My best man sucks! Advice please!

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
2234 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yeah, it would be one thing if your friend’s wife was just casually polite to your fiance, your fiance invited her to be a bridesmaid, and the wife, put on the post, reluctantly agreed only to step down later, but it sounds like the wife has instigated a lot of overtures on her own. I mean, she invited your fiance to be in her own wedding, she regularly hangs out with your fiance, and she volunteered to throw an engagement party. Any casual observer would assume from that that these women are genuine friends.

So, if this story is truly exactly how you told it, not only would I be hurt in your fiance’s shoes, in your friend’s shoes, I would be a little disconcerted that my spouse could so convincingly act like a close friend of someone she didn’t even like.

Post # 34
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I feel for your fiancé. This is just such a bizarre situation. I’m friendly with all my DH’s friends’ SOs but there are a few I would say I genuinely like and others I’m just civil and friendly with, but haven’t pursued a friendship with them because we’re just not on the same page. And that’s fine.

Its really bizarre of the wife to have pulled this stunt. Is there a chance you guys could leave this in the air for a month or two and revisit this around December? Your friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place but seeing as he taking his wife’s side (can’t blame him for this) he’ll most likely end up pulling out. 

Or maybe another solution can be worked out when feelings aren’t so raw.

For what it’s worth, I don’t blame your fiancé for rescinding the wife’s invite to the wedding. Why would someone want anyone they know really dislikes them at the biggest day of their life? 

Wife could’ve made up some other inoffensive excuse (finances, work obligations) but she obviously doesn’t care about your fiancé’s feelings.

Post # 35
Member
41 posts
Newbee

From a fianceé point of view, I’d ask my Fiance to have the best man step down. I wouldn’t want someone to be so invovled with my future husband and the wedding if his wife felt that way towards me and the best man was backing her up. 

The friendship doesn’t seem savable if his wife is going to act so poorly towards yours. You’ll be stuck between defending your new wife or saving face with your “friend”. Which one is more important to you? I would cut the ties now. There is no way to avoid his wife if he is still involved in the wedding, I’m sure she’ll hear all the details, plans, etc. and surely start fueding with her own husband when he has to leave her to help you with your wedding to a woman she doens’t fancy at all. And how awkward will it be for his wife to not be allowed to attend the wedding but he’s going and playing a role in it? I don’t think any of it will play out well if you keep him around, so I’d cut your losses now.

Post # 36
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I think it will be difficult to maintain a friendship with these people from this point on, unfortunately. Even if there’s no dramatic fall out, I’d say it’s likely that you’ll drift apart. Are you having anyone else in the bridal party? I’d not I’d just tell Best man that you’re going to forgo the wedding party all together. 

Post # 37
Member
7413 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You’re being unreasonable with your expectations of your best man (who we should just refer to as “your friend” at this point since there is a life outside the context of your wedding).  Your friend knew his wife didn’t like your fiance. But what good would it have done to tell anyone? Now you and your fiance are trying to put him in the middle of your beef with his wife, and that’s not fair.

Post # 38
Member
1644 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Horseradish :  How could the BM NOT be in the middle?  His wife put him in that position by being fake for far too long instead of just ending the friendship in the beginning like an adult.  Instead she accepted a position she never wanted and kept up a charade until she couldn’t anymore.  How is it OP’s fault that the Bridesmaid or Best Man is in the middle?  His friend has been withholding something important the whole time when he should’ve manned up and spoke his piece with both his wife and his friend so that he wouldn’t be pulled into this stupid high school drama but nope, no one wants to be a mature adult.

Post # 39
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It doesn’t seem entirely complicated to me. I think being told – I never liked you – is reason to be quite upset. And a good reason not to want the woman to be part of your day. That seems fair. 

The best man didn’t lie to you – there is generally not a reason to ever say that and frankly I wonder why she ever did. The previous fakeness is a bit unpleasant. 

If your best man / friend can’t see what the problem is with telling someone you really don’t like them then he is quite odd. I guess it depends how much the friendship means to you. His attitude does seem rather strange and in your shoes I would find it rather hard to maintain a friendship. I certainly wouldn’t want him as best man. 

Post # 40
Member
1644 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

OP what do you want to happen?  I’m not sure your friend owes you an apology exactly but his wife certainly owes one to your Fiance although we both know that’s not going to happen.  It appears that he’s going to back his wife 100% and since your Fiance doesn’t want her anywhere near this wedding I’m pretty sure you know this is basically a friendship ending deal.  Sooooo I suggest two course of actions:

1.  Convince you Fiance not to disinvite BM’s wife (be the bigger person) and back off from them after the wedding. Personally, I don’t care for this approach but I can be petty.

2.  Have another convo with you Bridesmaid or Best Man and tell him exactly how your Fiance feels and that you support her 100%.  You’re statement should include “If you want to step down as Bridesmaid or Best Man I understand”…..put it on him.

Either way bee, being straight forward and having a difficult convo is the only way to end the drama and have a peaceful wedding.

Post # 41
Member
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think you and your fiancee need a cooling off period from your friend and his wife. Since she’s uninvited and he’s not likely to come if she’s not there, then they’re both not going to be at the wedding. I’d have a tough conversation with him to say something like “I don’t want to lose our friendship, but this situation is extremely disappointing and stressful, and I think it would be best if you didn’t come to the wedding. My fiancee is so hurt that she was abruptly dropped as a friend and feels like she had the rug pulled out from under her, so I think we both need some time to cool off. Can you and I regroup sometime after the wedding to see how we’re both feeling?” 

Unless he’s willing to still be in the wedding or attend without his wife, but I don’t really see that happening.

Post # 43
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

ram7159 :  

You might have to consider that he won’t attend without his wife. I think it’s natural to support the spouse.

I know I jumped the gun before but this is a rough situation for you. I think the cooling off period will be good, you can allow the hurt feelings to cool, and decide what to do with a clear head

The relationship might not be salvageable but I think cooling off will help you make that decision 

Reading this has helped me to see how your fiancé is probably feeling and I’m sure she is really hurt 

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