(Closed) My BF & I got into a fight I broke up with I didn't mean it I was just mad

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
4286 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You sound really immature and selfish (your concern shouldn’t be about how this makes you feel, you are the one who messed up), and like you aren’t ready for an adult relationship.

Post # 17
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This happened to me ONCE with Fiance.  I had been staying with him over Christmas break since his house was closer to work than my apartment at school.  Well we got into a fight I freaked out and told him I was done and I was leaving.  Reality set in when I was packing and crying and he didn’t try to stop me.  He went and watched TV.  I was FURIOUS.  He even offered to help me load my car up.  So, I left.  We didn’t speak for months.  When we finally reconciled he told me that he never wanted me to leave and I commented on how he didn’t even ask me to stay.  

I will never forget what he told me… He said “I won’t make you stay, I won’t fight to make you stay.  If you want to be here, be here.  But, if you say you’re leaving I will assume you have made up your mind and you are going.  I won’t make you be with me.   I shouldn’t have to.”  At first I was like WTF a**hole?  but then I realized, he’s right.  If I say I’m done, then I should be done and same goes for him.  We shouldn’t have to beg one another to love us.  You can’t make empty threats, you can’t use your relationship as a bargaining chip. 

When he proposed I told him that my ring will never once leave my finger out of anger unless I’m on my way to the attorney to file paperwork.  I realize that I always love him even when he makes my blood boil.  And I have told him before “I love you all the time but I just don’t like you very much right now.”

My advice:  Do you.  That’s what you told him you wanted to do anyway.  You broke up with him so now you’re on HIS terms.  If he comes back, you’re lucky, but he also may not and you need to prepare for that too.  It could take a day, a week, or a few months… you never know.  But, you’re 9 months in.  There is no reason to talk about the future.  Maybe he has been cold because he feels like you’re restricting him or that you want to jump into marriage and maybe he doesn’t.  FI and I never talked about marriage for YEARS.  Some guys don’t like to dive right in.  

Post # 18
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Move on and learn from the experience. 

Post # 19
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
gemgm:  How old are you guys?

Post # 20
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Move on. Either you break up or you don’t. You don’t break up just because you’re “frustrated”. When it’s something serious, if you ever got married and had a family, would you threaten a divorce? Sounds like now is a good time to learn how to appropriately manage your anger.

Post # 21
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should take this as a cue to learn about arguing (better yet, not arguing but discussing) in a healthy, constructive way. Manage your emotions, take time to formulate what you’re going to say. In heated, emotional times, it’s even more important to think through what you’re trying to communicate.

It would not be acceptable to me to be broken up with because my partner was “mad”. I wouldn’t get back together with you.

Learn from this, it’s a tough lesson but an important one. Let him go.

Post # 22
7551 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Can’t really blame the guy for not wanting to invest a lot in a relationship with someone who’d rather give up than try to solve the problems in the relationship.

Post # 23
4739 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you can’t deal with this “grey area,” then it’s time to leave the relationship (for real, not as a childish threat). The fact that he’s even trying to give you a second chance after you hurt him and broke up with him because of one fight is impressive – deal with the consequences of your mistake or leave. Those are your only choices at this point.

You’ve learned this lesson the hard way – breaking up (or divorcing, for that matter) should NEVER be used as a manipulation or a way to “win” an argument. It should only be brought up when you are serious about ending the relationship, not just angry.

Post # 24
592 posts
Busy bee

I also did this in college. I got into a heated argument with a boyfriend and broke up with him by screaming at him and dramatically leaving his apartment. Very mature of 20 year old me. 

I waited for him to run after me. He never did. 

After begging and crying, we got back together. Turns out, we never should have gotten back together to begin with since we broke up a few months later. I could have saved myself a few months of heartache, but I suppose everything is clearer in retrospect. 

A previous bee said it, if your relationship cant last this fight (don’t know the details of the fight), maybe it wasn’t that strong to begin with. i would let it go, move on and chalk it up to a learning experience. 

Post # 25
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

When you say he ‘will not talk about our future’, are you asking him about your future? Because 9 months in isn’t very long to start expecting talks about the future. And if you’ve just recently broke up, however briefly, all the more reason to not push for ‘where is this relationship going’ talks. Right now the focus should be on rebuilding your relationship and making sure past mistakes aren’t repeated. I know it sucks to feel you’re in a ‘grey area’, but in all fairness you are the one who created this grey area. 

