(Closed) My bf asked if was disappointed he hadn't proposed

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

i feel you completely and you’re not being unreasonable. Have you sat down and had an honest timeline? The time could be now and communicate and see where both your head is. I’m in a similar predicament and pretty much know it’s coming in next 8 months which is pretty slow but I’ll have to deal with it. 

Post # 3
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

sillylady93 :  Your emotions aren’t wrong – it’s how you feel! From your post, it’s also very clear that you have a rational perspective. Here are two things that popped into my head:

1. It possible he’s trying to throw you off the trail by telling you it won’t be for a while.

2. There’s nothing wrong with sitting down and talking timelines. Whether he has plans to propose tomorrow or in 10 years, you both owe it to yourselves and your relationship to make sure you’re on the same page and feel comfortable with future plans. This is your life, and you have every right to express what you want out of it. 

I’m currently waiting, but my SO and I each wrote out timelines separately, and then compared them to one another. We each compromised a little bit (me slowing mine down, him speeding his up), and came to a joint timeline that works for both of us. It doesn’t take away the romance or surprise or anything (in my opinion), but it does take away some of the sadness and anxiety that I was feeling, because I also felt like my SO could wait another 10 years (we’ve been together 3.5) and it really made me anxious. 

Just be honest with your BF!

Good luck bee!

Post # 4
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You should discuss a timeline with him then love! 

Post # 5
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

What did you say to him about all of this?

Post # 6
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Agree with the other bees – have you discussed a timeline so that you’re both on the same page? I think this would be a wise conversation to have.

Post # 7
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Why does he get all the say for your future???. Talk about what date you want and date he wants and split it down middle.

Post # 9
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

sillylady93 :  

I’d add that a timeline is a good start, but you both need to talk about why there is a timeline at all.

A common thing with millenials is that they feel like marriage is some sort of “topper”. sometimes people feel like they need to to buy a house, have a top job to “provide” ect….basically things people would have achieved at 50, and they are having this convo in their 20s. 

Marriage itself may not be the issue. It could be feelings about finances and other things.

When I talked to my man I made it clear that if he wanted me to take his feelings about finances and career seriously, he needed to take my feelings about marriage equally serious. If he minimizes your needs or feelings it says a lot about him as a partner.

Post # 10
Member
34 posts
Newbee

sillylady93 :  Your feelings are never wrong!  I’m 100% sure my boyfriend knows I’m very disappointed he hasn’t proposed yet.  (Shared my story on my own post – but we’ve been together three years and he keeps saying it’s happening “soon.”)

I will say that if he wants to wait until the time is “perfect” – there will never be a perfect time.  There will always be SOMETHING that could be a reason to wait.  Whether it’s a trying to get a promotion, looking for a new job, a vacation coming up, car trouble, the holidays, etc etc etc – you can spin anything into a reason why now isn’t “perfect.” 

To me, marriage says you want to go through this imperfect life together with this person, so waiting for perfect is unrealistic.

I agree with the timeline talk that everyone else said – although my boyfriend won’t talk about a timeline at all, which is the most frustrating.  He think it will take away from the excitement, but I personally think the excitement of waiting is over (been about a year) and I just want him to do it.

I think it says something that he brought it up, though.  Maybe he brought it up to see what you thought about it, maybe he brought it up to say he won’t be ready for a few years.  Either way, I’d have a chat with him to get to core of this without letting it fester and build emotions that will drive you crazy.

Post # 11
Member
5846 posts
Bee Keeper

It isn’t pressuring him to want to have an equal, active say in your own future. I think the problem in your case is you’re both being too vague. He was the one to bring the subject up then says he ‘has no problem with waiting’ even though he knows full well you’re already disappointed. And ‘wanting everything to be perfect’- what the hell does that even mean? And for your part, you need to be clear on what you want for your mutual future, not tiptoe around the subject or let him unilaterally make all the decisions. 

Post # 13
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

sillylady93 :  Gotta love men and their ridiculousness. wink

But that’s so great to hear! Excited for you!

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