Post # 152
Ignoring what you heard from your boyfriend, do you really support Tina’s relationship with Doug? Maybe the way to approach things with her is to say that you felt really uncomfortable with the way she was approached about strip clubs and lap dances. If Doug goes against her wishes (I know she SAID he could go, but it seems she really didn’t want to) is that really respecting her? Ask her about what she hopes for in her relationship and about what kinds of things will be acceptable in their marriage.
To make this non-selfish, you need to be concerned with her and her future. If she really thinks that Doug will never do any of those things in the future, that is her deal, but at least you are getting her thinking.
She may still get mad, but maybe you can just check up on her and how she feels about all of it, rather than just blurt out what you heard.
Post # 153
Ok… I completely agree with Mr. Bee on this one… I was torn through the whole arguement. But then he said to come up with something with your bf, that makes the most sense.
That said, I was engaged to a guy who was cheating on me. The first time I knew, and he denied it… I chose to believe him and try to move forward. I was constantly checking up on him (like your friend) and questioning everytime he TALKED to a girl…
A few months later he bragged to a (male) friend what we had been hanging out with alot that he had cheated on me with 4 different girls. The guy ended up telling me, I confronted me ex about it and he denied it, and denied it, and denied it. It got to the point where the three of us had to sit down and the friend MADE him tell me the truth. He still denies that it was 4 girls. He slept with one, kissed another, and had “innapropriate” conversations with 2 others.
I’m glad the friend told me. Granted, he had a crush on me so he may have had an alterior motive… But I’m still grateful. He was more my ex’s friend than mine and didn’t HAVE to tell me. But he did.
Post # 154
I just thought I’d update everyone on this thread since everyone really chimed in and gave a ton of advice.
Well, I talked to my boyfriend. He was very defensive at first, and didn’t want anything to do with telling Tina anything. He said that Doug was actually a very nice guy, and that he grew up with him and I didn’t so I didn’t know him. That’s true. He said there are “real” cheaters and guys that make mistakes but are really good guys 99% of the time… except he’s done this before with hickies…
Anyways, he wanted no part of it. I understand he wants to defend his friend and doesn’t want to tattle on anyone, fine. I get that. So, a day went by. I was still thinking about what to do while being a bit miffed at my boyfriend. I was supposed to meet Tina yesterday for a happy hour where we usually meet and she called and cancelled on me. She sounded like she had been crying, so I asked her what was wrong. She said “(Another Bridesmaid) told me that Doug did something the night the guys went to the strip club.” I didn’t ask what, since I already knew, but what a relief! Someone in the forums here mentioned that someone else might tell her, and sure enough.. it was one of the other bridesmaids who is married to a friend of one of the groomsmen that was there that night. I’m starting to think guys gossip more than girls. Anyways, she said she had to go and was about ready to break down. I said I understood and we hung up.
I don’t know what will happen with those two since it is too early in the game to tell. I feel totally relieved but very sad for her. I’m also angry at Doug. You’ve got to be all sorts of dumb to announce to 10 guys what you just did to a stripper. Especially since guys apparently gossip?
The worst part is that I think pretty much everyone and their dog knows now. I just got a text from another bridesmaid (there are 10 of us, HUGE) that she is worried about Tina. I’m not sure where this will go.
Anyways, thanks everyone for their help. It is pretty much out of my hands now and whatever happens happens, I guess.
Post # 155
Glad it worked out for you by someone else telling her. But I feel really bad for her 🙁
Post # 156
- Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!
there are a great number of disturbing responses and rationalizations in this thread.
i don’t think there should have ever been a question about her being told the truth. she needed to be told ASAP. i’m glad somebody finally did, but sad that it had to go through the grapevine for her to hear about it. that has to hurt a great deal as well.
ugh. what an asshole. i feel so badly for her. her fiance betrayed her by his actions, and her friends betrayed her by not stepping up.
