Post # 1
I met my boyfriend on a dating website about 2 years ago and started dating on New Years 2016. We dated for about 2 months and then he broke up with me and we tried to be casual, but there were still budding feelings attached so we completely broke it off for about 3 and a half months until I reached out to give him his stuff back. He started talking to me more and we tried to do things casually again as “just friends” well we go to the same college and ended up having a class together, so we spent a lot of time together and carpooled all the time. We were basically a couple without the label and we denied it to all our friends. This went on for about 4 months until we officially got back together in February and have been dating for almost 11 months. We moved in together about 2 months ago and have talked about our future together. I love this man so much and he knows one day I want to get married, he does too. I’m 21 and I want to casually mention getting engaged and get married after we finish school, but because of our unusual situation I feel like it seems too soon or confusing? Or maybe he’ll think that it’s not the right time since we’re not financially in the place to get married and neither of us are ready to get married right away per se, but at the same time all together we’ve been a couple or like a couple for 20 months which doesn’t seem too soon? I don’t know I just know I want him in my life always and I know he always wants me in his life. Also, I don’t know if I should mention it because I want the element of spontaneity but I also know the idea freaks him out a little because he thinks we’re too young that if we get married we’ll get divorced and that scares him?? I’m not sure how to explain all this to him without seeming like I’m telling him to propose??
Post # 2
strawberrybee23 : it sounds like you are too young and need to be in a stable long lasting relationship before you start worrying about marriage.
Post # 3
Honestly, I think you should wait until you’ve been living together longer. Living together completely changes the dynamic of the relationship.
Also, if you are serious about wanting to get engaged you two should be able to have a serious adult conversation about timelines And make a compromise that works for the two of you.
I personally think it is too soon based on what you have said. You’ve already broken up once. You haven’t even been dating for a year consistently and you just moved in with him, that might be too much too soon IMO. You could talk about after you graduate and have stable careers and take this time to work out your relationship.
But you do whatever you are comfortable with. If you think it is appropriate for you to get engaged after you graduate then you should be able to talk to him without getting mad, but just keep inimd that he might not say what you want to hear and he might say he is not ready.
Post # 4
“Like a couple” is not being a couple. It is f*ck buddies at best. And you admit you aren’t even in the position to think about getting married right now…So don’t think about it right now. Slow your roll, try enjoying actually being a couple for awhile, finish school and get jobs, and then have this discussion when you are financially stable and have better footing in your relationship. Because if you feel you can’t have the discussion without freaking him out, then your relationship isn’t actually in the position to have the discussion at all.
Post # 5
Ypu are very young still and the two of you haven’t been stable. Now is not the time to bring up marriage.
Post # 6
annabananabee : well I say we were “like a couple” because that’s the best way to condense it. We did everything a couple does, go on dates, hang out, buy each other things, he would visit me at work and bring me lunch or a present, hang out with my family, cuddle with me at night, stay at my house all the time just to be next to me, talk about the future, etc.. but we always told people we were just friends but we were obviously a couple. Saying freak him out wasn’t really the best way to say it I guess, he’s already told me he thinks that if we get engaged in a year or two that we’re too young and are bound to get a divorce, (my cousin who’s younger just got married and that’s what sparked the comment) but I don’t think that’s necessarily true? I like the idea of being able to say that he’s my fiancée and knowing that means we’re the real deal? I know he wants to be together for the rest of our lives because he tells me every week how he can’t wait to see what’s in store for our future and how hes going to miss me so much when I go on a study abroad for 2 months. I just feel like it’s a confusing situation and we’re both working entry level jobs so we don’t make a whole lot either so I want to suggest maybe sometime in the next 2 years after our A.S or B.S? I don’t know? Does this make sense? I’m just really confused because I never thought I’d even want to get engaged and here I am
Post # 7
Take your time, bee! You’re still sooooo young!!
Post # 8
But, Bee, behaving in those ways–whether you were a couple or not–doesn’t illustrate maturity or wisdom, and I think that’s the biggest point people are ultimately trying to make here. We simply don’t go from “being like a couple but denying it to our friends” to “we’re ready to get engaged” so quickly. Your relationship is young, you’re young, and that’s causing your feelings to reign supreme here. Just chill. You’re not going to lose him if you don’t get engaged. Be together as a real couple, and live together, for a while before talking about engagement.
Post # 9
If I were you I’d just enjoy what it is right now, enjoy being 21, and go with it without putting the pressure on the relationship just yet. Is he denying the relationship being official? I guess what I’d want to know is – are you mutually exclusive? If so, just roll with it and enjoy your life before the stress of everything else comes in and slams you. No reason the make things complicated right now.
Post # 10
There is no shame is just dating and being a couple for awhile. And you already know his feelings on the subject. Your post makes it sound like you want to get engaged to lock it down and legitimize your relationship and that isn’t a good enough reason to get engaged. A ring doesn’t legitimize your relationship- being committed partners working together does and you can be that without being engaged. And you haven’t been that for that long since you spent the bulk of the last two years either broken up or hiding your relationship. Neither of you appear to be financially or emotionally mature enough for marriage right now- the only difference is your boyfriend has the self-awareness to recognize it and isn’t plowing forward trying to rush something he isn’t ready for. Get your life in order – if it is so perfect and right now then it will still be perfect and right several years from now when you’ve both had time to settle and mature and your relationship will be even more solid.
Post # 11
What’s the rush? Just enjoy the relationship.
Getting engaged does not legitimize your relationship. It doesn’t make it stronger or more real. Focus your energy on actually making it stronger, growing and maturing, and getting in a good place financially before worrying about getting married.
Post # 12
For the first seven months, my husband and I were practically boyfriend and girlfriend in every way but the title. Even after that, we waited until we were both ready to get engaged and then married. For us, this was five years.
There’s nothing wrong in asking if he sees a future with you, and expressing a desire to get engaged and married one day, but I wouldn’t rush things. I told my husband from early on that I would like to get married one day, and I’d prefer it if he not waste my time, so if he didn’t see a future with me, then to let me know.
Post # 13
Getting engaged doesn’t make your relationship any more real or legitimate than not. And why get engaged for the sake of being engaged if you are going to wait two or more years to marry anyway? You are very young; just enjoy yourself and your relationship for now. A lot can change in a couple of years – for the better or for ill. So perhaps he won’t have any hesitation to propose a year or two from now, but it won’t do either of you any good for you to push him into it before he’s ready. Dating steadily for 11 months and having lived together for 2 months does not make you ready for marriage.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
In my opinion continue living together and see what happens don’t question him, he might feel pressured just see how things go and let them progress naturally
Post # 15
I agree with him that you both don’t seem ready for it and that if you get married now you will probably end up divored.
Take your time. Age and mature. If you really are going to end up married, then what’s the rush.