Post # 1
Ok, so my Maid/Matron of Honor and I have been friends for almost 10 years. It was an easy choice when deciding who my Maid/Matron of Honor was going to be. She’s really the only one I would want because we have been there for each other through so much over the years.
Maid/Matron of Honor just found out a week ago that she is pregnant, and she also has a 7 month old. Right now she doesn’t know her due date, but she is guessing that she will be due right around the wedding. I met with her a few days ago and she said that it is totally up to me if I want her in the wedding still and that she would understand if I don’t. I told her of course I still want her in the wedding! She is my best friend and she cannot be replaced. I understand the risks, and that she might have to back out depending on when she has the baby, but I am willing to take that chance.
Well, today I was supposed to go Bridesmaid or Best Man dress shopping with Maid/Matron of Honor and another Bridesmaid or Best Man, and Maid/Matron of Honor texted me last night to say that she wanted to back out of the wedding so she wouldn’t let me down later. She says she’s worried that her dress won’t fit her. What I’m thinking is that of course her dress can be altered, so maybe there is a different reason why she doesn’t want to be in the wedding. I’ve been texting her, trying to assure her that the dress will be fine and we will get it altered if we need to, but she isn’t responding.
I need to call her, but I know I will end up crying like a fool because I am just so upset right now at the thought that she might not be in my wedding and be by my side. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to feel pressured by me to be in the wedding if she really doesn’t want to be, but I also don’t want her to worry about disappointing me if she has to back out last minute. I’ve already told her that I have no problem taking that chance. Maybe I’m being selfish for still wanting her in the wedding.
I’m not sure if I’m seeking advice, or just to vent. I’ve been sick to my stomach stressing about this. Plus it’s crunch time to try to find Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and I don’t even know who my wedding party is.
Thanks for listening.
Post # 3
No one has any thoughts… ?
Post # 4
This very same thing happened with a Bridesmaid or Best Man when I was previously engaged years ago. There is really nothing you can do. I know it sucks, but if she does not feel comfortable being in the wedding you have to respect that. I was upset with my Bridesmaid or Best Man at first but now I realize that I would have done the same thing. I don’t think anyone really wants to be heavily pregnant and have to worry about being in someone’s wedding. It’s just too much.
Just because she will not be standing up next to you when you say your vows does not mean she can not be there for you, help you with wedding related things and still be your best friend. You can get through this girl 🙂
Post # 5
Id just really try to talk to her about it. Make sure she gets that you wont be disappointed or sad or anything if she cant be in it. Dresses can be altered, or her dress can even be a different material than the other girls for her belly. She doesnt even know when shes due, so it could be near or far from your actual wedding date.
Post # 6
@FutureMrsTimmins: Sorry you are feeling a lot of stress at what should be a happy time for you. I would not worry about your friend having any negative motives for wanting to back out of the wedding. It sounds as if you two are very close and you both really want to be there for each other for these important and exciting events in your lives.
I’m thinking that your friend has been having her own anxieties about all of this. I’m sure that, under different circumstances, she would want nothing more than to be by your side on your big day. However, having a seven month old baby AND being pregnant is a lot to handle. Adding the pressure of trying to be Maid/Matron of Honor in her BF’s wedding and being available to help you, while she may be weeks or even days away from giving birth (or perhaps having just given birth) may be a bit overwhelming to her.
Maybe there is a way to help lessen the stress for both of you. You should talk to see if there is some type of compromise that would make both of you feel happy and relieved. Chances are that she would have to have a very different dress than the other girls in your bridal party if she is going to fit comfortably in it and look good at the very end of her pregnancy. Perhaps she could order a maternity dress in the same or even a coordinating color, one in which she will look fabulous no matter what size she may be at the time of the wedding. She would look slightly different than the other bridesmaids, but it’s totally understandable, since she is pregnant, and many brides even want their MsOH to stand out from the bridesmaids.
Maybe you also need to assure her that you would not be expecting her to do anything stressful in her last weeks or months of pregnancy. Perhaps if you tell her that you plan to ask the other bridesmainds — and not her — to take care of wedding details after a certain time period, as she is getting closer to her due date. Let her know that all she needs to do is show up that day, providing she feels well enough and isn’t in labor at the time. Anything you can do to make her feel less pressured and overwhelmed may result in having you feel the same way about your wedding planning. If it turns out she is unable to be there, then you would still have the rest of your wedding party to be with you. You may even want to have a second Maid/Matron of Honor or at least ask the next-in-line bridesmaid if she would be willing to step up and take on the Maid/Matron of Honor duties on the day of the wedding in the event that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is unable to be there.
I hope you’re able to find a win-win situation for both of you. These really are two wonderful, blessed events (your wedding, and her pregnancy), and they should bring your closer together in celebration, not drive you apart and create sadness. Good communication will really help you to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Post # 7
@FutureMrsTimmins: Does she think she’ll still be able to attend the wedding? Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable with such a big responsibility while being so pregnant and having a baby. Ask her is she’d still want to hang out with you day of and getting ready with you. Maybe she can take a lesser role that she feels comfortable with.
Post # 8
that sucks :(. It seems like you two have a great relationship which is awesome. My Best friend couldn’t attend my wedding becuase she joined the peace corps. It sucked and it broke my heart but I know she was doing what she loved and I supported her 100%.
All that matters in the end is that she is there for you. She may not be able to go Bridesmaid or Best Man dress shopping together, but she will always be there for you!
Post # 9
@Legallyblondiebride: I agree, being in a wedding while being 8 or 9 months pregnant is not a very comfortable situation. Thanks for your words of encouragement 🙂
@Soon2BeMrsPea: I was actually talking to one of my BMs about that today. She could definitely get a dress to suit her belly. That’s a great suggestion. I will ask her if she likes that idea.
@Brielle: Wow, thanks so much for your reply. I think I will let her know that I wouldn’t be expecting her to be all into “wedding mode” when she is super pregnant. Communication is definitely key. I don’t want this to drive us apart. That would be the worst possible thing to happen.
@Straner: She will still be attending the wedding, unless she is in labour! I’m going to talk to her about having a lesser role, and see how she feels about it.
@MlleBrielle: Thanks for your kind words 🙂 I know she will still be there for me, it’s just a shocker that she might not be my Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 10
Could you ask her to play a smaller role that could easily be covered if she cant make it? Maybe a reader or a hostess where she can sit? My cousin’s wedding had all preggo ladies in it, and they looked so uncomfortable. She might also be embarrased to be photographed at that stage. So maybe keeping her in the wedding with an honorary title or minimum work load would keep her engaged.
Hope you can talk it through with her!