Post # 157
Frankly, I am APPALLED at the people who said don’t tell her. Would you not want to know more than she apparently already does? I don’t care if I lose a friend, honestly, as long as I know that I did the right thing at the end of the day and the right thing in this scenario is to tell her. Now. As a bridesmaid, you’re supposed to be standing up in support of that marriage. If you don’t tell her, you are supporting a blatant act of disrespect on his part without telling her. Seriously? You’d be willing to stand up for that, to say that you approve of this marriage knowing what you do?
Also, I think you should look into what rainbow said: “Break up with your boyfriend. If he thinks it’s okay to hide something that serious from the bride to be mere days before the wedding, there’s no way that he’s really the “nice guy” that you think he is”
Post # 158
I think it’s great that your friend has learned about what happened that night, but it is horrible that she is hurting from her FI’s actions. Hopefully she evaluates everything carefully and makes the right decision for herself. No one deserves to be with someone who disrespects them.
So on that note, I also think that you should look into how your boyfriend has handled this situation. The fact that he would prefer to be silent by making excuses for this man is worrisome. I’m not saying you should break up with him necessarily, but I think you should definitely analyze the value system used in this situation. To be accepting of this type of horrible behavior by making excuses and to also ask you to keep it from a friend you said is like a sister to you is wrong.
Post # 159
I completely agree with Scissors and KMSull all the way. I cant imagine keeping something like that from my friend. Who cares if she initially got mad at me, she would soon realize I did it because I loved her as a friend.
-O and random side note Welcome Back KMSull!! Long time no see =)
Post # 160
Yeah, it really disturbs me that your Boyfriend or Best Friend not only didn’t want to tell but is still defending Doug “as a very nice guy” and somehow distinguishes him from a “real cheater.” I can understand not agreeing with everything a close, longtime friend does, and it would be one thing if your Boyfriend or Best Friend acknowledged that Doug was a creep but that he was still a good friend. But that your BF still defended Doug’s actions? That would upset me more than anything and really make me question the relationship.
Post # 161
To be honest it sounds like your friend already has a clear idea of the type of person she is with and she is with him anyways. You could tell her but know she may get mad to avoid it and stay with him. If she does that, then she doesn’t know how to be in a healthy relationship and shouldn’t be getting married. She fefinitely shouldn’t be marrying someone like that. I know if it was my sister, I’d tell her. So being a close friend I’d have to say something. As far as your boyfriend goes, if he knows how close you two are, why would he tell you and then expect you not to say anything? That tells me that he hated what her fiance did too and had to get it off his chest. He told you for a reason, you know? First off it shows that he’s honest otherwise you would have never heard about any of this. And second, I think sub-consciously he knew you were the exact person who needed to know. He knew you would know what to do. How many times do people spill secrets to the exact person they know will repeat it to the affected party? Once, a close friend of my sister and I told me something about my sister’s boyfriend. I had to tell my sister! And looking back on it, I know my friend told me cause she didn’t have the courage to tell my sister herself. She knew I’d tell her cause I love her.
Ultimately do what you feel is right. But I know I’d want to know if it was happening to me. I’d rather be hurt short term, move on and find the real person I’m really suppose to be with. I definitely wouldn’t want to live a life with someone like that. Good luck, I know this has to be really hard for you.
Post # 162
Just checked Missouri law on strip clubs – they are not supposed to be within 6 feet of their customers. Private dances are now a no-go. No complete nudity, no drinking.
Post # 163
- Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!
@cyneswith: clearly this club was on the seedier side.
Post # 164
@Ticktock: Solution. Leave her an anonymous note. She has a right to know, but you don’t have to be the one to shoulder the blame.
Post # 165
I’m so glad someone was able to man up (woman up?) and tell her what she definitely needed to hear. Hope she has the strength to do what’s best for her.
Post # 166
I am glad it got resolved without you having to get too involved in the situation. All you can do now is just be a good friend to her and help her through this, whatever she decides. My heart goes out to her, because I know exactly how she feels, being that I was once in a situation much like this. I am sure she is feeling disgusted and embarressed, especially since it seems everyone knows.