Post # 1
My bf a& I have been together for 8 months & it’s been getting serious for the last 3 months. He’s been talking about getting married having kids settling down the works & I’d love to marry him hes the first man that I can actually see spending my life with. I’m even flying to meet his family for the first time. (He lives in tennesse &I live in texas) I really fell for him when I first met him & all of this has been great until the last 4 weeks. When we first started dating I knew he had a match.com account. I found soon after we started dating. I didn’t think anything of it because it hadn’t been active for over 3 weeks & I figured it was something he had before me & since he wasn’t using it I didn’t have anything to worry about. Before I deleted my account I had asked him Are we exclusive just me & you? no seeing anybody else or any of that stuff? & He told me no we’re officially bf & gf he doesn’t play games like that He was with me &only me & I was his girl. So I deleted my account. I was serious about him & felt after he said that he was serious about me too so there was no need to have an account on there. I figured when I gained his trust (he had been in a serious 4 yr relationship before and got cheated on so he had some trust issues) & everything he would eventually delete his account too. Well a few weeks ago we were watching movies on his computer & when he was switching to a new movie he checked his email real quick & I saw several emails from match.com but he quickly closed it before I got to read the full subject. I though maybe it was an advertisement or you know smam mail so I didn’t say anything but it kept bugging me so I reactivated my account & decided to just check & sure enough his account was still there & it said “active within 3 days” I was so shocked & hurt! I told my friend & she said well maybe hes just getting an ego boost you know? he hasnt been on it for a long time maybe he wanted to see how many chicks winked at him get all cocky about it & then signed off? so I tried to let it slide I mean it kinda made sense in a way. I could only last a week with this thought so I checked again & it said “active within 24 hours” & I was just shocked! I mean his demeanor hadn’t changed he was still the same & affectionate. I’ve wanted to bring it up I just dont know how to. I want to trust him so I’ve tried to ignore it for the past few weeks but its been eating me up inside wondering if hes looking for other women or thinking when he doesnt reply to my texts that fast maybe hes with someone else & so on. I just don’t know how to bring it up. I really want to talk to him about it but another part of me is scared to like I’m scared that he is cheating & being hurt (I’ve only gotten serious with 2 other guys and both cheated on me & its a feeling I just dont want to have). What should I do? How can I bring it up? What if it’s really nothing? Why would he still mention marriage & have me meet his family if hes still looking around?
Post # 3
If you want an honest answer to your question, one that he can’t make excuses to get out of, you can make yourself a dummy account and see if he takes the bait. If he does, you know what he’s up to, and you’ve got your answer about his character. If not, oops. No harm, no foul, right?
What he’s doing is shady, I can tell you know that by your post. If you simply ask him about it, he’s going to either charm you into thinking he could do no harm, or turn the situation into somehow being your fault. That’s how cheaters operate.
Post # 4
@Ag1950: Hey! First and foremost take a step back from the situation and remove any anger you may have towards him. This wont help you in the end. Honestly, I would approach him and ask in a joking matter “Do you even check your Match.com account anymore? I’ve forgotten I even have it!” if he says “Yea, sure sometimes I look back at it to see” if I still got it”. and laugh it off. Try to explain to him that him leaving his account open means he is advertising to other woman that he is readily available. It’s not only fair to you its also not fair to the other woman on match.com. Try not to make it too much about you to make him understand from a woman’s perspective how this may look on his part. I do kind of agree with your friend. He is using it as an ego boost, which quite frankly might have to do with his selfesteem and what happened in his previous relationship. Reassure him as much as you can that you think he is handsome, or that he smells really good. This confidence that you instill in him will veer him away from getting it from somewhere else by getting these “winks” from woman on match.com.
I hope this helps and good luck to you!
Post # 7
I still have an active okcupid profile, actually forgot until now when I went to look it up.
Isn’t Match one you have to pay for? I’d be more irritated about him paying for it then anyting else
Post # 8
If he checked your account wouldn’t it say active in 24 hours too?! You don’t know if he’s just checking the accounts that the emails came from and nothing else. I’m not saying that’s right but it’s far off from cheating! If you met on match could you not just ask outright about it and decide together to close your accounts together? Also, could you not say that you got a mail and went on for that reason and noticed his account is still active? Unless he has given you another reason not to trust him I wouldn’t lie to him(by setting up fake account).
Post # 10
@StuporDuck: If you want an honest answer to your question, one that he can’t make excuses to get out of, you can make yourself a dummy account and see if he takes the bait.
First thing that popped in my head to do!
You can do what others said. Say you started noticing money coming off your credit card for match.com, so you went in and delete your account, and you were curious to see if he’d deleted his yet. And to your surprise, you see he’s still there, paying for it, too. So you thought you’d remind him to close it since it’s debted out of his bank account. I’d then add that I was curious about why it said he’d been on there in the last 24 hours, and the account was still active. Say that, if anything, you’d expected him to have been on it in the last 24 hrs to delete it. So why is it still there?
See how he responds to that.
Post # 11
What if your BF’s on there to check to see if you’re still on it? You mentioned he’s been cheated on in the past, well he could still have some trust issues. I just bring it up bc when my friend was first dating her husband (they met on match), she kept logging on to see if he was still on it.
Anyway, if you’re thinking marriage with him, I think it’s best you be up front about it with him. Just say you happened to notice emails from match.com, tell him how you feel about him having an account and go from there. If he denies having an active account or gets defensive, then try @JulesSchnooks’ suggestion.
Post # 13
I’d be worried about the fact that you can’t bring an honest question/concern out in the open. If marriage is in your path these things have to be breached sometime.
Post # 14
@fuzzypeach: I should have read a little further. you beat me to it!!
Post # 15
Don’t create a dummy account and play stupid games. Ask him about it.
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
If this is “the man”, you need to be able to communicate & share some of your intermost thoughts. Be honest with him about how you know & why you checked! Without going into detail about an issue Darling Husband & I have, let me just tell you, TRUST YOUR GUT! But before jumping to conclusions, talk to him. Maybe it is something super innocent & you’re being a worry wart for nothing ;]