear not to tell Doug how would that make him feel???

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