(Closed) My best friend’s fiance cheated on her at his bachelor party!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Lezlers….  You always have the words of wisdom.  Seriously, next time I have an issue about anything, can I just please PM you and save myself the trouble of starting a thread! lol… (I am dead serious though)

Post # 123
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I didn’t read through all the posts, but I will tell you from experience, that unfortunately no good will come of this if you tell her. I was best friends with a girl for 8 years, and she was dating this guy for the last 3 years of our friendship. I became close with him, even considered him one of my best friends at some point. Then, I found out that he had been cheating on her pretty much their entire relationship.  I talked to these girls, found out specifics and told him if he didn’t tell then I would. Of course, he didn’t, so one night I did.  Gave her details only someone who was there would know, and guess what happened? She asked him, he denied it, and now we don’t speak at all.  Even when confronted with specific information and one of the girls (who hung out in our group) she still wouldn’t see it, and is still with him to this day.  I know he is still cheating on her too.

Point:  no matter how much or little you know, if she really is hung up on him, she will believe him. 

Post # 124
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Wow!!! This thread is HUGE! I am not going into too details with this other then if my husband EVER I mean EVERRRR did something remotly close to that (bachelor party or not) his ass would be KICKED to the curb so fast he wouldn’t even KNOW what hit him!!!

 Strippers or not, it does not matter what a man touches in a sexual way. Respect is respect and THAT has NO exceptions!!!

 Ok im getting into details! Do what you would want her to do for you. You might lose a friend, you might not. At the end of the day she will probably take him back but at least YOU were the one with some “balls” in this whole situation who stood up and said “Hey thats not right!”. Woman may take men back but we are not that dumb, she will always question him whether she will admit it or not and hopefully one day she will wake up on her own and leave him.  

P.s. Sorry for all the colorful talk lol but I just have huge issues with men who walk all over woman like that. It makes me so sad =(

Post # 125
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you should approach it in a very nonconfrontational way. You could say something like: “I’m not really sure what happened or if any of this is true, but I want to tell you because you are my friend and I care about you. I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell you this. And if the situation was reversed, then I’d hope you’d be just as honest with me. I heard that some inappropriate things, beyond just lap dancing, went on at the bachelor party. Of course, I wasn’t there. And we all know that the guys were drunk, and drunk guys like to talk. So, of course, I don’t know what really happened. It could be true, it could be rumors. I’m not sure, and its not for me to judge what is true or not. I just want to tell you what I heard. As a true friend, I felt that I had to be honest with you about what I heard.”

I think this way you can give her a heads up, but you’re totally not judging her Fiance. If her Fiance lies and she believes him (which is likely), then she can chalk it up to “drunk boys like to talk.” She may still get angry at you, but maybe less so if you do it in a “I don’t really know what happend, this is just what I heard” kind of way. This way you give her the info (spare her the details) and put the ball in her court. She can investigate further and choose to believe her Fiance or not. All the same, you gave her the info and the chance to find out the truth about him for herself. What she chooses to do after that is her choice. Just make it clear that you support her no matter what.

Post # 126
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

WOW! First off, I am so sorry you are put in such an aweful position! No matter how much it may hurt your friend, I think she needs to know. This could save her from marrying a comple “du*#$ pardon my french. Good luck with everything 🙂

Post # 127
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t tell her. All evidence points to Tina already knowing exactly what a wang Doug is already. Fiance and I encountered a similar issue at his brother’s wedding. His fiancee had one rule, no strippers please. It was the night before the wedding. The bachelor party was held in a camp ground and no strippers would drive out that far. Fiance was bored out of his mind so he was texting me all night. Around midnight he told me that three of his brother’s buddies and his brother took off to go to a strip club, 30 miles away. Earlier that night his SIL asked me if I thought there were strippers at the campground and I said no. I knew Fiance would tell me (and be grossed out) if there were. It was the one thing she asked him not to do, and instead of being a decent human, he drove off with three friends, all of whom had been drinking heavily, the night before the wedding to watch strippers.

