(Closed) My boyfriend and I were doing great… and then he politely dumped me

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

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GracieMarie:  FORGET HIM! He is lying through his darn teeth! He dumped you because you wouldn’t sleep with him! He is nothing more than a polite liar. You can do so much better!! Forget him and go find someone who is worth your time girl! What a pig! I am sorry you had to go through this. But better earlier than later. It will be ok. Just forget about that douche.

Post # 32
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

He showed his true colors in the way he broke things off. He is shallow. He had no interest in getting to know more about you as a person or see what sort of commitment level you were comfortable with before engaging in intercourse-which shows what sort of arrangement he was looking for. Let’s face it, he’s a horny 32 year old who is interested in nothing more than sowing his wild oats at this point.

Trust me, you do NOT want this guy back. Do not compromise on your values. He is looking for a low self esteem doormat girl that he can use as a convenient booty call. Imagine what would have happened if you HAD slept with him already, only to find that he wasn’t interested in anything other than physical relations with you? Then you would’ve felt so used. Please, do yourself a favor and don’t try to get back with him. There are better guys out there.

Post # 33
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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GracieMarie:  I don’t believe in sex before marriage. My dh didn’t feel the same way but he had enough respect to wait until we were married… he wanted to be with you, he would wait. Sounds harsh but its true

Post # 34
Member
3256 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It seems like he identified that they have very different attitudes toward sex.  That’s a substantial difference in a relationship, and he is not an asshat simply because he saw that as a relationship that he did not want to be in, and ended it amicably.  It is entirely possible that he was not thinking: “Aught Me Man. Me want sex.  You sex lady!” 

Post # 35
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I thought he was very thoughtful and polite in breaking up with you. I don’t understand why PPs are calling him a jerk. A jerk would have gone along with it, giving you crumbs while he dates or has sex with other ladies.

I too would have a difficult time waiting over a month for sex, especially as neither of us are likely anywhere near inexperienced anymore.

It would tell me right away that our views on sexuality and potentially our sexual appetites would likely not be compatible. 

OP, I would let him go. He’s already put the thought and the time into deciding to break up and I can’t imagine even going “okay! let’s have sex” would change his mind, certainly not in the way you probably want this to go. 

Post # 36
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Marquee - Private Property

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GracieMarie:  I don’t think he was necessarily being a jerk, he said he respected your values enough to not push you. But in saying that, you’re going to look a little desparado going back to him with legs wide open. No offence, I’m not meaning that in a catty way – I’m not a prude I swear.

If you just want a sexual relationship with this guy, then go for it. But I don’t think he’s after a romantic relationship.

Post # 37
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I don’t think he was being a jerk either– he’s just looking for a relationship that includes sex, and you didn’t seem that into it. I wouldn’t stick around to date someone who isn’t sexually attracted to me either! 

Post # 39
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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GracieMarie:  there was a reason you were holding back. That doesn’t change just because he  has acknowledged he has a different set of things he wants in a relationship.

if you go back to try and get him back now, you will not have an even relationship. You will have one where one party completely pressured the other into a 180. He and you aren’t looking for the same things right now. he could be the nicest guy in the world yet not be the right one for you.

Post # 40
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

Theres a reason why no one had an idea of getting him back, no one would have wanted him back. How much more obvious did it have to be that he was put off because you will not put out. 

 

Want to get him back? Tell him: “Come over I have a surprise for you” He’ll go over… y’all will have sex… and then he’ll meet you at a coffee shop and let you know he’s not looking for anything serious, but would love to be your “friend”.  You came here looking for advice and are ignoring all the red flags. Why?

Post # 41
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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GracieMarie:  I don’t necessarily think he is a bad person, but he clearly isn’t willing to wait and you want to. There isn’t really a way around it. My dh was preapred to wait, had he not been willing to, we wouldn’t have stayed together, not because either of us was a bad persson but because we wanted different things. You cleaerly don’t want to go there yet and he clearly isn’t willing to wait, there is no way compromise that won’t make one of you upset because you are both set on those stand points.

Post # 42
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

He pretty much did dump you because you didn’t have sex with him. And I have a feeling he would’ve stopped taking to you even if you did sleep with him. He just showed you how he feels about you. He only wanted one thing. I believe he only became your bf to make it “OK” to have sex and when that didn’t work, he bailed.

 Doesn’t matter how polite and nice this guy was, he still did a shitty thing. And sorry you couldn’t get the advice you wanted, but pp are giving you the advice you need. And no one wants to encourage you to get back with him because we pretty much guarantee that once you sleep with him, he will leave again. I know you can’t see it because you really like this guy, but anyone else that cared about you, would have waited until you were comfortable. Do you really want your relationship to be just based on sex alone?  Because that’s all this guy wants. 

Post # 43
Member
7611 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Don’t waste your time trying to get back together with him. I think he was very clear about what he wanted from the relationship.

Post # 44
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

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GracieMarie:  I think sex is a natural progression in an adult relationship. I had sex with my now Fiance the third or fourth time we hung out (I don’t remember exactly). In my late twenties, I wouldn’t be happy making out with someone for a month either. 

I will go somewhat against the grain and say because you “white lied” about your values, you lost this guy you like. He wanted sex? Yeah, so do lots of people and that doesn’t make them terrible, immature, or not looking for a relationship. 

To answer your actual question, if you’d like to try getting him back, be honest. He probably assumed the values you referenced were religious and you didn’t want sex until marriage. As a non-religious person, I can understand that being off-putting. To each their own, but I don’t want any part in it. 

Tell him you really like him so you thought going slow was the best approach. You regret not having a more open conversation about expectations and you’d like to make it right. You’ve only been together a month and don’t have much of a foundation but if you want to try, that’s where I’d start. 

Post # 45
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Block him on facebook, delete all messages/emails and move on. I had a guy politely let me down a few years ago and it was tough. I told him off for leading me on the next day (its a long story) and didn’t look back. There were some tears and ice cream though.

You’ll find a man who shares your values. It took me a long time (35 years to be exact) but I did it and we’re getting married in November. He was well worth waiting for and I’m glad I didn’t waste too much time with losers.

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