(Closed) My birthday and my thoughtless FI…

posted 8 years ago in Holidays
Post # 3
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m sorry that you can’t count on him for this. I have the same sort of problem, except that mine will promise a gift and never follow through on it…I still haven’t gotten my Christmas gift, but I know that’s just the way he is (he also promised flowers for Valentine’s Day and even swore that he’d already ordered them).

Post # 4
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should drop hints since you LOVE your birthday.  There’s nothing wrong with it.

I know you are trying to save money for the wedding but a card or flowers is something small.

Last year for our birthdays… before the wedding, we kept it small with him getting me flowers and a card.  Just something small.

He and I both ask each other… “So what am I getting for my birthday?”  half joking.

Or we will both drop hints, for presents that are not that expensive.  

Or you could just say something like, “I can’t believe I turn # on Wednesday.”  And see what he does.

ETA: HAPPY BIRTHDAY by the way.  Isn’t it exciting that you are getting married at (insert your age).  This time next year, you’ll be a married woman!  Yay!

Post # 6
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My family celebrates every holiday (I still get St. Patrick’s Day cards from my mum), and we have always made a big deal out of birthdays.  Plus, I’m North American, so holiday usually equals commercial event. FI’s family celebrates everything – even traditional Korean holidays – in a very low key way, and the only thing he has ever received from his parents on his birthday post-age 10 is seaweed soup.  So when we first started dating, we struggled a lot with our different expectations.  I think I’ve been able to suceed with birthdays in that now he researches which restaurant he is going to take me to, and has even ventured into jewellery stores by himself.  Christmas on the other hand is a no-go.  I’m hoping that when we have kids, he will be more receptive to all the joys of the season, but for now it’s still a point of contention. 

Post # 7
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I got a really sweet email this year (we’re LDR, so I told him not send a gift – we’re saving for the wedding and postage is expensive, afterall!) but I was kind of hoping for a phone call.

The email was pretty sweet though, and I didn’t have to remind him, he remembered on his own. And he promised to take me out for belated cake when I’m back in the States. 🙂

Post # 8
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Indian Head Camp, Honesdale Pennsylvania

Hah! That could be Mr. Veggie you’re talking about. I too have come to the realization that my man is jut not as thoughtful as normal human beings are. He sucks as birthdays and Christmas, and I have no hope that our anniversaries will be any better. And although I think he’s slowly starting to learn, sometimes his day-to-day thoughtlessness is shocking. I am right there with you girl. I hope you have a great day. I hope he does manage to pull off something special, but if he doesn’t, just use it as an opportunity to treat yourself to a fun day out, a new dress, and a good meal. I know I always do! Happy birthday!

Post # 9
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010


Post # 10
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

If having him recognize and celebrate your birthday is very important to you, I think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you don’t let him know this.  Some people just aren’t “birthday people” and don’t get why it’s important to others to have the occasion marked by a card or special party (I don’t get the point of cards and hope I haven’t been secretly disappointing my husband this whole time 🙂 )  Does he normally have a good memory for dates (bdays, anniversaries, etc.), or do these things normally slip his mind?  Does he mark other life events?

From how you describe him (makes you laugh, makes you feel good about yourself, listens very well), I would consider that thoughtful, as he takes thought for the comfort and good of others, and seems like he has careful consideration for making you feel wonderful.  Sometimes people just need a nudge in the right direction to know how to make someone feel valued.

Post # 11
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh man, I hope he remembers too!  I would be so disappointed if he forgot.  Or if he just didn’t get me anything meaningful.  I’ve had a hard time (and still do) explaining to my Fiance the difference between a meaningful gift and an expensive gift.  He’s always thought that if he couldn’t afford an extravagent gift, he shouldn’t do anything- WRONG. 

My favorite birthday was the first one we spent together.  We were in college, both broke, but he took me to the zoo and gave me my favorite flower.  That means he listened!  He knew what flower I liked and that I adore animals.  He’s given me nice, expensive gifts, but that one was the best (and it couldn’t of cost more than $25).

Post # 12
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2004

My husband’s strong suit isn’t gifts, either. My all-time favorites are the can of fix-a-flat I got for Christmas that he needed for HIS car (complementary gifts were a fire extinguisher and carbon monoxide detector) and, after months of saying I wanted an iPod, I opened up my birthday gift to find a gorgeous black leather iPod holder. I was thrilled until he explained that I’d get the iPod “at some point” (I bought it for myself later that week).

Now, as silly as it sounds, I set up a wish list on Amazon, and tell him to have at it. Alternatively, he usually gives a check or cash. As unromantic as it sounds, it’s *perfect* (and WAY better than a can of fix-a-flat!). And it took us about eight years to get to this point.


Post # 13
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

well am the luckiest girl.my SO  is super thoughtful.it doesnt have to be a special occasion.if he sees somthing he likes and thinks i’ll like & he can afford  it,he will get it .for one christmas ago he new i wanted a diamond pendant cross.he couldnt find one (he liked,he’s real picky)so i got the circle of life from roborto coin.i loved it but really wanted a cross.he found one on one  of his trips and when i joined him he just bought it for me.but honestly the most thoughful thing is that he learned to cook through me and  now when i get home from work tired i dont have to cook its already done and taste wonderful.

am truly blessed

Post # 14
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well, my Fiance and yours might be distant cousins in the thoughtfulness department.  He does give sweet and thoughtful gifts but he does not shop for them until the day of the birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc.  

It annoys the hell out of me.  I wish he would plan ahead and think about it for a while.  Instead, he disappears on a frantic shopping trip for an entire afternoon on the day of, when I would rather be hanging out with him.  Sigh.

Post # 15
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

*joins the pity party, did someone bring smores and fat free chocolate?? *

My Fh is the same, you are not alone, constant reminders do help!

Post # 16
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

My fiance isn’t good at picking out gifts, so if there’s something I want I have to tell him. It bums me out twice a year that he can’t figure this stuff out on his own, but it’s pretty minor in the scheme of things! It sounds like your fiance is super great otherwise, so maybe you can hint more 🙂

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