(Closed) My BF used to tell people I was ugly before we got together!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

IndecisiveBee123:  I would always worry about what he thought of me if I were you. I don’t know if I could get past it. Also, saying things like that to his friends shows a side of him that’s a bit scary. 

 

Post # 47
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

OP, how old are you guys? Some people say really stupid things if they feel pressured. Oviously you both are dating now, so he must find you attractive in order to date you. Is it possible he said you were ugly to his ex so she would not have you on her radar?

My ex used to say other women were ugly to me, when in fact he was trying to get them into bed. He was the lowest form of a human being. 

His words are very immature, and I am not sure why he felt the need to speak about you in such an ill manner, but I do know, it is your job to speak with him in openly and honestly.

I would start off by saying, I am hearing some things, and I want to get them out into the open. 

Then offer up your feelings, tell him you are now feeling insecure in the releationship, and you need him to be honest.

If he says he really felt you were unattractive… let him vent. Some people do not find an instant attaraction to their mate. 

If he says he was just saying it… listen, but please listen with your whole heart. No guy should ever need to lie to his girlfriend to make her feel more secure in her relationship. If he feels the need to be untruthful, then you get to see his true colors at an early point in your relationship, and true colors really determine what is to come. 

I wish you the best.

 

Post # 48
Member
2515 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ew, dump him. He’s not a nice guy. A real, good, grown man wouldn’t have said those things. The right guy will make you feel beautiful and will think you’re beautiful.

Post # 49
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

This is so mean! I’m so sorry you had to hear that! 

Honestly I would talk to him and see what he has to say about it… Maybe he’ll put your mind at ease. 

Otherwise I don’t think I would be able to be with my husband if I knew he called me ugly to several people. 

Post # 51
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

I could get over the fact that he didn’t find me that attractive in the past. It would hurt like hell, and it would undermine my confidence with him for a long time, but I could look past it – perceptions of beauty are so fickle, and depend a lot on the bond you have with a person.

However, I could not get over the immaturity and downright cruelty of joking about a supposed FRIEND behind her back, one that he knew had feelings for him, and publicly mocking her for her looks to other mutual friends. That’s simply horrific behavior.

If these were dumb things he said as an idiot teenager, and you two were now 30, then fine. But that’s not the case. He said them over the course of many years, while he was an adult, as recently as a few months before he began dating you. His changing attraction to you is unfortunate, but explainable; his mocking you behind your back for years speaks to his character – and it speaks LOUDLY.

Post # 53
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

To be blunt, I wouldn’t put up with that. I have self consious enough (most girls are) and I don’t care if my current Boyfriend or Best Friend said it in the past, before we were dating. The fact that he said it multiple times, to multiple different, is what makes it even worse. One time is a mistake-more then once is intentional. I would very hurt that my boyfriend had said those things about me. I would feel like, if he had said them, there’s a part of himself that believed it. I would never, ever continue a relationship with someone who didn’t, at least, think I was pretty. Plus, I can’t believe he’s that ‘good’ of a guy if he went out of his way to say those things about you, especially if you were ‘friends’. Some friend he is. Personally, I’d drop him. I don’t tolerate things like that. But again, this is all up to you. At the very least, he’s got a LOT of explaining to do. 

Post # 54
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2006

maybe he liked you but wasn’t confident in himself to say it out loud around his friends ext as they may think your not a stereo typical blonde size 0 big busted girl his friends like. Peers and their pressure can count for alot. Maybe it was his way of making others not want you but he was in a relationship and wanted you secretly so did it to keep other lads away. X

Post # 55
Member
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

IndecisiveBee123:  I had an ex who used to say this one girl that his friend was hooking up with was really ugly… next thing I knew, he was dating her as soon as we broke up. I’m not sure if it was trying to make her out to not be a threat to me or what. Im sure she would be pissed if she knew he talked about her like that when they were just friends. 

I think you just need to talk to him about it. Maybe he wanted people to stop asking him so that was the first thing that came to mind, or he was trying to make his ex feel more secure…who knows?

Post # 56
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

IndecisiveBee123:  I think one can become attracted to someone they never previously considered romantically. It’s like one day you look at that person and you catch something you’ve never seen before. Where you do find them attractive but you just never noticed for one reason or another. I’ve experienced that, and it is genuine attraction.

Another thing to consider is that maybe you a more attractive now. We’ve all heard of ugly duckling syndrome. Maybe you came into your own as a woman. Even styling, the clothes and makeup we wear, can make us more or less attractive to another. I know I look way better now then I did in my early twenties…I have better style and awareness of what makes me look good.

However, calling you ugly is a juvenile thing to say. I can get why maybe he’d say that to his ex, especially if you guys were friends and maybe she was jealous. Calling you ugly to her would allow her to become less jealous. And maybe people were teasing him about you liking him and he was trying to back them off by defecting and saying your ugly. Is he easily embarrassed? There are very few people is this world that I would categorize as “ugly”. I think most people have genuine beautiful charateristics. And there is someone for everyone.

PP were right, if he shows he is proud that you’re his girl I’d let it go. A bruise to the ego, yes, but don’t let it ruin the fact that you’ve finally won the man of your affection. 

Post # 57
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am sorry, dear. I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I have to be honest. Physical attraction is very important to men. Does every man marry Miss Universe, no, of course not. What I mean is, men tend to want to be with women that they believe are beautiful (in their eyes). I can’t tell you how many guys my Darling Husband knows who are married to women that they are not attracted to, and boy do they cheat with every woman who will let them. They are using their wives for something else, and it is different in each situation. 

I would walk away… I am not telling you to do what I would of course, you have to decide that for yourself. My Darling Husband says that I am beautiful all of the time. He is so proud to be with me, and he bragged about my attractiveness to his friends, family, etc… He tells me I am beautiful almost every day, whether I am dressed up to go somewhere or lounging around the house. I would not want to be with someone who would make me insecure because he thought (and probably still thinks that I am “ugly”). He could have said that you were not his type or that he was not interested without saying that you were ugly! He used that word for a reason… He went around and told people that, and it is so embarassing because you have to face these people now. He even said that again 3 months before dating you. Perhaps he wanted someone who was very into him, like you were this time around. That still does not remove the horrible things he said. I wish you well, whatever you decide! 

Post # 58
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

The past is the past!

Love changes how we look at people. It matters what he thinks now!

Post # 59
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

IndecisiveBee123:  That sucks! How heart breaking to hear that  I think you should definitely confront him.

How did you guys get together? Did he ever explain why he had a change of heart about dating you? 

Post # 60
Member
7898 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It hurts to hear something like that. It’s quite possible that his feelings changed, and in that case, I would just leave it in the past if he really cares for you now. I agree with asking him about it tonight. There are always two sides to the story. I hope it goes well!

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