Post # 1
I am going anonymous here, for obvious reasons.
My long distance boyfriend just told me he cheated on me once in January. I got sick and the reason could be an STD (I am going to get checked tomorrow). I asked bf if he has cheated on me and at first he said no and then he admitted (sent me a text) saying that he had sex with another girl back in january. He did not know how to tell me, because he is so ashamed and sorry about it.
He says he did it because I felt so far away and he was lonely. And now he says he is so very sorry he caused this pain and me being sick (probably). He is coming to visit me today and told me about it a few hours before heading to the airport – to give me a chance not to let him come to visit me. I am devastated. I asked him if he did it only once and he swore he did. He is not a player and I really did not expect it to happen, he is genuienly a nice guy. While I have not behaved like an angel myself (I have kissed several guys but no sex – same reasons, lonelyness and longdistance is just not easy).
I don’t know what to do now. I have been with him for 5 years, 4 of which we were living in the same city. We love each other very much and he keeps saying how much he loves me and how afraid he is to lose me.
Should I forgive him? Can I? How can I ever trust him again?
I would love to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation, as I am quite lost here… I really really love the guy, but I am not sure how I can regain his trust, or even if I should…
Post # 3
Well my opinion is granted he had sex with another women but you were out kissing other men which in my eyes is no different then what he did. So your both in the wrong. Even if you stay with him and forgive him you probably will never forget it and that is something you need to think about and talk to him about. Good luck
Post # 4
@anonymous1983: It sounds like neither of you are looking for a commited relationship right now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. You’ve kissed other guys, he’s gotten with other girls…. Sorry to be harsh sounding, but it doesn’t sound like your relationship is worth working on if both parties are not commited to making it work.
Post # 5
@anonymous1983: I would break up with him. You’ve kissed several different guys? How do you even get yourself into those situations?
It sounds like neither of you are committed enough to make this work. He may have given you an STD. If this sort of crap is occurring even before you’re married, I am not sure what the likelihood of you having a happy marriage is.
Long distance is hard. I get that. It isn’t an excuse to cheat, however.
Post # 6
@anonymous1983: i agree with @love108:
i think it may be time to be single for a while.
Post # 7
@love108 We are committed to making it work, it is just really really difficult with distance… If we were not committed to each other, we would not be in this relationship at all. We cherish each other and yes I know that kissing other guys is not right and I am not proud of it.
Post # 8
Break up. You cheat, he cheats… and to possibly give you an STD and notify you via text? Hells no.
My bet is that this isn’t the first time its happened.
Post # 9
@anonymous1983: You should only forgive him if you can accept a few things. Ask yourself a few things.
1. It has likely happened many more times than once. Can you handle this information trickling out over a period of time?
2. He is likely only sorry that he was caught and possibly got you sick. If he felt badly about cheating on you, he would not have done it.
3. Cheating is a part of your relationship, let’s be real. You cheat, he cheats, etc. Do you think it’s the right relationship for both of you if both of you feel the need to cheat? Are you prepared to have this be a part of your relationship for the rest of your life?
4. How would you feel if the people who love you the most (parents, siblings, good friends, etc) knew about this? Would you be afraid to tell them? Would you advise people closest to you to stay in a similar relationship?
People do make mistakes, but they also tend to repeat the same mistakes repeatedly. Whatever you decide, be true to yourself and don’t show yourself any less respect than you would your sister, mother, closest girlfriend or daughter. Best of luck.
Edited to say that you should forgive, always, but allow someone in your life if it may not be right? That’s the question.
Post # 10
@anonymous1983: But that’s the thing. You’re not committed to eachother.
Post # 11
@anonymous1983: It sounds like there is a lot moredistance between the two of you than just physical distance. Telling you over text that he cheated and may have given you an STD is just not respectful. That is not commitment, it is the easy way out.
Post # 12
I think you guys need some serious counselling. If you do truly want to commit to each other, DO IT. Cheating on each other when you get lonely doesn’t really show commitment in my view. You need to find a way that you can both handle the distance without doing something you’ll regret (like cheating on each other!).
Post # 13
@anonymous1983: It’s always hard when you aren’t involved in the relationship to provide a judgement. It’s also hard to say *always* and *never* because life isn’t black and white…Shades of grey do exist (ugh, that stupid book! lol).
For me personally, cheating is *always* a deal breaker because I feel it breaks the sanctity of the relationship and completely erodes trust. If you can’t deal with being lonely, being sad, and still being able to respect your relationship, then maybe being monogamous (at least with this particular partner) is not for you.
I would *never* cheat on my Fiance. I love him so much and I could never live with myself. Any situation – distance, work, whatever – would be worth waiting for intimacy with him. If I felt I couldn’t live with it, I’d tell him and open communication up. Cheating just never gets you anywhere good! I think my ex-FI cheated (he denies it to this day) but I had *proof* and ended it after almost 10 years.
Post # 14
@anonymous1983: I think the two of you should step back from your relationship for awhile. Both of you need to decide what you want in your lives; it doesn’t sound like either of you are ready for a monogamous, committed relationship. That’s ok, but be honest and upfront with each other about it. Lots of people have open relationships and stay together but allow each other the freedom to also date other people. That way it won’t be cheating, it will be an agreement.
Cheating is bad, lying is bad, hiding things from each other is bad; agreeing with each other that it’s ok to date other people is cool. Just don’t lie to each other and pretend to be what you’re not ready to be.
Post # 15
@love108: + 1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you two IMO are going down a very long untrustworthy path. I think that even if you forgive, you will never forget and it will probably cause a lot of issues in the future. Maybe it’s time for you two to let go? I’m not judging whatsoever but if you both have cheated (whether it’s because of loneliness or whatever reason) then I don’t think you and him are meant to be.
I hope you didn’t take any of this the wrong way and I really hope you feel better!
Post # 16
It doesn’t really sound to me like you personally need to be in a relationship right now.
In my opinion, what you did is pretty much just as bad as what he did. I think you know that. But if the two of you were that committed to making it work, you wouldn’t be running around cheating on each other.
There are plenty of long-distance relationships where neither partner cheats. It’s normal to miss your partner, but a loneliness so profound that you feel the need to physically connect with a different person signals that there is something wrong in the relationship to me.
Does he know that you have kissed several other men?