(Closed) My best friend’s fiance cheated on her at his bachelor party!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
4460 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Ticktock: I would get more info first. Not saying your boyfriend is lying, but I would want to get as much info as I could before I told someone something that serious. If it turns out that is the truth, then I would tell her.
How could you even watch the wedding happen? Is having a boyfriend more important than your friend’s happiness?

Post # 108
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

If I were your friend, I would want to know what your boyfriend told you. I really wouldn’t want to marry someone like that. That’s the only advice I can give. If your boyfriend leaves you, what does that say about him?

Post # 110
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Aubergold: I agree. It sounds like he may have done something in the past if she was that concerned with him going. What bothers me most is that after the couple discussed it, he asked again in front of his friends.

Post # 111
36 posts
  • Wedding: June 2010

I was in a situation very similar to this years ago.  I told the boyfriend (who I barely knew) that he had a month to tell her or I would.  He did not tell her, so I told her.  They worked through it and stayed together and eventually got married.

I was actually a bridesmaid in their wedding and at their wedding the husband pulled me aside and thanked me for being such a good friend to the (now) wife.  

If your reason for not telling her is to preserve YOUR friendship with her – then that is actually a selfish motivation.  It may be a risk to your friendship but if you care about her as a friend and think she needs to know what happened and what kind of guy she is marrying – then the right thing to do is to tell her. 

When I was in the middle of it – I just kept thinking – what if they get married and have kids and somewhere down the line he cheats on her – and I would be thinking to myself – “yeah, he did it before and I chose not to tell you”….. if I were her THEN I’d be really pissed.  

Post # 112
219 posts
Helper bee

I say tell her. Look at this this way…a scumbag is a scumbag and he isn’t going to change. If anything he will probably get worse after they are married. If things ended badly, and in divorce, think about how awful she would feel knowing you knew these things about him in the beginning. Save her the grief, and tell her what she is getting herself into. He is just disrespectful, and doesn’t deserve to marry her.

Post # 113
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry you have this burden to bear, but I agree with the PPs who agree that she won’t believe you and will choose to believe him over you. How many times have we all believed what we wanted to believe when it comes to relationships?

It’s his responsibility to tell her, not yours. You didn’t actually see anything firsthand, so for all you know he was just bragging to his friends to make himself look good. Plus, she would probably only believe it if she heard it from him, anyway, or maybe one of his friends. You weren’t there, so it’s easier not to believe you even if this version of events is totally, 100% true.

Have you talked to him since this all happened? Or has your BF talked to him? Has he shown any regret for what he did that night, or any inclination to come clean?

Lastly, don’t beat yourself up for carrying this “secret”. The truth is, you can’t truly know what really happened that night, so unless you’ve seen it with your own eyes you’re risking a friendship over something that certainly raises a hell of a lot of suspicion, but can’t actually be proven. I’d keep a close eye on him… and maybe even tell her that you don’t trust him. But I wouldn’t tell her what you’ve heard because it’s way too easy for her not to believe you. Save that discussion for if you ever actually see him acting inappropriately.

Post # 114
881 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like this guy is a very good guy or ready for marriage, to me.  If he would cheat on her and continually ask her if he could go to a strip club (especially with his friends around so she would feel pressured) then he just sounds like a punk.  Not to mention, when someone cheats it is often a pattern.  So what else has he done behind her back?  Yes, I know that this is speculation, but in this day and age of STDs it is much scarier and worth acting on.

I would want to know, as the bride to be.  He sounds immature, honestly his friends (no offense to your bf) sound like punks, too, by totally disregarding the agreement between him and his bride since he told you they were going to take him to a strip club regardless of her feelings.  Honestly, I think you would be doing a favor to this girl if you at least let her know what info you have.  You don’t have to tell her that its absolute and yes, he may worm his way out of it and lie if she doesn’t want to hear the truth.  Could you lose her as a friend over it?  Possibly but then I would question the strength of the friendship.  Could you lose you bf over it?  Possibly, too, but then if he were a willing partner in this and wouldn’t want you to tell her then you should probably analyze that as well.

This is a terrible position to be in – sorry you find yourself in it!  Good luck in whatever you end up doing.

Post # 115
219 posts
Helper bee

And I like aubergold’s idea of an anonymous note! Make a fake e-mail account (ex: [email protected]) or something and send her an e-mail. That takes you out of the position of being the one to have to tell her, but still informs her of something she really needs to know.

Post # 116
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Ticktock:other people may disagree with you but i can see why you choose to keep quiet. Ultimatly your friend probably saw “red flags” way before she decided to marry him yet she obviously ignored them and chose to keep the relationship regardless of the warning signs. This guy sounds like a loser and yet she made up her mind about him so it seems like the most *realistic* scenario would be that she would side with him if you snitched. I wouldnt have known what to do in this situation adn it  seems unfair that you got put in such a hard spot

Post # 117
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Here’s my thing… (I skimmed so I apologize if someone has said this before)

Whether or not you consider it “cheating”, whether or not she *wants* to know, and whether or not she will still be your friend… if he does crap like this to her and thinks it’s okay, how long until he infects her with something he picked up from some other girl?

