Post # 1
I (31 F) am marrying my fiance (38 M) this summer (he will actually be 39 by the time we get married).
The plan has always been to go on our honeymoon, wait 3 months (we are going to a Zika zone) and then try. Now it has hit me that that would mean trying in 6 months time….which is really soon.
I am not too happy at work…which is nuts because on paper I have the dream job. I work 2 mins from home and work in the evening. Partner works in the morning (perfect for kids, we would need no childcare). But I don’t feel challenged at work and I’m actually quite bored. I would love to look elsewhere. I work for myself, but because of that money is tight and I never know how much I’m earning each month. It’s unpredictable.
I am also scared. Scared about how much our lives will change. I love our social life at the moment. We go out quite a bit. I’ve recently started running and love seeing my running friends.
I also am excited about having more disposable income to travel a bit more once the wedding is over. At the moment all our money is going towards savings for the wedding. I am looking froward to being able to go away with my husband-to-be, we both love travelling.
However I am also very aware that by next summer he will be 40.
We are both very open and have spoken about it and it seems we are both on the page and he feels the same as me. He says he doesn’t mind starting 3 months after the honeymoon and he is also doesn’t mind waiting.
Did anyone else feel this way? Will these feelings ever go away??
Post # 2
I was always very concerned about waiting too late to have a baby. I am the same age as you, and I have been trying for the last five years but I have a tubal abnormality. I have just been put on the waitlist for IVF. My specialist says time is definitely on our side with my age, and she has zero concerns in that regard. My husband is older than yours – hes getting closer to 50, and all of his tests look great. He has a son who was born when he was in his early 40’s, and he has never felt like he waited too late, and there were no issues with conception. I would think you still have some time before age becomes a concern, but of course its not the same for everyone, and I understand why you might be anxious about it. Have you considered fertility preservation? Egg and sperm freezing or embryo freezing? It may let you relax a bit until you’re feeling more ready for starting your family.
Post # 3
I felt really similarly to you, and we were in a similar age range when we got married (me 31, dh 36), but in the end my concerns about my fertiliy outweighed everything else, so we started trying about three months after our wedding (took six months). There’s a history of infertility in my family though so that was weighing on me heavily.
In your case, some of the issues you have could maybe be resolved if you waited like 6-12 months. Like the traveling. Delay TTC a bit longer and take a big trip or two – maybe then you’ll feel more ready. With a relatively short delay like that, there shouldn’t be any impact on you or your husband’s fertility.
As for the social life stuff – yeah your social life will take a hit, especially with a newborn, but we’ve found that having one child isn’t a huge obstacle in terms of going out to eat a lot and socializing, and even traveling. We still go out to eat way more than we should, and we’ve taken four trips involving air travel with our baby who’s 6 months old now. It’s really doable with one kid, in our experience. Obviously there’s not quite the happy go lucky vibe of travel/socializing you have pre-kids, but it’s not like you can’t do anything.
But the career stuff is more ambiguous. I feel you because I am also a freelancer and my career isn’t quite where I’d like it to be…I dont feel challenged or inspired by what I do lol. But it could take years to get to that point, and I didn’t feel like we could afford to wait that long. I will say, not sure what line of work you’re in, but my work (editing/copy writing) is very flexible time-wise and I’ve actually been able to keep up with it really well since having a baby – I’ve even expanded actually. I get the bulk of my work done while the baby is napping or before she wakes up in the morning.
Post # 4
I was scared, more scared than I’ve ever been and not sure I was ready.
Then we had our daughter on May 2 and I’m not 100% sure what I was scared of anymore. The changes to our lives have been so well worth it, she makes me so much happier and honestly, she makes me a better person. I’ve changed in a lot of scary ways but all of those changes have been good ones.
Sometimes you just have to take the leap for something that’s well worth it.
Post # 5
So to give a completely opposite account from PPs: I wish we had waited longer before having a baby. Granted, time was on our side, but even at your/your fiance’s age, I don’t think waiting 6-12 months longer is a dealbreaker.
I love my son more than anything, but he was a difficult baby. We are just starting to feel normal again and he’ll be 15 months soon. I still miss the freedom and flexibility I had before he was born. We only traveled with him once before realizing it was more stress than it was worth (he barely slept the entire trip…). I’ve only been outside of the house after dark a handful of times since he was born. Of course there are joys, and watching him learn and grow is incredible. I look at him and melt. BUT I can never go back to a time where I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I could’ve had another year of that (or more lol) and still ended up with the same sweet little boy I have now, that would’ve been perfect!
Post # 6
I just had my first child 1 day shy of 35 And DH is 45, we also plan to have another child. We started TTC immediately after our wedding and it took us 2+ years to conceive due to recurrent pregnancy loss. The silver lining in our TTC journey is that we got to grow as a married couple, traveled to multiple destinations, frequently had dates nights and spent time enjoying married life. I dont feel that we lost out on anything by being ‘older’ parents. If you are not ready, there is nothing wrong with waiting a bit longer until you are ready. I understand that feeling of your clock ticking, but you do still have time at 31.
Post # 7
If you have reservations, I would recommend waiting… Having a baby/toddler changes everything. As TheGridMonster said, I don’t just get to go out whenever I want to. We always have to arrange for the sitter if my hubby and I want to go out (no family nearby). Traveling with our child is a pain for us. I think people have easier kids and/or more patience, but to me it is kind of stressful.
I can’t go out after work with colleagues like I used to and since she sleeps at 7p, someone always has to be home after 7p. Anyway, that is my life. I know some people don’t mind, or have grandparents/aunts nearby who will babysit all the time. I still miss my old life sometimes, but for us it was finally time to have kids as I am alot older than you.
Post # 8
I’m 29 and my partner is 29. We just got married middle of May and before then we had always agreed, mid 30’s before trying. But now we are married I am starting to panic about my biological clock too and all I can think about is babies. I know everyone and every pregnancy is different but I can’t help feel a little panicked about being an “older” pregnant lady and the complication that may arise, but on the other hand I also panic a little at the thought of having a child now as like you, we are very sociable, well traveled, good to ourselves and loving life! If you’re feeling this way I say, don’t put a time on it just yet.
Focus on the wedding, enjoy the rest of the planning, enjoy ya’lls day. THEN after as husband and wife sit down and decide where to move forward with babies. Everything can be a bit overwhelming in the lead up to a wedding.
Post # 9
I would table it and discuss again after the wedding.
I wouldn’t recommend trying until you’re both ready mentally. Having a baby is incredibly mentally and physically draining (and it’s wonderful, yes, but its hard). It flips and shakes your world around. I have a 4 year old and am currently pregnant. Gone are the days where I could go out after work, lay lazily in bed on the weekends, etc etc etc. Of course I love my kids but I don’t think there’s harm in waiting if you don’t feel ready.
Im definitely with TheGridMonster :
on this one. This was my experience also. A lot of it depends on your baby and their temperament as well, and unfortunately that’s not something you get to choose. You might have an extremely relaxed chill baby or a baby with colic who cannot stand to be set down or held by anyone but you.