My boyfriend and I have a weird relationship???

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Hostess
8740 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

strawberrybee23 :  it sounds like you are too young and need to be in a stable long lasting relationship before you start worrying about marriage. 

Post # 3
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I think you should wait until you’ve been living together longer. Living together completely changes the dynamic of the relationship. 

Also, if you are serious about wanting to get engaged you two should be able to have a serious adult conversation about timelines And make a compromise that works for the two of you. 

I personally think it is too soon based on what you have said. You’ve already broken up once. You haven’t even been dating for a year consistently and you just moved in with him, that might be too much too soon IMO. You could talk about after you graduate and have stable careers and take this time to work out your relationship.

But you do whatever you are comfortable with. If you think it is appropriate for you to get engaged after you graduate then you should be able to talk to him without getting mad, but just keep inimd that he might not say what you want to hear and he might say he is not ready. 

 

Good luck. 

Post # 4
Member
4579 posts
Honey bee

“Like a couple” is not being a couple.  It is f*ck buddies at best. And you admit you aren’t even in the position to think about getting married right now…So don’t think about it right now.  Slow your roll, try enjoying actually being a couple for awhile, finish school and get jobs, and then have this discussion when you are financially stable and have better footing in your relationship.  Because if you feel you can’t have the discussion without freaking him out, then your relationship isn’t actually in the position to have the discussion at all.  

Post # 5
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Ypu are very young still and the two of you haven’t been stable. Now is not the time to bring up marriage.

Post # 7
Member
958 posts
Busy bee

Take your time, bee! You’re still sooooo young!!

Post # 8
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

But, Bee, behaving in those ways–whether you were a couple or not–doesn’t illustrate maturity or wisdom, and I think that’s the biggest point people are ultimately trying to make here. We simply don’t go from “being like a couple but denying it to our friends” to “we’re ready to get engaged” so quickly. Your relationship is young, you’re young, and that’s causing your feelings to reign supreme here. Just chill. You’re not going to lose him if you don’t get engaged. Be together as a real couple, and live together, for a while before talking about engagement. 

Post # 9
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

If I were you I’d just enjoy what it is right now, enjoy being 21, and go with it without putting the pressure on the relationship just yet. Is he denying the relationship being official? I guess what I’d want to know is – are you mutually exclusive? If so, just roll with it and enjoy your life before the stress of everything else comes in and slams you. No reason the make things complicated right now. 

Post # 10
Member
4579 posts
Honey bee

There is no shame is just dating and being a couple for awhile.  And you already know his feelings on the subject.  Your post makes it sound like you want to get engaged to lock it down and legitimize your relationship and that isn’t a good enough reason to get engaged.  A ring doesn’t legitimize your relationship- being committed partners working together does and you can be that without being engaged.  And you haven’t been that for that long since you spent the bulk of the last two years either broken up or hiding your relationship.  Neither of you appear to be financially or emotionally mature enough for marriage right now- the only difference is your boyfriend has the self-awareness to recognize it and isn’t plowing forward trying to rush something he isn’t ready for.  Get your life in order – if it is so perfect and right now then it will still be perfect and right several years from now when you’ve both had time to settle and mature and your relationship will be even more solid.

Post # 11
Member
9736 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

What’s the rush? Just enjoy the relationship.

Getting engaged does not legitimize your relationship. It doesn’t make it stronger or more real. Focus your energy on actually making it stronger, growing and maturing, and getting in a good place financially before worrying about getting married.

Post # 12
Member
3184 posts
Sugar bee

For the first seven months, my husband and I were practically boyfriend and girlfriend in every way but the title. Even after that, we waited until we were both ready to get engaged and then married. For us, this was five years. 

There’s nothing wrong in asking if he sees a future with you, and expressing a desire to get engaged and married one day, but I wouldn’t rush things. I told my husband from early on that I would like to get married one day, and I’d prefer it if he not waste my time, so if he didn’t see a future with me, then to let me know. 

Post # 13
Member
6507 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Getting engaged doesn’t make your relationship any more real or legitimate than not. And why get engaged for the sake of being engaged if you are going to wait two or more years to marry anyway? You are very young; just enjoy yourself and your relationship for now. A lot can change in a couple of years – for the better or for ill. So perhaps he won’t have any hesitation to propose a year or two from now, but it won’t do either of you any good for you to push him into it before he’s ready. Dating steadily for 11 months and having lived together for 2 months does not make you ready for marriage.

Post # 14
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

In my opinion continue living together and see what happens don’t question him, he might feel pressured just see how things go and let them progress naturally 

Post # 15
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with him that you both don’t seem ready for it and that if you get married now you will probably end up divored. 

Take your time. Age and mature. If you really are going to end up married, then what’s the rush. 

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