(Closed) My BF is best man and I'm not invited (even his mum got invited)

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Talluna:  I get why you’re upset, but I think you’re wanting to attend the wedding to see your bf….you never mentioned in your post wanting to see the happy couple in this very special day. I’m just saying, they didn’t invite you because you’re not super close to them or because you haven’t played a significant role in their lives/relationship… not because they hate your guts or anything.

I am having an intimate wedding and girlfriends/boyfriends/SO’s are not invited. I only want the people I am closest to there, and unless they’re married/engaged or Fiance and I are very close to that person, I don’t see why they need to be there. It has nothing to do with paying…it has to do with choosing who you want to share this day with…who you want in pictures. It’s a wedding, not a show.

Post # 4
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Talluna:  I get that it sucks to feel left out but I’d think about a few things:

1. His mother probably was invited because the groom knows her (she’s his best friend’s mother, they probably have known each other as long as your Boyfriend or Best Friend has known the groom). You really should not get upset about this. Her invite is completely independent of yours.

2. Everyone sets their own limits for their guest list. They are not required to invite anyone, and to invite you may have meant leaving off someone they see as a closer friend. Do you live with your BF? How long were you 2 together when the invites went out or when they put together the guest list?  Those are usually things the couple will consider in making the cut

3. Usually the best man is given a +1 no matter what so I would say this is probably the biggest “rude” factor. But again, it is not a reflection on YOU or their feelings on you as a person. Yes, it sucks, but don’t take it too personally especially if you don’t live together or were together only a few months when the invites were ordered (again, guest lists SUCK and they are not easy to make)

4. I don’t know about where you live but around me it is considered rude to invite people to only the reception or only the ceremony, so I wouldn’t judge them for not doing that for you

5. Your main concern is in seeing your Boyfriend or Best Friend in a tux and admiring him as best man. You’re not in it for the couple at all so it doesn’t seem like you should be angry at them so much as at the lost opportunity to look at your Boyfriend or Best Friend. If someone said “I don’t care to see your wedding ceremony” I’d be pretty miffed that they wanted to attend my reception.

Post # 5
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

That sucks. I totally get not allowing +1s for guests, but I think exceptions should be made for members of the bridal party (just my opinion). Especially since you two have been together for a while and they’ve met you before.

ETA: I agree with PP that his mom probably knows her son’s best friend pretty well and her invite shouldn’t be an issue.

Post # 6
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Talluna:  Honestly, one year is not a long time.. i dont like the way you are so annoyed at your boyfriends mother being invited and not you.. She raised your boyfriend therefore knows the couple for much longer than you have..

 

Honestly, if your only issue is having to be at home on your own..your either very young or needy.

Post # 7
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Sometimes the numbers just don’t work, sometimes people want people who are close to them only in attendance.   My F wants to invite our employees, I don’t want to, so I’m inviting them but not allowing them a plus 1.  All my Bridesmaid or Best Man know my mom and I’m sure would be invited to their weddings.  It kind of sucks but since planning my own wedding I totally see things in a different light.

Post # 8
Member
8365 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would be interested to know if they invited other plus ones and other GF’s/BF’s especially if they had been dating less time.

I find it odd and rude- OP’s BF is the bestman/best friend of the groom so I would assume that he will be apart of his life in marriage as well (unless she is that kind of wife that makes him give up his friends!) which would mean that OP would be apart of their life as well. I find it odd that they would want to exclude the person who is special in the life of someone they are so close to?

Post # 9
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

While yes, it’s rude to separate a long term relationship, if they went by the standard way of things then they got engaged when you and your bf first started dating–so them not knowing about you is actually perfectly reasonable.  My wedding is in a year and my guest list is mostly done.  If someone started dating someone now, their SO would be left out unless we became close friends.

 It’s probably not a slight on you–they likely have limited space and would prefer to invite close friends and family.  You likely would not know many people there, your bf would be best manning so you’d be just hanging around, bored, not knowing anyone and that’s no fun.

