Post # 1
So a little backstory… I met my wonderful boyfriend a few years ago. We happily dated for a year and then my friend and his brother started dating. She changed really quickly after that and became really competitive with me to the point that our friendship deteriorrated. It’s sad but I’ve come to accept the new her and I know that you can’t compete/compare relationships because every single one is different 🙂
That being said, my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been discussing marriage and getting engaged a lot in the past few months. He’s just saving up for a ring and wants to surprise me (so sweet!) I feel totally ready but I’m also so happy that I’m not in a big rush. That is until I overheard her telling some one at a party that she thinks her Boyfriend or Best Friend (my BF’s brother) is going to propose over the holidays… it hit me like a ton of bricks!!!
I’m just not ready to accept that this person will a) be a part of my life for the rest of my life b) be super competitive and smug over the fact that she got engaged first c) that I’ll have to attend a bunch of wedding related events and put on a happy face.. d) if we get engaged soon after, I know she’s going to say we “copied” them which won’t be true but will be annoying.
I would never want to change my plans just to “beat” someone else to the punch, but we’ve been together longer and I’m just NICER so I’d really like to be first! I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t know how I’m going to get past this?? I’ve talked to my Boyfriend or Best Friend about it and he’s totally on the same page (he can’t stand her) so at least I have his support. But OMG what do I do??? Am I crazy?
Post # 3
Well, I wouldn’t panic yet. She said she thinks, so that could just be wishful thinking on her part. No matter what, her relationship is always going to be a stepping stone for her, whereas what you have wasn’t dependent on being better than other couples you know, or faster.
Post # 4
Breathe in and then out and just try to stay above it. You seem to be doing a good job so far not letting her get too much to you, and not getting tangled in the competitiveness of it all. Usually the best solution to dealing with ppl like her is to show her you’re not even in her silly game. So if it does happen congratulate her and go to mandated events and just try to be the level-headed SIL to both her and SO’s brother.
Hopefully in time she’ll grow up, but in the mean time concentrate on your own relationship and happiness, who gets engaged first is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
Post # 5
If she does get engaged first, relax. Because she is going first, you can make sure yoru wedding is better. 😉
Post # 6
Could your Boyfriend or Best Friend do some undercover work and chat to his brother to see if he is, in fact going to propose over the holidays?
Maybe she has just misinterpreted something he has said?
I think you guys need to get engaged when it suits you and when it feels right for you, not to beat someone else to the punch. However I can totally understand how you feel and I can imagine I would probably feel the same way!!
Post # 7
Ohh, I feel you. You are not crazy.
I think you should try not to worry too much and not give yourself stress like that though! And I agree with PPs!
Post # 9
I wouldnt let that bother me. Are you guys even friends still? Do you want to be? I would just be happy for your bfs brother finding someone he would put a ring on and leave it at that. All that stuff sounds immature and youd be the bigger person to realize this isnt a race even if she did. Hope it all works out!
Post # 10
I dont think you should worry about “who got engaged first”. being engaged is a temporary status in a relationship as it is, and once you are married its not going to matter. There are bigger problems in the world.
Post # 11
Ah that sucks! I think you should just not let her get to you. She can say whatever she is going to say, but you can just focus on YOUR life together and your plans and not worry about them.
Post # 12
when I was waiting I had a friend exactly like her! I tried to rise above and focus on making my and FI’s relationship stronger. Guess what happened to my friend who was so concerned about “winning” and getting married first? First they postponed their wedding just hours before(last month). Second, they broke up last week. So, I would focus on being happy in your healthy relationship and enjoy the excitement and anticipation of knowing you’re about to be happily engaged!
Post # 13
@GingerSnap28: I can relate to your situation from the other end. My FH’s brother has been with his Girlfriend for longer than FH and I. I don’t consider myself competitive, but early on in our relationship, the Girlfriend got drunk and told me that people were “betting” on who would get engaged first. So I knew she was dying to get engaged first. FH and I moved at our own pace and were ready.
I have to say that FBIL’s Girlfriend acted like a total ass when we got engaged. It was completely ridiculous and petty and hurtful to me. I understand she was upset, but she handled herself so immaturely.
So all I can say is to prepare yourself if they get engaged first and even though it may hurt, please just congratulate her and be polite. It sounds like you are already having a good attitude, and since these people will be your family it will go a long way. As a PP said, it doesn’t matter in the end who got engaged or married first!
Post # 14
Thanks everyone! I know ya’ll are right and I shouldn’t let it get to me. I just wish that she wasn’t so competitive – she tracks EVERYTHING… who met their parents sooner into the relationship, who said “I love you” sooner, she was livid with my SO and I moved in together. It can be a little exhausting to keep smiling through all of that
I will do my very best to remember that it doesn’t matter – because it really doesn’t – and I won’t let our soured relationship ruin anything for them. But I am really hoping that she’s wrong and it’s not happening yet. I just need a little more time to wrap my head around all of this!
Post # 15
@miss_blondie86: Good idea! He talked to his parents and sister last night and they haven’t heard anything about this so I’m hoping it was a false alarm.. he’s going to talk to his brother sometime this week and casually ask about their holiday plans.
@Stammie16: That is super hurtful! I’m sorry she wasn’t more supportive. I will definitely keep that in mind 🙂
@texasgirl29: That makes me feel so much better! I love knowing that I’m not the only person who has ever gone through something like this!!
Post # 16
Oh my gosh, you are a saint for putting up with that! I have friends like that and I’ve just had to slowly cut them out of my life… but to be permanently related to one? Sheesh! I’m glad you’ve kept your head and can be civil.
On the plus side, you are the happier one. People who compare and compete like that are never as happy as people who don’t.