Post # 1
I’ve been secretly lurking on this board for a while, so I thought I’d share my story with you guys and see what you think.
Last night my boyfriend asked me if I was disappointed that he hadn’t proposed yet. He also made it sound like it wasn’t coming in the near future. We live together and will have been together 2 years in March, though we were unofficially dating for more than a year before that. A few of our friends have gotten engaged (most of them have been together for shorter than we have) and to be honest, I have been a little sad that he hasn’t proposed! I know 2 years isnt a super long time, but we live together, have 2 dogs together, have talked about marriage ect.
There may have been a tiny bit of alcohol involved, and I started crying! Ugh I am so embarrassed. He told me he could tell I was disappointed, and that I had nothing to worry about and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But he also made it sound like it wasn’t coming anytime soon like I had hoped, and that he wanted to wait until the time was perfect. He said he didn’t want to propose “just because” and said he didn’t see the problem with waiting. I want to be with this man, but I guess I’m just frustrated. It does make me feel a little unwanted that he’s not totally ready and completely smitten to want to 100% commit to me. I don’t want to wait 10 years to get married and end up resenting our relationship. And honestly, I kind of wish he didn’t even bring it up, because now I’m going to be dwelling on it.
Ugh, I feel like I have an awkward day ahead.Help bees! Is it wrong for me to be upset?
Post # 2
i feel you completely and you’re not being unreasonable. Have you sat down and had an honest timeline? The time could be now and communicate and see where both your head is. I’m in a similar predicament and pretty much know it’s coming in next 8 months which is pretty slow but I’ll have to deal with it.
Post # 3
sillylady93 : Your emotions aren’t wrong – it’s how you feel! From your post, it’s also very clear that you have a rational perspective. Here are two things that popped into my head:
1. It possible he’s trying to throw you off the trail by telling you it won’t be for a while.
2. There’s nothing wrong with sitting down and talking timelines. Whether he has plans to propose tomorrow or in 10 years, you both owe it to yourselves and your relationship to make sure you’re on the same page and feel comfortable with future plans. This is your life, and you have every right to express what you want out of it.
I’m currently waiting, but my SO and I each wrote out timelines separately, and then compared them to one another. We each compromised a little bit (me slowing mine down, him speeding his up), and came to a joint timeline that works for both of us. It doesn’t take away the romance or surprise or anything (in my opinion), but it does take away some of the sadness and anxiety that I was feeling, because I also felt like my SO could wait another 10 years (we’ve been together 3.5) and it really made me anxious.
Just be honest with your BF!
Good luck bee!
Post # 4
You should discuss a timeline with him then love!
Post # 5
What did you say to him about all of this?
Post # 6
Agree with the other bees – have you discussed a timeline so that you’re both on the same page? I think this would be a wise conversation to have.
Post # 7
Why does he get all the say for your future???. Talk about what date you want and date he wants and split it down middle.
Post # 8
Thanks, guys you’re right. My feelings are kind of hurt so I’m going to let it sit for a day or so before I bring it back up and discuss a timeline.
I guess I’m officially “waiting” which is not the funniest situation to be in!
I just want him to propose because he wants to and my worry is all this is going to make him either a. Propose because he “has” to and make it unspecial for both us. I made it clear in the convo last night that I would eventually break up with him without a proposal. Or b. Cause one of us to resent each other because of differing wants/timelines.
Post # 9
I’d add that a timeline is a good start, but you both need to talk about why there is a timeline at all.
A common thing with millenials is that they feel like marriage is some sort of “topper”. sometimes people feel like they need to to buy a house, have a top job to “provide” ect….basically things people would have achieved at 50, and they are having this convo in their 20s.
Marriage itself may not be the issue. It could be feelings about finances and other things.
When I talked to my man I made it clear that if he wanted me to take his feelings about finances and career seriously, he needed to take my feelings about marriage equally serious. If he minimizes your needs or feelings it says a lot about him as a partner.
Post # 10
sillylady93 : Your feelings are never wrong! I’m 100% sure my boyfriend knows I’m very disappointed he hasn’t proposed yet. (Shared my story on my own post – but we’ve been together three years and he keeps saying it’s happening “soon.”)
I will say that if he wants to wait until the time is “perfect” – there will never be a perfect time. There will always be SOMETHING that could be a reason to wait. Whether it’s a trying to get a promotion, looking for a new job, a vacation coming up, car trouble, the holidays, etc etc etc – you can spin anything into a reason why now isn’t “perfect.”
To me, marriage says you want to go through this imperfect life together with this person, so waiting for perfect is unrealistic.
I agree with the timeline talk that everyone else said – although my boyfriend won’t talk about a timeline at all, which is the most frustrating. He think it will take away from the excitement, but I personally think the excitement of waiting is over (been about a year) and I just want him to do it.
I think it says something that he brought it up, though. Maybe he brought it up to see what you thought about it, maybe he brought it up to say he won’t be ready for a few years. Either way, I’d have a chat with him to get to core of this without letting it fester and build emotions that will drive you crazy.
Post # 11
It isn’t pressuring him to want to have an equal, active say in your own future. I think the problem in your case is you’re both being too vague. He was the one to bring the subject up then says he ‘has no problem with waiting’ even though he knows full well you’re already disappointed. And ‘wanting everything to be perfect’- what the hell does that even mean? And for your part, you need to be clear on what you want for your mutual future, not tiptoe around the subject or let him unilaterally make all the decisions.
Post # 12
So I took your advice and brought up a timeline. My bf could tell I was super upset about the topic and let it slip that he ALEADY HAS THE RING and a plan in mind!! He said he was just trying to pick my brain and maybe throw me off a little bit.
URGH! I let him know that was absolutely not the way to do it lol. Now I’m a mixture of irrationally excited and impatient. I’m gonna try not to think about it or bring it up anymore and let him do his thing.
Post # 13
sillylady93 : Gotta love men and their ridiculousness.
But that’s so great to hear! Excited for you!