We did not tell her. It just wasn’t our place. Neither of us saw what happened at the strip club so who knows what went on. Did he lie to her and potentially do something cheat-worthy, yep. But she’d been with him for 8 years and his behavior is not new. She knew exactly what a d bag he is and telling her just would have made her angry/mad during the wedding. It’s private business and you didn’t see it first hand. If you had, maybe that’s different. But I don’t think any good will come from you telling. She will still marry him.

And yes, you will probably lose your friend. Despite the cliche saying, the messanger is often the one killed in situations like this.

Post # 128
Member
3330 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I just wanted to second what Beachy Bride said! That sounds like the best way to go about it. I would want to know if Fiance had done anything like that, and I’m sure she would too. Beachy Bride’s phrasing is 100 percent non-confrontational, which is perfect.

Post # 129
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

[email protected]”She’s too old to make a move like that.” Contrary to the popular belief of a lot of people in their mid 20s, life is not over when you hit 30. For most, it just gets better.  I didn’t meet my fiance until I was 34. I can’t imagine if I married the person I was with when I was 30. YIKES! lol 

I think you should try to tell her in the most gentle way possible, giving her tons of love and support. <3  And you should let your bf know that you’re going to! It could/will definitely cause a riff between him and doug. Foot in mouth

 

good luck. 

Post # 130
Member
10190 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He put himself in an incredibly stupid position for a man committed to be married.  I’d want to know the truth, if I were his fiancee.  But, be prepared to lose her friendship.  That is, unfortunately, how these things generally play out.  There is a possibility she’ll cling to him & take her anger out on you.

But, since the issue was clearly important to her, I think she’d want to know.   On some level, she probably already does.

Post # 131
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@futureMrs.L:

@Lezlers….  You always have the words of wisdom.  Seriously, next time I have an issue about anything, can I just please PM you and save myself the trouble of starting a thread! lol… (I am dead serious though)

 

You totally made my day. 😀

Post # 132
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

WOW. I would hope you would tell her. If you are a true friend you will tell her. I think it’s ridiculous you need to come on a forum to ask for advice for this kind of thing. If she’s important to you and you care about her future you need to tell her. 

Post # 133
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You have to tell her. I mean, that is just my opinion. If it were me, I would absolutley 100 percent want to know. That is so disrespectful of her man to do that to her. Just because someone is getting married does not mean they get to go wild and completely disrespect and betray the person they supposedly love so much they want to spend the rest of their life with them.

tell her, absolutely tell her. doug is a pr**k. UGH.

Post # 134
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

Wow.  I totally disagree with a lot of people here.

The most important thing here is the trust between you and your SO.

If I was dating someone and told them something like this in confidence, I would be devastated if they passed it on and betrayed my trust.  But if my SO came to me and we discussed it together, maybe we could figure something out as a team.

If you guys can get on the same page here, you can make a decision together.  I have faith in your SO that when given a chance, he will find a creative solution here and find a way to do the right thing.

Good luck!!

Post # 135
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is a tough one.  If you tell your friend she may end the relationship and you’ll be hated by your boyfriend’s friends (and in this case were really pushing that fiance to cheat on her buy taking him there and paying for private rooms)  The other thing that might happen is your friend will confront her guy, he’ll deny it, she’ll believe him and you and your boyfriend will be cut from the circle. 

I know this sounds horrible to ask, but if you did tell your friend and she did cancel the wedding and her relationship with her guy, is she a strong enough person to overcome this trauma in her life?  Do you think this news would ruin her for years and years to come?  You have to keep that in mind also. 

Post # 136
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

The thing is… what you’d be doing is not “telling her”, it’s gossiping……

 

Because you didn’t *see* anything. Someone told you that’s what happened. Maybe your boyfriend didn’t see Doug doing what he said he did, maybe Doug told them that’s what happened?? Men lie sometimes, especially to impress their mates.

 

I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not like you’re 100% sure he cheated (I mean, is it cheating, is it not, did he really do it, etc), it’s not like you saw anything, it’s not up to you to make judgement so I’d leave it! (for your own sake :))

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