If it were me, I’d want to say something for the slight chance it might save her from that.

Post # 118
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have never seen this happen, ever, where doing the “right” thing-(which is telling the friend the truth)-doesn’t end up destroying the friendship in some capacity. Regardless if the couple stays together or not, YOU will be a constant reminder of the ugly lie that existed between them. If you decide to tell, you have to decide whether or not you are going to be comfortable with whatever the outcome is.

I was once put in a similar situation. I was best friends with a girl, who at the time was pregnant. I was out one night at a bar, and her boyfriend walked in- WITH ANOTHER GIRL. He knew I saw him, and he avoided me the entire night. I decided not to tell her because I knew she would not believe me and our friendship would be destroyed. They had a very dysfunctional relationship, she was very desperate to be with him.  So I kept my mouth shut. You know what happened? He assumed I would tell , so he went to her first in an effort to tell HIS story, which was that he was not at the bar with another girl, that he was merely standing next to her and I misread the situation and was trying to break them up. Sounds nuts, right? Well she believed him! She called me to try to convince me that I didn’t see what I saw. When I wouldn’t agree with this crazy story, and instead stood by my story, she couldn’t handle it. She knew I was telling the truth but she wanted me to go along with the lie. I couldn’t do that. At that point, I realized she was so sick, that she had bigger problems that whether or not I saw her boyfriend out at the bar with another girl. She married the guy, our friendship was over, and we never spoke again. 

 Tina knows that Doug is a pig and a liar. Coming home from strip clubs in the past with hickeys, feeling that she needs to follow him to the bar to “check up on him.” Women who have trust in their relationships don’t need to follow their men to bars to check up on them.

I know you said your boyfriend is a nice guy, but honestly, I don’t think it’s very nice to A) put the burden of a story like that on you and expect you not to tell, and B) to have actively assisted Doug in doing this to Tina. You said they were going to take him to the strip club anyway, even without her permission. Why did they bother to ask? So they could use her reluctant “permission” as way to justify anything that may have happened there?

I feel so sorry for you that you are going through this, it’s so unfair. I think that Doug, your boyfriend, and their friends have a lot of growing up to do. They all sound pretty bad to me.

If they would do this to Tina, aren’t you wondering if they’d do it to you?

ETA: I have different friends today, and my current friendships are as strong as that of sisters. Because our friendship is strong, I would tell them if I saw their husbands cheating. Even if they were initially angry with me, I know our friendship would be able to survive the outcome. (I obviously did not feel that way about the strength of my friendship with the pregnant girl, hence my reason for not wanting to tell her- intially).

Post # 120
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@FutureMrs.Morgan….My thoughts exactly!  Even though a lot of the PP’s say they would want to know or they would tell their friend…they can keep saying it until they are blue in the face…BUT if the situation pertained to them, it would be a whole different story I think.  The OP knows her friend and she has stated on more than one ocassion already that she knows Tina will stick around with him anyways so at the end of the day they will still be together and the OP will end up being the “bad guy” all the way around.  Does this make it right?  Of course not but this is just the way it is unfortunately.

Post # 121
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I feel like sending her an anonymous note is going to make her feel like she can’t trust anyone. Because in addition to being suspicious of her FH about cheating with the stripper, she’s going to be suspicious of all of her friends/ FH’s friends about who wrote the letter. If you decide that you need to be the one to tell her, tell her face to face– please don’t do it anonymously. She needs a friend right now– not a coward.

Also, if you do tell her, I would recommend telling her in such a way as, “I heard this from my BF, but I’m not sure if it’s true. Regardless, I thought you should know– you can decide what to do with it.” I think telling her in that way (opposed to saying, “Your man cheated on you and this is what he did…”) will be your best bet in avoiding her getting pissed off at you. You’re not being accusatory– you’re just passing on some information and letting her decide if she wants to believe it or not or what she wants to do about it.

As for if I think you should tell her, I say no. While telling her is morally the “right” thing to do, she knows the type of guy that he is and decided to marry him anyway. Taking him back when he came home with hickies shows you that she will take him back for this too. It’s not that much worse (IMO).

Also, something I don’t think you’ve touched on (but I may have missed it) is that your BF thinks it is ok to keep this secret from her. Other posters have mentioned this as well. While I understand the pressure that guys can get from their friends about keeping secrets, I would be seriously leery of continuing a relationship with your BF if he thinks it is ok to keep this secret from her. I would have a SERIOUS discussion with your BF about why he thinks it is ok to keep this secret and why you don’t. I am not saying that you need to break up with him, or force him to tell Tina or talk to Doug, but I do think you should have a conversation with him about his values, etc, and decide if those are things that you’re ok with.

At the end of the day, only you can make the decision about what is best for you in this mess you’re in. Good luck.

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