- 3 years ago
I really don’t know what to do about my situation. I have been dating a super sweet, shy, sensitive, handsome, younger man who I met overseas in the UK for the past 6 months, and I (as well as it seems strongly he) wants to be together for the rest of our lives. We get each other on many levels, I feel I am talking to the male version of myself when I’m with him, and we have great physical chemistry. We both would like to be here in the US, as I love my current state, city and job.
The problem is he’s poor… like, very poor. He works in construction, which over there, he doesn’t get paid that much (on top of the major income discrepancy like their taxes/NHS, to the US) and I think he only works on a contract basis, so it’s not a FT job. He doesn’t have college education (nor his parents did, as they were immigrants to the UK). We met at a hostel that we both were rooming at when I was a poor Grad student as well, which I didn’t realize till later he had been staying at for some time. I work in technology now so I can make enough money to support both of us, even fly/immigrate him over – and the thought was even if we have a kid over time, I would support us over that too. I have no problems with it, because I’ve dated many guys in the past who had good money/jobs.. and they all ended up just being controlling jerks. My guy lets me do whatever I want and be who I am – altho he defin. doesn’t let me control him personally. The thought is, or later expectations is, he would take care of our home and family while I work.
But… here is the first major challenge I’m struggling with: He knows we both see a “forever” in this – yet.. he doesn’t have the money to propose or do anything.He can’t fly here without my help, or unless we wait… I don’t know, several months for him to rack enough money to fly/immigrate/pay the fees to be here (it could be a couple thousand dollars)? It’s difficult talking money with him b/c I don’t want to emasculate him. Also, the Brits are VERY indirect, as he is, about ANY sensitive topics and he doesn’t like me being direct about things. So I feel confused, lost at how to go about this. I last offered to pay for his passport and plane ticket, but he seemed upset over that.
The last thing I know, he did tell me he was previously engaged, and had proposed to his ex. He also told me it took him a long time to save up for the ring (and he hinted, the diamond was very small). If anyone knows about prices in the UK, you know what I’m talking about. 😐
So… I don’t know. Can I propose to this guy if he can’t afford it? Or it seems like if I don’t propose, I’m going to be waiting a looong time for him to get sorted about this? I’m almost 40 and he’s 30. I don’t care about him getting an expensive ring (or a wedding) as I would be happy if we were to elope. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to mange or communicate this to him – without being very direct or emasculating him? Would proposing to him seem like a bad idea?
Ps. His Mother and Sister knows about me and I think our wanting for him to immigrate over and they have spied on my social media. Not sure if I should talk to them? He has a bad relationship with his Father.
Pls no criticism about his finances or our age difference pls. Thank you if you have any experience or knowledge in this.