You say you’re trying really hard to be a great girlfriend, but this makes things sound up & down, like you’re aware that you behaved badly and are jumping through hoops to atone for it, please be careful this doesn’t become a pattern. Because one day ‘sorry’ won’t be enough. And you also don’t want to be in the position you are now, where it feels you’re sorry almost to the point of grovelling. 

If he’s still acting cold because you hurt him deeply and he’s still struggling to get past this, then you need to be good to him but not overwhelmingly trying-too-hard & making things awkward. If he’s acting cold because you’re making insecure demands to talk about your future, you need to realize this is hurting your relationship & knock it off, the timing is def not right for this  If he’s still acting cold because he’s punishing you for your actions, that’s a different story. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who broke up with me every time we had a fight or they didn’t get their own way, but neither would I want to be with someone who turned cold and punitive deliberately. If he’s not usually distant and cold after an argument, I would suspect that he’s hurt not manipulative, if his emotions run hot and cold toward you generally then this is a red flag for you. Sorry Bee, you sound fairly young and inexperienced and some of life’s lessons are harsh. 

Post # 26
5 posts

I met my boyfriend A in May 2016. We dated for 4 dates and had good chemistry together so I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive, he said yes. A few days after, he called and told me he hooked up with his ex. We split and got back together in September. He texted me first and was upfront that he wanted a relationship with me. I told him I wasn’t sure. I was seeing somebody but no sex. It didn’t work out. I kept hanging out with A at the same time and we slept together after 2 months (November) getting back. Things were going great between us until recently I got in a car accident and had to stay in ICU in April this year. Timing wasn’t right. A was stressed out with his project at school at that time. I texted him about the accident, and he called one time. But I was transferred to ICU that night for bleeding in brain and texted him. He didn’t call me the morning the next day to check, just a text “hey, how are you”, which I think very casual. I think he didn’t care about me. I invested a lot into this relationship. I cooked for him, made him lunch box, cared for him when he was sick, which made me feel like I was the one put in efforts. We had a fight and he said he thought my family would be there with me and it’d be awkward if he was there (he hasn’t met my family yet at the time). Whatever, I think he still should’ve called and asked. I could’ve died that night. Then he cried, hugged and told me he loved me. That was the very first time he said that. After that, we had a good time together and he always told me he loved me, but I still felt uneasy. I checked his fb messages and found out he was talking to “this girl” during the time we split last year. He was really interested in her. He also liked and commented some girls’ pictures that annoyed me. That gave me an insecure feeling around him, so last week I brought up his cheating back in May. I thought he was drunk, but he admitted he wasn’t, that he was fully aware of his action and he chose it, which hurt me more cuz I thought he was honest when he said he was ready for the relationship but he didn’t. I asked him if he was serious when he came back in September he said yes (I gave him the second chance). But the next day, I snooped his phone and saw his messages with “the girl” i found on fb. He called her “dear, lovely” and said he’d marry her (he never called me those). They were flirting to each other a lot but ended in November when we were 2 months together. I got upset and broke up with him cuz he was dishonest to me. The next day, after cooling off I called him and said I was sorry for snooping his phone. He said he was tired and wanted to give up. He asked to take a break. I agreed. We set 2 weeks apart with boundaries not date or sleep with anyone. Now I miss him and feel bad for my behaviors.

Post # 27
678 posts
Busy bee

When I was younger, I broke up with my SO a couple of times during arguments. Yes, it’s immature, and once I had calmed down, I said I didnt mean it. My SO knows me well, so he didn’t make a big deal out of it and understood. I guess it just depends on the person. I know if he had done the same thing to me, I would’ve been upset.

Just think of it as a learning experience and be a better person because of it. Tell your bf how you feel and that you aren’t going to “fight” for him, but you’re sorry, regret your actions, and want to get back together. Then it’s up to him. Don’t beg or stalk him. Just give him space to figure out what he wants.

Post # 28
678 posts
Busy bee

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wheredoeslovego :  Okay, he is not worth your time. You deserve better than that.

Post # 31
2857 posts
Sugar bee

Closing this now, as it’s 3 years old.

The topic ‘My BF & I got into a fight I broke up with I didn't mean it I was just mad’ is closed to new replies.

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