My BF is very poor, what am I allowed to do and can/cannot do?

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You should be able to talk to him about these types of things. Is he ok being a Stay-At-Home Dad, when does he see you getting married? Would he be ok with his wife proposing? These are questions only he can answer. 

If he is in construction he should be able to make more when/if he moves to the States. 

Post # 4
Member
17 posts
Newbee

This sounds a bit rushed tbh. Think long and hard about this. Will you resent him in the long run? Is he capable of being a sahd? Can he cook/clean/manage a house? What are his expectations as far as extra money for his wants? Can you afford the lifestyle he expects?

my ex had the impression he would be a sahh because I earned significantly more. I would come home from 24+hour shifts to a messy house, piled s of dirty laundry, no food and him either passed out drunk or playing video games… (thus why he’s an “ex”).

i wouldn’t rush to propose until you’ve lived together for at least a few months. Fly him out on a travel visa and see how you get on. It’s cheaper than a divorce… trust me!

Post # 5
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t think you are crazy. My fiance and I are both from different countries and were engaged after 7 months of dating. We are both international students and my engagement ring was under $300. I still love it more than anything. I think you are fine to propose, just make sure you are both on the same page of what you are wanting out of life and that you are both willing to work for a strong relationship. That’s all you can do 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I wouldn’t say my Fiance is poor or anything but he has a lot more expenses than I have currently. I paid the 7k for his visa and he saved for the engagement ring and to fly over. However, we have been together for 4 years at this stage and we consider our savings to be “our” money. 

Post # 7
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you want to get married to this man, you should be able to discuss everything directly without dancing around topics.

Post # 8
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
usdatingbrit :  a few things stick out to me here:

 

1.) extremely short-term relationship

2.) extreme income disparity

3.) extreme educational disparity

4.) extreme lack of career growth opportunity for the guy

5.) fear of “immasculating” him with your hard-earned money

 

points 2 & 3 seems like a recipe for resentment if you end up getting engaged/married as it seems like you’ll be the main (only?) stable source of financial support. Is this something you’re 1000% sure you can live with? If you can, I’d still pump the brakes a bit. You’ve only known him for 6 months, and are likely still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Maybe have him live with you for a while to see if he *actually* has the qualities needed to be a Stay-At-Home Dad, or if it just seems that way because of how he’s acted over your brief time knowing each other. 

 

if if you’re dead-set on moving forward, you should probably start discussing living/lifestyle expectations to see if you can provide him with the lifestyle he expects if he is to move here…because you will likely be expected to fund it.

 

just trying to bring a bit of realism to this situation—I truly hope I haven’t offended you with what I’m saying. Good luck!  

Post # 9
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I would be cautious, Bee. There are many people that while would be appreciative for the help in achieving something they want (in his case, moving to you), but eventually it can wear on their confidence and their self worth. I did this with an ex, and at first, I was perfectly fine but after awhile it changed our relationship. We were no longer romantic after awhile and I soon become resentful towards him.

I think offering to pay for visits and such would be ideal, but jumping ahead so soon after 6 months seems a little risky. I think giving it at least another 6 months would be better just to make sure this is everything you want.

Post # 10
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t get engaged at this point, but I think it would be wise for you to make another visit to him. If you’re planning on doing a K1 visa, you should read lots of info on it. It sounds like he won’t be approved for several reasons (huge age gap, difference in education levels, huge earning gap, fast engagement). He’s got a high chance of being flagged for fraud. 

Post # 11
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

A British bee here,

What is he spending his money on to be that poor?? Construction in the UK pays quite well, my dad is in construction and is quite well off. 

You really need to think this through carefully. Money is one of the biggest reasons couples argue and couples divorce. You might be ok right now with the difference in your pay checks because you’re still very much in the honeymoon period – you need to decide if one day you’ll feel resentment. My British ex was appalling with money, he said it’s because he earnt little however when we moved in together I realised that wasn’t the issue. The issue was his spending. In the end I was having to support him a lot and I started to resent him. I felt like his mother not a partner. 

How well do you know him? How many times in the last 6 months have you met up? 

Please don’t rush this just because of your ages. Maybe I’m wrong but it seems from your post that is what is happening. 

Post # 12
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Proposing doesn’t cost anything

Being engaged doesn’t cost anything

Getting married doesn’t have to cost very much….. its possible to have a great day for under 1k

 

If you really weant to be together forever, just talk to him and decide TOGETHER how you’re going to make it happen…. it really can be that simple if you want it to be!

Post # 13
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

View original reply
happybridetobe1988 :  yeah what you said, in fact my construction based friends who aren’t on a full time contract earn more than FT staff. I’m also unsure where the OP gets this idea that’s there a discrepancy between income and taxes?

 

Post # 14
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills

Agree with other bees, I wouldn’t rush into marriage and try living together first. Six months is not a very long time. 

That being said, his earning potential will be a lot greater in the States. I know people in construction who make plenty of money. 

Post # 15
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I don’t see this working if you can’t truly talk about such serious issues. And being a brit is not an excuse. My mom’s entire side of the family is British and they are very direct. I would say it’s absolutely possible but only if you can have these deeper conversations. Good luck, bee!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors