(Closed) My BF Lied About A Proposal

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1531 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

He’s definitely trying to make you feel guilty for ruining the surprise even if he hasn’t done anything about it. Does he lie about other things or only the proposal? I don’t like how you don’t have a timeline but only ‘maybe’ next year. Do not buy a house with this guy unless you’re content with not being engaged.

Post # 3
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee

so let me see if i’m understanding this…you weren’t getting engaged this year because you couldn’t afford it. though he could afford all the things he wanted to buy, of course. but maaaaaaaaaybe next year, except no, obviously not because thats when you guys would be buying the house.

so you called him out on not proposing for lack of funds at which point he tells you its your fault that he hasn’t proposed in a way that you would have hated anyway bc now you’ve ruined the surprise…that is fictitious bc he hadn’t been looking into anything since the stadium doesn’t even offer this service anymore. but your relationship is great? :-/

Post # 4
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The baseball stadium thing sounds like a copout. I’m sure he was just coming up with something on the spot since you challenged him. I don’t know bee, I would sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this. When does he see being engaged versus when you want to be engaged? What about budget- are you expecting an expensive ring and proposal? I think these are all factors to discuss. Just for reference, when I was in the waiting phase my Fiance thought that I expected a $5-10k ring and elaborate proposal because that’s what his sister expected of her Fiance. When I started to get anxious about waiting, I had a chat with him about it and expectations. He was surprised that I didn’t want any of that. He proposed at home with a ring within our budget (that I love) and I think that original convo took the pressure off of him. Maybe he’s feeling pressured to do the same. Have a conversation and see what his feelings are, you might be surprised. Best of luck to you xx

Post # 5
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Does the stadium offer a breakup package?

Bee, I am so sorry you’re hurting. He is deliberately stalling and trying to make it seem like this is your fault. If I were you, I’d make him say it to me. “Money is an issue…” “No it isn’t. You bought x, y, z which cost more than my ring. So what gives?” He’ll come up with another bs excuse. 

To me, this is unforgivable. This is a major life event. A major life event that the two of you have discussed, agreed upon, and taken steps to make a reality (picking out the ring). He’s now lied about his intentions and tried to blame you for his inaction. 

What should you do? If I were in your shoes, I’d leave him. I’m not sure I’d be able to move past this or accept a proposal from him (when and if he decides there would be one) in the future. He can’t undo what he’s done.

You deserve better. 

Post # 6
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

In my experience, people who are generally honest won’t sudenly and spontaneously lie about something unecessary like this (this achieves nothing but making you more upset).  I’d be very surprised if this was the first thing he’s been dishonest about.

Post # 7
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Face facts bee……you’re being lied to and strung along.  If he wanted to marry you, you wouldn’t have to argue about it.  So go ahead and have the hard talk.  If you want to put in a timeline do so but there has to be consequences attached….and they need to be enforced.  My personal opinion?  He wants to get married one day, just not to you.  Good luck bee you so is a liar and a coward.

Post # 8
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m sorry, that’s so hurtful. It sounds like he’s deliberately stalling but maybe he’s not. It’s a really bad idea to buy a house with or be too financially entangled with someone you’re not married to. When you’re married and divorced you have to sort it all out to get divorced and you have the ability to force the issue. When you’re not married someone has to take the initiative and PROVE that they are entitled to something like a house to get anything back out of it. I think every woman I know who has bought a house before marriage has ended up breaking up, leaving and never getting a cent out of the house because he just decided to live there forever. You need to talk to him about it for sure. Be open honest, try not to approach it angrily (I know that’s asking a lot I’d be furious) and get on the same page or out. 

Post # 9
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

I don’t want to get your hopes up, but is it possible he’s trying to throw you off his tracks because he wants it to be a surprise? My fiancé and I had a number of talks about our plans and so we ended up skipping the big proposal. 

I would approach it and bring this option up. Say if he is planning something, you will back off, but it needs to be by X date. See what he says. If he really does need 2 more years, perhaps he is not the one for you.

Post # 10
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
supern3rd :  if he has taken five years to not propose to you and he’s not even planning on doing it this year or next I would dump him and move on. He should have proposed to you by now!  

Post # 12
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
sablescorpion22 :  I truly believe that if a man wants to be married to you he will buy the ring and make it happen. A guy who stalls, takes forever to propose, strings you along, doesn’t really want to marry you. He might marry you eventually, because he feels like he has to…but that’s not the marriage you want. You want a guy who loves you so much, he can’t wait to take you off the market! Not one who finally caved in and propose after a million years of dating. (I guess the exception is for people who started dating as teens and then took a long time to get engaged because they were so young. Etc.)

Post # 13
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I don’t want to redeem your boyfriend’s actions. He’s being totally immature. However, some more information is seriously needed before I personally would go as far as to say “dump his ass” – particularly answers to several questions. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best damn thing that can ever or will ever happen to you, how would you rate the last 5 years spent with this man? Have you had ANY other fights before? How did he handle them?

This could be a fight or flight response. Men get scared about proposing, even if they love their woman to death. It’s not like they hate us – they just want it to happen right because they love us and want the best for us. 

If you would, without question, rate your overall relationship with this man in the range of 7-10, I would seriously consider not dumping him. This could just be a flight or fight response (which is, essentially, panic). It’s a shitty response, and a really immature one, but it could just be that he’s scared. 

Now, if it is a flight or fight response, it’s conditional, meaning that this might happen to some degree whenever he is stressed or scared (or maybe not – proposals are uniquely stressful). It’s just baggage that will come with this particular man, and it’s something you need to prepare for if you do keep him. 

You really need to compare this to other fights you have had in the past. Is this a trend? Well, then, just prepare for this to be your life if you stay with him, that’s all. If this is super weird for him and not normal, it could just be that he’s scared. 

They say that once a liar always a liar, but lying about something as stressful as a proposal is no reason to dump him….unless he is a genuine dick. But you can only determine if he’s a genuine dick if you compare this to your overall history with this man.

Five years is a long time to get to know someone. I think you can rationalize this down 🙂 Best of luck, bee!

Post # 14
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

#1 Are you sure you have a great relationship? If he knows how important marriage is to you he wouldn’t be stringing you along. He would have made that commitment at some time in the last 5 years. 

#2 Just because he wants to pick a sports setting to pop the question should not bother you. Maybe that’s how he wants to make it special to him. I will never understand why it is only supposed to be special to the gal and not the guy. 

#3 Don’t buy a house with someone you don’t have a commitment to. Dating or living together for five years is not the same. 

After 5 years I think it’s time for a big discussion. You may not like what you hear, but you need to be prepared for that. The old saying, “Why buy the cow when the milks for free” could apply. Maybe he has everything he wants for now and is comfortable with the arrangement as it is now. You need to decide if this is all you want because it may be all you can get from him.

Best of luck!

 

Post # 15
Member
2875 posts
Sugar bee

You need to sit down with him and insist upon full honesty. He has taken control over every aspect of your proposal, your engagement timeline, and thus your future.

1. Tell him you know he’s lying about the baseball stadium thing, because you looked up the proposal packages, and they haven’t offered them for 4 years.

2. Ask him why he’s lying. Does he not feel ready for engagement right now? Does he not feel sure about engagement to you specifically?

3. Ask him what he needs to be ready for engagement. You need concrete items here, don’t settle for whatever vague explanations he may try to offer. For example, he says it’s money. Bring up his recent purchases and demand an exact amount he needs to be ready. Once he says the amount, ask him why he’s been postponing your futures by making purchases preventing him from reaching that amount.

4. Stop being passive!

It honestly sounds like he’s trying to jump forward to buying a house with you, without proposing. Don’t do it, and don’t let him get away with it. You wanted to be engaged first, and honestly after that many years, you deserve to know where the relationship is going. You don’t want the entanglement of a house and mortgage with this man after his lies and spending sprees.

 

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