Also, you’ve only met them a few times.  There will not be a soul at my 120 guest wedding that I or my fiance do not know very well.  If we don’t know them very well, they are not coming.  We don’t want strangers or acquaintances at our wedding.  We’re paying for this out of our own money–we’re not feeding and entertaining people we met only a few times.  We can’t afford it and we’re trying to squeeze in as many close friends and family as we can–inviting someone as a courtesy +1 would prevent us from inviting someone we really know.

It would have been a lovely gesture to invite you and I’m sure they would have if they could but it seems that they did not possess unlimited funds and/or space.  Sign the card, wrap the gift and enjoy your night at home in your jammies watching bad TV and drinking wine.

Post # 10
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@Talluna:  I’m not interested in attending the church ceremony

That says it all really,

I think if you were upset because you really liked them and wanted to see them marry then fair enough, but it sounds like you just dont want to feel left out and have to sit at home on a sat night.

Further more i imagine the mother has known them as long as your bf.

Plus if you have been together less than a year, they couldn’t have planned the wedding overnight, they probably hardly new you when they were doing the guest list, plus weddings are expensive so they probably had to choose between plus 1s and people who actually are their friends and want to see them marry.

Post # 11
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s stange not to let the best mans gf come to the wedding, but I am sure they have their reasons and their reasons are all that really matters. You said yourself you don’t care about the actual ceremony (and that is usually the most special part for people who truely care about the bride and groom) so you only really want to go for the party portion and maybe they just don’t have the money or space t o invite people who aren’t a big part of their life.

Post # 12
Member
4073 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I agree with all the points @bearlove made.

Regarding the plus 1 thing, it is common to make up “rules” only to invite people who are engaged or living together or dating over 12 months (or whatever time) or a combination of those rules.  They cannot invite everyone and these “rules” are supposed to make it fair on everyone. Yes it sucks, but it doesn’t sound like you want to go anyway.

You say it “wouldn’t cost them anything” but do you really want to go for a 5 minute speech and then leave? That sounds silly. Also if there is a limit on guest numbers they can’t just have you milling around, there’s fire regulations to take into account.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend can rehearse his speech wiht you and you can see him in his tux beforehand (or after). That’s what you want right?

But yes, not being invited does suck.

Post # 13
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why should you be invited? They barely know you, and you don’t even want to be there to support them. In fact, I think you have a pretty spoilt attitude about the whole thing. It’s not about you its their wedding.


Post # 14
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I personally think it is generally unacceptable to not invite someone’s partner, especially if the guest is a member of the bridal party.I also don’t think it’s appropriate for others to put arbitrary guidelines as to what signifies a “serious enough” relationship.

I went to a wedding where my boyfriend of nearly two years (we were living together) was not invited and I had to fly internationally to be there. It was miserable because I didn’t have anyone to dance with during the slow songs. I only knew the bride, groom and another couple. I felt like the third wheel to the couple I had come with. I think in some cases, the couple needs to consider the comfort and enjoyment of their guests.

To the OP: However, your Boyfriend or Best Friend probably knows a lot of people at the wedding. If he’s comfortable about the arrangment, then that’s what matters. This isn’t really about you, although I understand why you’d feel slighted.

Post # 15
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry but as i am currently in planning mode this bugs me.

Regardless of what they decided, it is THEIR wedding (that you dont care about), THEIR money, that will be attended by THEIR friends and family (who love and care about the couple and their happiness).

Stop being a brat, you haven’t been together a year yet, and i for one am following that rule strictly on my guest list. a year isn’t a long time and i want to everyone to know us as a couple.

 

Post # 16
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Talluna:  I understand why you are annoyed. As a gf, I was left out of many weddings, and usually due to budget concerns. As a gf, many of my bf’s were left out of weddings too. Many people cannot afford a huge wedding and tend to leave out SO’s unless they are engaged or essentially common law. I won’t say that being together for a year is nothing, because I certainly knew my Fiance and I were going to get married by then, but at the same time, many 1 year relationships end. Beyond this, as the Bridesmaid or Best Man, you really wouldn’t see him at all throughout the night.

I think the fact that you don’t want to go to see them married, but want to go to see your bf’s speech would be enough for me to cut you from my guest list. Personally, I only want people at my wedding that I know well and would want to see me get married.

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